went to a bar by myself last night

[Vincent]

After tutoring my adult accountant student last night, I was reinforced by two beers and shattered by seeing three different white people that day in a place I considered to be a haven from such.

I went to a bar by myself. The first, I walked in the door, calmly surveyed the scene despite the maid waiting on me. She didn't get under my skin, I was calm in that scene. I left.

Found a new bar. Unfortunately a white guy. But he avoided eye contact mostly. Turned out to be Russian. Two bar girls. Three local pattrons. Sat by myself at the bar first. They intermittantly tried to talk to me. Then found a seat at a table by myself. Successfully disconnected from reallity, focused on the asthetics of the frosted glass infront. Tuned my thoughts into abstraction despite the people's proximity. The bar owner came over to talk with me. I told her about how much courage it had taken me to come here. After three years in her country, finanally, I can do it.

I realise now that alot of people can come to a bar, without a desire to be social, to have a drink and reflect. Fortunately there are televisions and other distractions to pretend to watch. Now I feel I can go out to bars solo, be by myself and to myself, rather than do it alone in my room. I know now also that there are bar maids whose job it is to talk to you. If they don't then you can go to another bar where they will. They then lose business. You don't have to be charming and outgoing. Just be yourself.

 

[r0ck0ut04]

Good job, but whats wrong with white people.

 

[kris_k]

Perhaps you can become more confident in being around people in gereral by being more accepting of those people. You obviously have some deep seeded racism that you need to address....

 

[carebear]

Unfortunately a white guy.

i really don't understand this remark...
sounds like a prejudgement to me and thats not cool at all.

brings up a good point...I really wonder whether people with our disease overgeneralize to the point sometimes of being racially prejudice because of not having much experience with the world. That is really something to be worried about on a global scale.

 

[frizboy]

Wow. Does anybody besides me see the poetry here? That was quite good... velvety black.

I noticed you're from Taiwan. I don't know much about it. But I imagine things are probably different over there to say the least. Maybe there's an air of racial tension or distrust in some places, like I am sure there are in America. Like if you overturn a ghetto, and shake out anything that's living inside, you'll find one or two races, and you can probably guess neither is white. Then you cross the street to the Southwood Society Country Club, where everyone is pasty faced and loaded. There's a reason why some people are pissed off at "the Man."

Or... it could be that he's white?

 

[Vincent]

I am white

Sorry,

rereading my post, it does seem as though I am racist - anti whites.

Not so. I am white. I am from New Zealand, I am as white as the driven snow.

The reason I fear whites in Taiwan is because most of them speak English as a first language. So, they can communicate perfectly with me. What's more, being an expat (foreigner minority in another country), many will try and talk to me.

This is a huge source of anxiety for me. Around Taiwanese, I feel alot less anxiety, because I assume they can't speak English, or if they can, they speak slowly, so I my anxiety is less. In fact, I am also very fearful of Africans or Indians here too, as they can also speak English fluently. In Taipei (capital city, biggest, most modern, north), there are many Taiwanese who are fluent in English as they have been the West to get an education. They also scare me to death. I will be in a 7 Eleven, they will start speaking fluently in English, and sometimes, because I am white and they assume I can also speak English, try to talk to me.

I'm sorry. Actually I am a bit racist. I feel bad about it, I try to change this. It's all based on fear. Fear of my own colour, fear of different colors for different reasons. Aside from the language factor I mentioned;

African: fear violence (media, statistics and physical colouration),
envy coolness (music and popular culture)

Europeans: fear judgement (as I am more similar to them then the more
relevant the comparison). Especially ones very similar to me
in background, New Zealand male, late twenties, white.

Asian: least fear (they seem relatively peaceful, mild mannered,
traditional)

Indian: medium fear (seem friendly, social and not an angry race)

Polynesian: fear violence and anger (experience living in New Zealand)

North American Indian: No experience

Middle Eastern: fear of fantacism and violence (media and statistics)


Please help me dispel these racist views I have. However, remember, I fear everyone, I have social anxiety. So, as long as people are divisable by anything, visable or otherwise, my fear has a different shade. Visable differences are more practical, as you can categorise someone by just seeing them. I have different fears for people based upon; age, race, gender, clothing, facial expression and so on. These are the visual differentations. Others are based on things things unseen; Nationality, interests, personality etc.

I FEAR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[lifes_to_long]

for alot of people(almost everyone), racism is something that comes across as a decision, not in this case his racism steam from fear where as most steam from hatred, the only way it seems from my perspective that you will lose these feelings of fear towards other races is by being confident with in yourself that you are not racist therefore not re-enforcing the scared thoughts you have, in the same way that when many of us leave the house we fear it we dont hate it you have the same psychological trauma with race.
gd luck.