charlieHungerford
Well-known member
I thought about something yesterday about SA that I had never thought of before or even heard mentioned.
I am so determined to overcome my confidence issues (SA) and was thinking about the situations and people I am anxious around. I have made so much progress by gaining some self esteem and believing I am good enough and accepting myself and liking myself. But last week when faced with meeting someone at main reception and explaining a work matter made me so anxious. I tried reassuring myself with positive statements that I am good person, there is nothing wrong with me, I can talk fine, I know the subject I am on about, etc, so why was I anxious?
And yesterday I thought about something I not thought about before. I don't know how important a factor this is exactly right now, but it does seem to make a lot of sense. There is two parts needed in order to be confident, one is confidence in yourself and the other is to have positive beliefs that the other person is going to judge you fairly and nice. When I see confident people they have confidence in themselves and they seem to know they are going to be well received and popular. Whereas I realised that I very little trust in others to see the best in me. I always think people will see the worst in me, just like those kids did at high school who always put me down, laughed at me, ridiculed me, etc. I really lack confidence around women. I always believe that no woman could ever be interested in me. Yet I know I am good enough myself, I don't believe anyone else can see that. That clearly shows I have no belief that women see me fairly and in a good way, I don't trust women to be nice about me, but to just always see the worst in me.
I mentioned in another post that I was teased, laughed at, ridiculed so much in the past for a speech impediment. I had no confidence in speaking because I just had belief that people will laugh at me, ridicule me, think I am stupid. My speech impediment is much improved now, but there are some words that I still slightly struggle with. However, I have accepted that its no big deal, so what if I say a word slightly wrong. Yet I find that if I am on the phone when people can hear me at work, if I say a word that I know I struggle saying, I sort of cringe and think 'Oh no, hope no one heard'. Its like I still have a belief that people will see the worst in me for this. I do not trust people to be nice to me for this, I just expect them to laugh and maybe repeat the word.
Other situations - well I have in the past been really insecure about my appearance, but I have really worked hard on this and come to accept myself and feel I look fine. Yet when I am centre of attention or when people look at me - this is specifically people who I don't know quite as well, or maybe new people, I always feel self conscious, even though I believe I am no longer insecure about how I look. And I kind of realise, is it again because I have no trust in people to see me and judge me fairly and nice? I just kind of expect people to see the worst in me and think I am crap. Its like everything I have been ridiculed or judged badly for in the past, I believe everyone else sees what people judged me badly for and everyone thinks that same negative way about me.
I know Maggie will read this who mentioned her mother was so horrible to her and fellow school kids were mean to her (I suffered years of put downs at school), I wonder if one huge part of the problem is that you have no belief that people will judge you fairly and nice.
Y - who replied to my mail on self conscious in the car, that was interesting that you said you are not self conscious around strangers. I am trying to link not trusting people to your situation but I don't know enough about you or your experiences to make assumptions.
But what I want to add is that I am really confident around friends and family and co-workers who I am friendly with. I suffer no self conscious around them. And I think this is interesting because it shows I trust them, I know they treat me right, i.e. I know they will be nice towards me and they like me and won't be judging me in any other way. Whereas people I do not know and do not trust (because we don't know each other) I believe I have developed subconscious beliefs that when they see me they are always only going to be judging me badly, because that is what so many people in the past have done.
It begs the question, if you believed that people saw the best in your always and liked you and you could trust them always to be nice about you, would you be self conscious around them? If the answer is yes - are you self conscious about yourself? Because I used to be, but I have overcome that. If you are not self conscious about yourself and believe people will judge you well always, would you fear being judged negatively by people?
This may sound a silly example, but imagine yourself in a situation you fear in terms of being self conscious, anxious, etc. Replace the people with plastic dummies, would you still be self conscious? The answer is no right? Therefore its your beliefs of what those people are thinking of you that is causing the fear. You therefore believe people are going to be thinking negatives of you, are going to judge you critically, going to be nasty about you?
I mean can you relate to this, I often think that some people think negative things of me even though I don't know what I think. i.e. I often think some of my neighbours must think I am a bit weird because I don't often go out and when I see them I think they are critical of me. Or believing that no one of the opposite sex could ever be interested in you, and again that is believing people are always critical of you. Maybe you are like me and if you are walking into work and there are lots of windows from different offices overlooking where you walk in, you may feel self conscious and worried what people are thinking. Again its believing that people (may be not all people) do not see you fairly and nicely, but you believe people are always critical of you, i.e. have no trust in these people. As for Y - who said you are not self conscious in traffic when sat in the car, well you obviously think differently to these situations than some people. i.e. you don't care what strangers think because you do not know them or care what they think because you realise that they mean nothing. But there is something you may not trust about people who get to know you personally that you mention?
To sum up, in the situations we fear, I am really interested in looking into, do we not trust the people or person's in the situation to judge us fairly, we believe they are going to be critical of us and see the worst in us. If its true that we do not trust these people to be fair and judge us nicely and fairly, then is it possible to ever be confident around these people if you are self conscious as to how you believe these people judge you? Because remember, around the people you are confident around, you trust them, you believe they do see the good in you and are not judging you negatively.
Any thoughts from anyone would be interesting. I am going to have to have more thinking time on this and if it really is something that needs addressing, I am going to have to think of a way to believe I can trust people and not believe these people are always going to be critical of me and judge me negatively.
