yourself and your SA

[ash_2001]

How do you distinguish between your SELF (your personality, how you define yourself) and your Social Phobia? Where do you draw the line?

For instance, if you do not feel like going out to meet a friend one day supposedly because of a headache... how do you know that your mind isn't feigning a headache, simply because it does not want to be around people?

Or perhaps say you wake up one day and you just don't feel like going anywhere, you're so depressed... should you force yourself to get out?? Will you feel better going out or staying in?

In other words how do you trust yourself and not your SA?

Any responses are at all welcome. Even if it's just a quote, or an article, or a book, whatever... I would really like to know your opinions on this.

Thanks!

 

[nimrodel]

That's a really interesting question! I'm glad you posted it.
I have to think about it but I'm really interested in reading everyone else's responses.

 

[ash_2001]

Thanks, nimrodel.

This question has been bugging me for quite a while now. I just keep coming back to it... I hope people reply with their takes this.

So far, all I've been doing is trying to push myself out there (this hasn't always worked very well, mind you). But then again, some people just aren't people people :lol: (well you know what I mean).

 

[frizboy]

I personally don't distinguish between the two. When I think of who I am, SA just inevitably comes to mind. Now that's not to say SA defines me in any way, but I would say it's an aspect of myself that, like intelligence or creativity or anything else, just seems silly to separate from myself. When I blow off plans to go to a party, it's because that's an authentic decision given my SA. It's perfectly consistent with the full breadth of my personality.

That's not to say there is no hope, that our SA should doom us to a lonely life. I have a strong desire to overcome my SA; this desire has led me to seek counseling and to check out this website. It's my hope that I will be able to change myself in time. I think it's really erroneous to separate self and SA; it's as absurd as saying, "When I'm smart, I'm not being myself," if you really are smart. We can, on the other hand, talk about "ideal selves," the person we want to be. But then we have to talk about how it is we plan to get there.

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

I like your answer, frizboy

ash- I basically agree with Frizboy. I think that it is part of the deception of anxiety to separate it from the rest of one's personality. That this is akin to 'fighting anxiety' ...which, if you read enough stories of people who say they've overcomed it, is what they noticed they needed to stop doing in order to get past anxiety. ....Sort of like: you'll never get over your anxiety troubles until you make the concious decision to stop fighting anxiety.

I don't think your anxiety wants you to fight it....
Your anxiety is like a part of you that wants to be noticed -and it plays up because you reject it and are ashamed of it ...so it can only rebel because it's given little room to express it self.

Anyhow, I think that "social anxiety" is the part of you that is shy or sensitive that wasn't given enough room to be and so instead of 'going away' it has just grown into a monster. And 'shyness' has become 'social anxiety'.

Maybe your anxiety is desperately trying to get you to pay attention, and maybe it is actually trying to tell you that you need to include him and that he is a child that has been called bad and so now behaves badly like he's been taught to. And your 'social face' -the kind you'd like to show to others is like a strict parent that's really tough on the child and doesn't get the message that the kid is shy and needs basic acceptance as well as the push you're already giving him. "Tought Love" is what they call it -there's the "tough" part and there is also the "love" part.

...I got a lot of that from a book. But I hope you get the idea.

 

[nimrodel]

LittleMissMuffet - that was a really interesting post. I wonder if people feel less anxious around other people that know of their SP. Maybe by telling everyone around you and not being ashamed of it, it can help you overcome it. I actually think that might work - at least to some degree.

In regards to Ash's question, I think SP is a big part of people's personality. Maybe the reason why I can't imagine not being social-phobic is because it's a part of me. But it's important not to let it control you. Sometimes I don't feel like doing something but I try to focus less on my feelings and more on whether it's the right thing to do or not and on the outcome of the situation.

Like the examples Ash posted were good ones. If I had set up a time that I was going to meet a friend and he/she was depending on me to be there, I would definitely go whether I felt like it or not. Even if I had a headache. That's probably because I don't feel it's right to let people down or back out of something once you commit to it.
I guess there's no right or wrong choice for the second example. Going out or staying in will only affect yourself. Usually if I'm feeling depressed, I try to make myself go out because I know it will make me feel better. But if people feel better by staying in, then that's fine too.

I think that the key is balance. It's important not to get used to any extremes and try different things - even if you don't 'feel' like it at first.