Hi guys,
I'd really appreciate some help.
I think this may be avoidant personality disorder, or some other kind of social phobia.
My best friend moved away three years ago, she was amazing and we were real close and it felt like she had died and I felt rejected as we slowly grew apart. Then at school a gang of my friends were bitching about my other best friend, and tried to involve me - I stood up for her every time and then they all started to turn against me - there was about six of them - two of them I was good friends with - and they all stopped talking to me. Then I got depressed and fell out with the best friend I had stood up for - we got in to painful arguments, and we don't talk anymore. I was depressed for three years, I changed year groups, and then I just stopped talking, I felt so depressed and like I couldn't talk in case I got rejected, I felt so boring and worthless, like a failure and they all thought I was weird and that I hated them - which made me feel even worse.
Now I tried to start to talk to people, and I have made some friends, but people still hate me because of my fear of rejection made them think I hated them, which is really hard for me because I just want to be liked or at least accepted. I am really controlled and suppressed in my interactions with friends, I only say things that I feel won't leave me rejected. I'm too afraid to be my real self.
I used to be popular, energetic, bubbly, fun and confident with my friends - now I feel like all my personality has been shelled out, I feel so boring and shit and worthless - I always think I should just stop being friends with people at any sign of them disliking me. I don't talk in group situations and everyone thinks I am really quiet. I dislike people for being friends with me, I resent my friends for being popular, it sounds horrible, but I feel like they don't know me really coz if they did they couldn't love me.
All my old friends say I am really awkward and quiet around them every time we meet up. I hate that I am like that but I don't know how to stop. I love them, I just want to have fun with them again but I just feel trapped and not worth their time. I feel like nobody cares, and all I do is push people away and build walls. Then I hate myself for doing it - I am a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I also had another friend when I was younger who used to say I was boring and a slut and a bitch - when I clearly wasn't. I got confident after her though, but I always replay in my head that boring comment. I am so afraid of being boring, I believe I am even when I could see I wasn't and people told me I was really fun. :
:
Please help I feel so aggravated and ashamed of myself, I feel embarrassed that I might have a disorder - that it might make people reject me but I feel like it' the only explination.
I'd really appreciate some help.
I think this may be avoidant personality disorder, or some other kind of social phobia.
My best friend moved away three years ago, she was amazing and we were real close and it felt like she had died and I felt rejected as we slowly grew apart. Then at school a gang of my friends were bitching about my other best friend, and tried to involve me - I stood up for her every time and then they all started to turn against me - there was about six of them - two of them I was good friends with - and they all stopped talking to me. Then I got depressed and fell out with the best friend I had stood up for - we got in to painful arguments, and we don't talk anymore. I was depressed for three years, I changed year groups, and then I just stopped talking, I felt so depressed and like I couldn't talk in case I got rejected, I felt so boring and worthless, like a failure and they all thought I was weird and that I hated them - which made me feel even worse.
Now I tried to start to talk to people, and I have made some friends, but people still hate me because of my fear of rejection made them think I hated them, which is really hard for me because I just want to be liked or at least accepted. I am really controlled and suppressed in my interactions with friends, I only say things that I feel won't leave me rejected. I'm too afraid to be my real self.
I used to be popular, energetic, bubbly, fun and confident with my friends - now I feel like all my personality has been shelled out, I feel so boring and shit and worthless - I always think I should just stop being friends with people at any sign of them disliking me. I don't talk in group situations and everyone thinks I am really quiet. I dislike people for being friends with me, I resent my friends for being popular, it sounds horrible, but I feel like they don't know me really coz if they did they couldn't love me.
All my old friends say I am really awkward and quiet around them every time we meet up. I hate that I am like that but I don't know how to stop. I love them, I just want to have fun with them again but I just feel trapped and not worth their time. I feel like nobody cares, and all I do is push people away and build walls. Then I hate myself for doing it - I am a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I also had another friend when I was younger who used to say I was boring and a slut and a bitch - when I clearly wasn't. I got confident after her though, but I always replay in my head that boring comment. I am so afraid of being boring, I believe I am even when I could see I wasn't and people told me I was really fun. :
:Please help I feel so aggravated and ashamed of myself, I feel embarrassed that I might have a disorder - that it might make people reject me but I feel like it' the only explination.
