When SA really gets to me...

[Blinkers]

SA affects most areas of my life on a daily basis. It seems to make everything more difficult, from gathering whatever courage I may have just to attend work and appear as "normal" as possible, to even putting aside my multitude of fears just so I can get to the supermarket to buy milk. Doesn't matter where I go or what I do, SA is like this dark cloud that's ever present. Despite all of this I live with SA and most of the time I manage the craziness that goes with it. However, there is one area of my life that when affected by SA tends to really upset me more than any other - my marriage. I am married and have been for a long time. My husband is great in so many ways and I am very lucky to have him. But lately, and I may be imagining this, I have noticed that my SA issues seem to be having a real negative impact on our relationship. He is naturally very outgoing, and in the beginning I think he thought my "shyness" was sweet. Well, it's a bit complex than just being shy and over the years I have tried my best to live with it in a way that impacts myself and others in the least destructive way possible. A few issues have risen recently and when I tried to discuss them with my husband he basically said that it's all in my head, I should get a hobby and here is the real zinger - if I had friends there would be no problems. Ouch. I tend to get along pretty well with most people, but it's usually my choice not to pursue any friendships. Between work, family and day to day chores I value whatever time is left to be mine, and I have always been content with this. And I thought he was too. But when he made that comment my heart sank. Maybe he has had enough of me. Maybe the "shyness" isn't so sweet anymore. For years I have tried to fit in with "his" life the best I can, and short of turning myself into someone else I think I've put myself into many awkward situations and pushed myself to not let SA rule my life. Now I don't know if I can or even should bother anymore. It really is heart breaking

 

[UnofficiallyMe]

wow, that must be heartbreaking.

My wife is very outgoing and I see her be able to just be and go and it kills me. I feel I hold her back. I understand what you are going through. After almost 9 years, I figured it would have gotten better. Its only gotten worse, or maybe just changed.

Talk is important, but maybe you need to find a book or some resource so he would understand, maybe a bio of someone with SA.

I dunno if any of that crap helps but.. yeah.

 

[Blinkers]

Thanks for reading.... and replying.

I feel my SA has become worse over time, but on the other hand I feel as though I've dealt with it pretty well. I'm in a high stress job that requires constant interaction with others, and I'm pretty sure I pull it off well. If only my colleagues knew what was going on inside my head. I force myself to do the stuff that needs to be done, and that includes socialising and being as "normal" a wife as possible.

I don't really feel as though I'm being true to myself, but that's ok as if I were true to myself I would be a hermit and total outcast. At least this way, mortgages and bills are getting paid and others have no idea that I'm freaking out on the inside.

I'ts only been in the last couple of years that I've discovered that how I feel, think and act has a name - SA. I've tried explaining this to my husband and he's been pretty good, not pushing me to do things that would make me uncomfortable and being ok with it when I don't/can't do stuff. But lately circumstances have changed and it's like he doesn't want to know about it anymore. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, being married to me. I don't want to take medication and I tried counselling, so I don't know what else I can do. I really don't feel worthy anymore. I hope I snap out of it, but things feel.... different.

 

[UnofficiallyMe]

Yeah, I never knew it had a name, exactly. I was relieved to see I am not alone. I dont know what to say, except there is hope. I know it can get better. I too feel its getting worse and just keep putting up with it. I am finally looking for some medicine to help.

I know that God will answer me but when I get depressed to, though its not that bad, it saps my energy. I am just tired all the time and hate to go to the grocery store or simple things. I know I cant let it own me but I am strong enough to know I desperately need some help!

Sorry I am just another SA person with no real advice, what do I know anyways, I just found this place. But there is hope. Really. I feel the same way with my wife, when I bring it up, she is okay with it kinda but I can tell is also a bit of a sore spot, like some crutch she thinks I am leaning on.

sigh.

well, at least we can talk to one another, no?
It helps me anyways.. tell the next post then!