So what? WHY are you like this? Why do you MIND being like this? And why the freaking hell don't you DO something about it, my friend? If there IS somebody as "bad" (by what standards do you consider this, btw? believe me, there are PLENTY of people FAR, FAR worse than you) as you, what difference does it make? Is it an excuse? Will it comfort you as you sink back into your comfortable mess of self-pity and self-hatred? Go, leave the house. Right now. Turn the computer off. Make friends, get happy, get a life. 22 years was enough, wasn't it? This is YOUR LIFE, for god's sake! You are throwing it away and there's nothing, nothing more stupid (and nothing more tragic) than that.
Sorry man. I really do feel for you. But I think you might use a proper kick in your miserable ass (I certainly could use one myself). I guess I am talking to myself again, not you. I don't really want to hurt you. I am having one of my bad turns right now. Anyway, that above is how I feel about your post (or how I identified my feelings), so I am posting it all the same.
And you know what else? You are not all that bad. At last you are trying. And you are not hurting anyone. Except yourself. Honey. YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON. Really you are. I don't care if you believe it or not. I don't even know you. But I know, I really do, that you are a good person.
Sorry. I guess Sue's going crazy right now. Hope I haven't written anything too offensive. (If you think I have, just write me and I'll remove it. I don't even care about that. I am falling apart.)
Hey, see it? After all. I AM WORSE THAN YOU. (Are you feeling better now?)