What the hell is wrong with me?

[Stiles]

At my place of work, we regularly get new groups of employees for training - usually for several months. They are mostly women, almost all of them wonderful, intelligent, fascinating persons... and while I did approach quite a few of them over all this still growing time that I've been with the company, and while they all seemed to like me and enjoy the company, I never, ever could force myself to blurt out any attempt at invitation to go out, meet outside of work, to any of them... not even suggest anything of the sort. In fact, whenever I even thought I could accidentally project onto a given woman that I was having potential romantic thoughts about her, I started burning with nerves inside, thinking that she'd be insulted by this, angered, furious...

Yet... some, perhaps even most of them, apparently somehow saw my hidden (?) feelings, anyway. And of course, with me just never doing anything to take a step toward trying to start any closer relationship, they all just got bored in time - and, at best, I remained purely friends with some of them. At worst, some just seemed to get annoyed at this apparent lack of any will to meet in private, and began avoiding me at work... and how could I blame them, when I couldn't even force myself to do anything after a girl colleague (who's in a happy union with her partner and who has this wonderful, unimaginable skill of really telling all as she sees it and wants to say it, without any mental anguish or blocks), told me one day: "Why don't you ask X out? She told us she really likes you and she's been waiting for you to..." And even having heard that from her, I didn't do a damn thing. Didn't say a word of invitation to X, whom I'd been keeping company for a while. Couldn't even think of asking her out without instantly getting a mind block and a state of silent panic inside. X finished her stay with the company and, of course, I just watched her drift away into the mist, like all others - including obviously those who stayed with the firm.

What is this cursed psychosis? What other than death could break it? Would a psychiatrist help? (assuming I could even open up enough to tell a therapist what the problem is...)

 

[dzerklis]

i think its avoidant personality disorder.

 

[Clark_Kent]

Being nervous about asking girls out is perfectly normal what body language are you getting? if its positive there is no reason not to try. At least people wint think your Gay! everyone is nervous asking girls out mate. Are you like me and have incredible pride to a fault? how old are you?

hey folks how do i keep track of my posts here i keep losing em?

 

[Rx]

Man, I know that I will immediately start to shake (physically -- my entire body) the SECOND I think I might ask a person out. It just feels that there is SO MUCH on the line. If I ask, and she says no, thats it. If I ask, and she says yes, then my god, I have to be personable on a date in a romantic setting?!?! So, I say nothing, and nothing happens.

But yes, I can totally relate to the nerves striking at the first inkling of a romantic interlude. I know of a few things to try, that I have tried.

I got drunk one night on a stag (real drunk), and for each bar we went to, I immediately started to ask girls if they wanted to dance. I got shutdown every. single. time. But I did not go in with the intent of getting any dates, or even dancing for that matter. All I wanted to do, was get the question out. Thats it. Just try it out, see what kind of reponses I would get.

I am a firm believer of practice now. I didn't use to be, but the only reason I am not as shy as I used to be is because my job forced me into situations where I would have to socialize. Now, I am all the better for it. So try getting drunk with friends (people to fall back on) and start asking girls to dance, with full realization that the result is not the point.

There was a co worker awhile ago who I *really* liked and was talking to on a regular basis. One day I wanted to ask her out but did not get the balls to. But then I felt pretty bad about myself, like I was worth nothing. So the next day, I turned off my mind (since it enjoys to second guess me and betray my confidence at every turn) and just walked up to her, asked her how she was, told her that I would like to get to know her better and asked if she was free for dinner on Thursday. She promptly replied, I have a boyfriend. But still, you could tell that she was flattered. So if anything, I boosted her ego. But, atleast I can sleep at the end of the day knowing that there is nothing left in the air.

Another thought I often think of is "Do it for the story". My friends and I often use this line now when we are apprehensive about doing something. So, I will up all of my courage, and think "for the story" and march in there and get it over with. Then, I will have an interesting story and can always fall back to my friends.

After a few times, you'll notice it is not so bad. You are a guy after all, it is expected for you to like women and want to date them! Heck, now there are girls in the office who know that if we get a new hire, and she's nice, they will tell me about her because they know I am looking, but moreso, they know I will actually do something about it. Believe it or not, asking someone out, and getting shutdown, sometimes raises your confidence level. I know it has with me. Especially since at first I was never asking women out. So now, its like I have gotten over that fear.

Women are people, just like you and I. Don't be putting women on pedestals!! There are some pretty neat websites out there that help men specifically with women.