What do you think?
I am so determined to overcome my confidence issues (SA) and was thinking about the situations and people I am anxious around. I have made so much progress by gaining some self esteem and believing I am good enough and accepting myself and liking myself. But last week when faced with meeting someone at main reception and explaining a work matter made me so anxious. I tried reassuring myself with positive statements that I am good person, there is nothing wrong with me, I can talk fine, I know the subject I am on about, etc, so why was I anxious?
And yesterday I thought about something I not thought about before. I don't know how important a factor this is exactly right now, but it does seem to make a lot of sense. There is two parts needed in order to be confident, one is confidence in yourself and the other is to have positive beliefs that the other person is going to judge you fairly and nice. When I see confident people they have confidence in themselves and they seem to know they are going to be well received and popular. Whereas I realised that I very little trust in others to see the best in me. I always think people will see the worst in me, just like those kids did at high school who always put me down, laughed at me, ridiculed me, etc. I really lack confidence around women. I always believe that no woman could ever be interested in me. Yet I know I am good enough myself, I don't believe anyone else can see that. That clearly shows I have no belief that women see me fairly and in a good way, I don't trust women to be nice about me, but to just always see the worst in me.
I mentioned in another post that I was teased, laughed at, ridiculed so much in the past for a speech impediment. I had no confidence in speaking because I just had belief that people will laugh at me, ridicule me, think I am stupid. My speech impediment is much improved now, but there are some words that I still slightly struggle with. However, I have accepted that its no big deal, so what if I say a word slightly wrong. Yet I find that if I am on the phone when people can hear me at work, if I say a word that I know I struggle saying, I sort of cringe and think 'Oh no, hope no one heard'. Its like I still have a belief that people will see the worst in me for this. I do not trust people to be nice to me for this, I just expect them to laugh and maybe repeat the word.
Other situations - well I have in the past been really insecure about my appearance, but I have really worked hard on this and come to accept myself and feel I look fine. Yet when I am centre of attention or when people look at me - this is specifically people who I don't know quite as well, or maybe new people, I always feel self conscious, even though I believe I am no longer insecure about how I look. And I kind of realise, is it again because I have no trust in people to see me and judge me fairly and nice? I just kind of expect people to see the worst in me and think I am crap. Its like everything I have been ridiculed or judged badly for in the past, I believe everyone else sees what people judged me badly for and everyone thinks that same negative way about me.
I know Maggie will read this who mentioned her mother was so horrible to her and fellow school kids were mean to her (I suffered years of put downs at school), I wonder if one huge part of the problem is that you have no belief that people will judge you fairly and nice.
Y - who replied to my mail on self conscious in the car, that was interesting that you said you are not self conscious around strangers. I am trying to link not trusting people to your situation but I don't know enough about you or your experiences to make assumptions.
But what I want to add is that I am really confident around friends and family and co-workers who I am friendly with. I suffer no self conscious around them. And I think this is interesting because it shows I trust them, I know they treat me right, i.e. I know they will be nice towards me and they like me and won't be judging me in any other way. Whereas people I do not know and do not trust (because we don't know each other) I believe I have developed subconscious beliefs that when they see me they are always only going to be judging me badly, because that is what so many people in the past have done.
It begs the question, if you believed that people saw the best in your always and liked you and you could trust them always to be nice about you, would you be self conscious around them? If the answer is yes - are you self conscious about yourself? Because I used to be, but I have overcome that. If you are not self conscious about yourself and believe people will judge you well always, would you fear being judged negatively by people?
This may sound a silly example, but imagine yourself in a situation you fear in terms of being self conscious, anxious, etc. Replace the people with plastic dummies, would you still be self conscious? The answer is no right? Therefore its your beliefs of what those people are thinking of you that is causing the fear. You therefore believe people are going to be thinking negatives of you, are going to judge you critically, going to be nasty about you?
I mean can you relate to this, I often think that some people think negative things of me even though I don't know what I think. i.e. I often think some of my neighbours must think I am a bit weird because I don't often go out and when I see them I think they are critical of me. Or believing that no one of the opposite sex could ever be interested in you, and again that is believing people are always critical of you. Maybe you are like me and if you are walking into work and there are lots of windows from different offices overlooking where you walk in, you may feel self conscious and worried what people are thinking. Again its believing that people (may be not all people) do not see you fairly and nicely, but you believe people are always critical of you, i.e. have no trust in these people. As for Y - who said you are not self conscious in traffic when sat in the car, well you obviously think differently to these situations than some people. i.e. you don't care what strangers think because you do not know them or care what they think because you realise that they mean nothing. But there is something you may not trust about people who get to know you personally that you mention?
To sum up, in the situations we fear, I am really interested in looking into, do we not trust the people or person's in the situation to judge us fairly, we believe they are going to be critical of us and see the worst in us. If its true that we do not trust these people to be fair and judge us nicely and fairly, then is it possible to ever be confident around these people if you are self conscious as to how you believe these people judge you? Because remember, around the people you are confident around, you trust them, you believe they do see the good in you and are not judging you negatively.
Any thoughts from anyone would be interesting. I am going to have to have more thinking time on this and if it really is something that needs addressing, I am going to have to think of a way to believe I can trust people and not believe these people are always going to be critical of me and judge me negatively.
What do you think?
