Why not just go for it if you know...???? (WarInsideMyHead)

[TooShyShy]

"yeah actually. Its happened to me a few times but of cource even when i liked the girl and knew she was after me i could still never just go fo it. Once was a girl in my class at school and another was my best friends sister both of which made it pretty clear but of course getting nothing in return eventually they just give up."


I have to ask...

If you know the girl wants you as much as you want her, why be scared and do nothing? I have read other replies like this!!!!!

Knowing she likes you has to give you confidence!!!! I thought men didn't make a move when they WERE NOT sure of the girls feelings and afraid of her rejection only.

Why push her away if you KNOW how she feels about you???

Thanks

 

[bleach]

It's a fool who looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart..

 

[Neph]

It's a fool who looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart..

because it is by the sway of emotion that one can truly know themselves

 

[TAMPA-BAY]

going for it

Wow this is a easy question. Why not just go for it? Because thats how this anxiety works. The simplest social task apear as tho it is a huge task.

People alwayse say "just do it" if that's all there was to it. If that was all we needed to do there would be no members on this site.

What i am saying is we all know what we should physicaly do but its getting it done thats the problem.

Half of the time we talk ourselves out of stuff.
The other half its fear of success. Not only do you need to ask the girl out but after that is a whole new set of issues. Fear of sucess baby.

 

[TooShyShy]

Thank you TAMPA BAY it does sound true (and obviously a fact of life for some) on one hand but its very very sad and truly a no brainer on the other, especially if you know she wants you AND you want her to. But like you said, thats why we are all here.

I will say this if someone told me the person that i liked wanted me as well..or at least thought i was pretty (or whatever) than i would definitly look in his direction and take the leap of faith...so i guess for me my shyness is not that chronic.

I just thought KNOWING she was willing to be with you would help some how. I guess ina away it could make it worse. Seems very tortureous??? If thats even a word (?) Thanks again.

 

[Dave_McFadden]

Well, the word "know" is subject to interpretation. The base assumption is, no woman would possibly want us. ESPECIALLY, not someone who we want as well. Too perfect. So here comes this woman who has many of the outward signs of wanting us - smiling, laughing, even talking to us - I probably missed some there - and we have no idea what to think. Yes, this woman seems like she wants us - but then there's that assumption that no woman could. So then her behavior gets interpreted as something that makes more sense. She's smiling at the guy behind me. She flirts with me, but she's like that with everyone. She's just "touchy feely" in general. She thinks I'm funny but she thinks everything's funny. And on and on. Can't possibly be interested.

Also, when some woman is blind enough not to see the same negatives about us that we see about ourselves, why screw it up by "going for it"? Why open our mouths so she can the bad stuff that the other women seem to pick up?

 

[TooShyShy]

So what you are saying is he is never going to believe you want him, even if he knows he has you, hmmm does this continue even after you tell him you are interested to his face???

I guess having a friend tell him you like him isn't going to do the trick!!! WOW!!!!! I still can't believe it. But obviouslly its true or else he wouldn't still be trying to hang out wherever i am in the cafe, office, etc. and try to be around me all the time, as nervous as he gets he doesn't stop coming around me or staring!!!!!

He still looks so scared though. It makes me so nervous...and worried he will freak out when if i ask him and then he'd say no bcuz of his anxiety and fear.

My Lord, what a viscious cycle.

 

[TAMPA-BAY]

So what you are saying is he is never going to believe you want him, even if he knows he has you,
My Lord, what a viscious cycle.

Wow youre a girl tooshy? Woops i just assumed that you were a dude. Anyway I can relate to that guy situation. He likes you but on the inside he is probaly just living in pure fear. Remember we social phobs want social contack. So he is probaly so fustrated by the time he gets home.

Does he even know that he has social anxiety? Thats the 800lbs gorilla. If he knows he will start to scratch and claw his way out but if he doesnt know then he will just go home after class and beat him self up.

I spent my whole life in that sort of situation. You attract the girl only to watch the jerks of the world "because they simply bother to ask the girl out" you watch people who might not be a good fit with the girl get the date while you go home lonlely even tho you were her first choice.

 

[TooShyShy]

This is what i find so frustratting..what he wants on the inside he can not portray on the outside.

