cantgetout
New member
I just feel i had to write and tell someone what has happened to me for once and what better place than the internet i just typed a condition i think i have and this site came up so i hope u don't mind me writing here.
i've always led a normal life, a great life up until my mom got very sick when i was about 15, the next 6 months my life changed totally and i started to spend more time in hospitals than a god damn doctor, she got very sick and i couldn'tmove her to another hospital because of the risk of her dying in the process but i convinced the doctors to release her and be hospitalized in germany where conditions were 100x better, when we finally arrived she had little chance of survival but she got through it, i spent there a year while she recovered from her sickness that left her with about 36kg weight, we went back to where we lived before , only thought i had in my mind was if she was breathing ok and if she was feeling strange or if anything had changed in her eyes or skin, i would check up every 5 minutes for changes, I kept imagining she had called me when she didn't, i was clearly beggining to get paranoid, few months after we began to do physiotherapy together because she needed to get her muscles back in shape, one day we were practicing walking without crutches, i took my eyes off of her for 5 seconds,she fell and hit her head, i had never ever layed my eyes off of her but this time i did and she fell and cracked her head open, i have never ever seen so much blood in my life it almost made me faint, she was immediately sent to the hospital cuz had lost a big amount of blood, while waiting in the emergency room she caught a cold which 2 weeks later got worse and became pneumonia, her immune system was too weak to fight it off, 2 weeks passed and she couldn't even talk because of the fluid in her lungs,soon after she passed away right in front of me and i couldn't get of my head that it was all my fault....
I had now to move back to my fathers house, i returned to school and things didn't go well, i skipped almost all my morning classes cuz i could only sleep when facing extreme exhaustion, i refused to talk with anyone about what was going through my head, eventually i got kicked out of school for missing more than 80% of the classes in a period of 3 months, started spending much time in my house mostly in bed trying to sleep, gained about 25kg in the next few months, only left home to go to the shop and i only did it on times where i had minimum confrontation with people, i began to experience anxiety, fear of dying, fear of having a terrible disease, became a control freak and discovered i fear about anything that makes noises, i need explanations for everything that happens in my surroundings or else i won't be able to sleep till i find it out, this has been my life the past years, i work from home i do fairly good in terms of cash but i can't care less about money specially if i can't spend it, i have no ambitions, i have no dreams, only friend i got is a girl that i have known for years now but has no idea how fucked up i am in my head.
srry for the bad english it's my third language and any foul words i might have used, whoever read this sorry for boring you with my sad story but now that u've read it... please tell me what am i to do with my life
i've always led a normal life, a great life up until my mom got very sick when i was about 15, the next 6 months my life changed totally and i started to spend more time in hospitals than a god damn doctor, she got very sick and i couldn'tmove her to another hospital because of the risk of her dying in the process but i convinced the doctors to release her and be hospitalized in germany where conditions were 100x better, when we finally arrived she had little chance of survival but she got through it, i spent there a year while she recovered from her sickness that left her with about 36kg weight, we went back to where we lived before , only thought i had in my mind was if she was breathing ok and if she was feeling strange or if anything had changed in her eyes or skin, i would check up every 5 minutes for changes, I kept imagining she had called me when she didn't, i was clearly beggining to get paranoid, few months after we began to do physiotherapy together because she needed to get her muscles back in shape, one day we were practicing walking without crutches, i took my eyes off of her for 5 seconds,she fell and hit her head, i had never ever layed my eyes off of her but this time i did and she fell and cracked her head open, i have never ever seen so much blood in my life it almost made me faint, she was immediately sent to the hospital cuz had lost a big amount of blood, while waiting in the emergency room she caught a cold which 2 weeks later got worse and became pneumonia, her immune system was too weak to fight it off, 2 weeks passed and she couldn't even talk because of the fluid in her lungs,soon after she passed away right in front of me and i couldn't get of my head that it was all my fault....
I had now to move back to my fathers house, i returned to school and things didn't go well, i skipped almost all my morning classes cuz i could only sleep when facing extreme exhaustion, i refused to talk with anyone about what was going through my head, eventually i got kicked out of school for missing more than 80% of the classes in a period of 3 months, started spending much time in my house mostly in bed trying to sleep, gained about 25kg in the next few months, only left home to go to the shop and i only did it on times where i had minimum confrontation with people, i began to experience anxiety, fear of dying, fear of having a terrible disease, became a control freak and discovered i fear about anything that makes noises, i need explanations for everything that happens in my surroundings or else i won't be able to sleep till i find it out, this has been my life the past years, i work from home i do fairly good in terms of cash but i can't care less about money specially if i can't spend it, i have no ambitions, i have no dreams, only friend i got is a girl that i have known for years now but has no idea how fucked up i am in my head.
srry for the bad english it's my third language and any foul words i might have used, whoever read this sorry for boring you with my sad story but now that u've read it... please tell me what am i to do with my life
