what remains is silence (devouring holes in my brain).

[phantastica]

how come i can't delete this post?

 

[kilojoule]

I know what you mean. I've felt that urge to delete mine many a time haha but I want to look back in a year and see the progress. It's become really valuable to me and often times people point things out that I would never have realised so it's really useful for insight. Good luck with your journalling.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

i finally know when i'll go to the clinic, at the beginning of next year. that means i'll spend christmas alone. it's not a big deal, since i dislike this whole christmas madness. however i expect to feel my loneliness a bit more pressing.
i'm relieved to finally have a date fixed. uncertainties are so hard to bear. i don't have much to do until then. i think about participating in a literature contest. the deadline is 12-31. i haven't written anything in a long time, but language, writing, literature is something i'm real passionate about. i probably should try.
with nothing to do i sink deeper and deeper into myself and it gets harder to talk, harder to express thoughts in a way they can be understood. i feel incredibly stupid and like i'll never be a functioning part in society. [i don't know if i even want that. but being able to (as opposed to being trapped somewhere in my mind) would be nice.]

I encourage you to join the contest. Doing what you're passionate about would help you feel better about yourself... atleast that's what I've read in Self-help books.