I'm not sure if this was a byproduct of how I was raised or if there is simply something wrong with my mental wiring but I have been like this ever since I can remember.
I have always been a good public speaker, or at least that's what I've been told a number of times. Though the thing is that during public speaking, I always know exactly what I'm going to say ahead of time and I can simply put myself at ease, get up in front of a crowd, and say what I need to say; I've even been told that I display plenty of charisma. However, during the events of my everyday life, I am an absolute mental wreck and nobody even knows it. I am quite quiet and reserved in public not because I am necessarily afraid to say anything out of shyness, but rather because I put so much pressure on myself to come across as being flawless in everyday conversation. I will rehearse a potential conversation in my head, trying to come up with the perfect thing to say, only to not come up with anything; so as a result, I end up not saying anything and coming across as either rude or simply shy.
I also appear to have an extreme irrational fear of offending people, to the point where I will not bother voicing my opinion in the event that someone may disagree with me and force a confrontation; and due to my insistence on being near perfect in social scenarios, I will avoid this at all cost unless I had rehearsed the confrontation in my head. I am not the type to get easily offended, so this is not a matter of me putting myself in the others shoes. For whatever reason, I just seem to expect the absolute worst out of everybody. I figure that if I don't come across as perfect, then I will come across as awkward and annoying by default. It's like my ego is a priceless vase and I'm just constantly trying to maneuver it through a crowd of people, any of which would take the chance to knock the vase out of my hands if I dared bump into them; though instead of setting the vase aside and joining the crowd, I continue to insist on manuevering the vase around and worrying about everyone.
Even after a conversation is over, I keep myself awake most nights just going over in my mind whether or not I came across as awkward or annoying, and rehearsing exactly what I'd say if the same scenario were to arise again; I can never get to sleep until I have rehearsed it correctly in my head. And the most annoying part is that I am fully aware that most if not all of the other people in these scenarios have likely long forgotten about whatever the incident may have been; they are able to move on, but I continue to obsess. I am simply afraid that if I stop rehearsing, one of these scenarios will arise again and I will be caught off guard and make another mistake.
I envy the type that can walk into a crowded room and become the life of the party, as they seem to be oblivious to the fact that they may be coming across as annoying or obnoxious to others. In a room full of people, I am always afraid to break monotone and show off any emotion or charismatic energy in the event that others may find it to be a bother, and as a result I would feel stupid for trying and wind up thinking all night about what an idiot I was being. I keep telling myself I don't care about what other people think, but yet I put so much stock into my own opinion of myself which is unfortunately conditioned indirectly by my perception of others in regards to me. God, I hope that made sense.
I am absolutely obsessed with preserving my ever so fragile ego and want so badly to stop thinking like this. The phrase "don't think, just do it" seems like suicide to someone like me. On the other hand I take the phrase "better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt" to almost dangerous extremes. Please help me to relieve myself of this mental anguish; I just don't know what to do or how to go about it all. I am in my early twenties now, watching friends and others I grew up with get married, have kids, and make a seemingly effortless transition into adulthood; while I continue to struggle with this way of thinking, not being able to move forward. I just want to put this frame of mind behind me once and for alland get on with my life.
I have always been a good public speaker, or at least that's what I've been told a number of times. Though the thing is that during public speaking, I always know exactly what I'm going to say ahead of time and I can simply put myself at ease, get up in front of a crowd, and say what I need to say; I've even been told that I display plenty of charisma. However, during the events of my everyday life, I am an absolute mental wreck and nobody even knows it. I am quite quiet and reserved in public not because I am necessarily afraid to say anything out of shyness, but rather because I put so much pressure on myself to come across as being flawless in everyday conversation. I will rehearse a potential conversation in my head, trying to come up with the perfect thing to say, only to not come up with anything; so as a result, I end up not saying anything and coming across as either rude or simply shy.
I also appear to have an extreme irrational fear of offending people, to the point where I will not bother voicing my opinion in the event that someone may disagree with me and force a confrontation; and due to my insistence on being near perfect in social scenarios, I will avoid this at all cost unless I had rehearsed the confrontation in my head. I am not the type to get easily offended, so this is not a matter of me putting myself in the others shoes. For whatever reason, I just seem to expect the absolute worst out of everybody. I figure that if I don't come across as perfect, then I will come across as awkward and annoying by default. It's like my ego is a priceless vase and I'm just constantly trying to maneuver it through a crowd of people, any of which would take the chance to knock the vase out of my hands if I dared bump into them; though instead of setting the vase aside and joining the crowd, I continue to insist on manuevering the vase around and worrying about everyone.
Even after a conversation is over, I keep myself awake most nights just going over in my mind whether or not I came across as awkward or annoying, and rehearsing exactly what I'd say if the same scenario were to arise again; I can never get to sleep until I have rehearsed it correctly in my head. And the most annoying part is that I am fully aware that most if not all of the other people in these scenarios have likely long forgotten about whatever the incident may have been; they are able to move on, but I continue to obsess. I am simply afraid that if I stop rehearsing, one of these scenarios will arise again and I will be caught off guard and make another mistake.
I envy the type that can walk into a crowded room and become the life of the party, as they seem to be oblivious to the fact that they may be coming across as annoying or obnoxious to others. In a room full of people, I am always afraid to break monotone and show off any emotion or charismatic energy in the event that others may find it to be a bother, and as a result I would feel stupid for trying and wind up thinking all night about what an idiot I was being. I keep telling myself I don't care about what other people think, but yet I put so much stock into my own opinion of myself which is unfortunately conditioned indirectly by my perception of others in regards to me. God, I hope that made sense.
I am absolutely obsessed with preserving my ever so fragile ego and want so badly to stop thinking like this. The phrase "don't think, just do it" seems like suicide to someone like me. On the other hand I take the phrase "better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt" to almost dangerous extremes. Please help me to relieve myself of this mental anguish; I just don't know what to do or how to go about it all. I am in my early twenties now, watching friends and others I grew up with get married, have kids, and make a seemingly effortless transition into adulthood; while I continue to struggle with this way of thinking, not being able to move forward. I just want to put this frame of mind behind me once and for alland get on with my life.
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I do this too. Esp the rehearsing what I'd say next time/what I should've said. I think when the urge to think about it comes on...TRY to distract yourself. I don't know. Maybe others will have better advice.