I know he won't open up to me so i have been trying to do..or say little things to show him i care, its just not getting through OR he knows i want him (which i think is more the case) and is scared sh!tle$$ 8O of me and his feelings.


I just feel so hopeless in all this.

 

[ciel20]

Why don't you just talk to him and ask him out? it's pointless analysing all his actions...

 

[dan_e]

I agree with ciel20. If you're not that shy, just ask him out. Be specific about where you're going and that its just the 2 of you. Keep approaching him. SA people have bad days and better days, socially speaking. If you're persistent you may just catch him on a good day. Good luck!

What we want on the inside we cannot portray on the outside.
We want social contact. When people show an interest in me I put up a wall. Not on purpose, it just happens. Fear or a defense mechanism? I want to show interest in return, but I freeze instead. Other people get frustrated with us, but we are extremely frustrated as well.

 

[TooShyShy]

dan_e thank you for your responses. And yes, i do keep plugging away..showing him i care.

I feel his frustration as well. His *sighs* and head down when he walks by me are proof that he is very frustrated as well.

I know i have to make a move!!!!!!!!! I just feel he won't say yes bcuz he's too scared, even though he may want to more than anything.

 

[dan_e]

Caution: He may say no the first time you ask because he is so shocked :wink: and may need some time to gather himself. After he thinks about it (and kicks himself for saying no) maybe he'll be more comfortable with the idea.

 

[WarInsideMyHead]

If only i could just go for it i would probably be a lot happier now. But knowing someone likes me still does not take away my fears, actually makes things worse.

I guess deep down i cant except they would like me. Dont think im good enough for them and dont want to drag them down with me. Even if they like me now they wont for long when they realise how screwed up i am.
All crazy stuff like this is what runs through my head and more.

Anyway TooShyShy i guess i could ask you the same question. I read some of your posts and topics about the shy guy you like and my advice to you is to do what i cant and just go for it because if he is anything like me then you can be trying to show your interested forever but he will never have the courage to make the move.

Hope this in someway explains my situation and helps you with yours. But then again i aint really much good at typing or saying whats in my head so it may not make sense at all.

 

[TooShyShy]

Someone let him know last yar that i thought he was really cute and sweet and he got all nervous and was like "ohh yeah i am just playig the field now" and got very anxios during the conversation.

Then when she brought up how differently he treats me and asked him why..he wouldn't answer he just put his head down an stopped talking.

But then the next day (he knew i was told about the conversation) when he saw me he went out of his way to say hello and ever since then he has been follwoing me around literally..trying to make contact in some way and ALWAYS has to say hello everyday...he never did this before that day!!!!

So i see your point about acting differently AFTER the shock where's off.

What would be the easiest way to ask..to not scare the crap out of him?

 

[WarInsideMyHead]

Someone let him know last yar that i thought he was really cute and sweet and he got all nervous and was like "ohh yeah i am just playig the field now" and got very anxios during the conversation.

Then when she brought up how differently he treats me and asked him why..he wouldn't answer he just put his head down an stopped talking.

But then the next day (he knew i was told about the conversation) when he saw me he went out of his way to say hello and ever since then he has been follwoing me around literally..trying to make contact in some way and ALWAYS has to say hello everyday...he never did this before that day!!!!

So i see your point about acting differently AFTER the shock where's off.

What would be the easiest way to ask..to not scare the crap out of him?

I dont think you will scare the crap out if him. Just dont put him on the spot by asking him out infront of others or anything like that.
Also i find it a lot worse when i have people telling me there friend likes me and start asking me questions and looking for my reactions , it makes me paranoid.
To answer your question i would say just do it when yhe are alone and maybe not ask him to go some place to public (discos, bars) maybe try a movie or something where there may be people but he wont have to focus on them aswell.

 

[TooShyShy]

I would definitly suggest something quiet, just the two of us, like a movie!!! Thats what i was thinking to. I am not much for drinking, bars or clubs. I know he's not much for dancing and things like that.

I just need to get the courage up now. I know i have to do this!!!!!

Once i do it there's no turning back, he will know how i feel STILL and i will get my answer FINALLY!!!!

I just hope his anxiety doesn't make him freak out 8O and say no..or make excuses. But either way i would have done what i needed to do.