We catastrophise what people think in anxious situations?

[charlieHungerford]

I have spent a few hours today thinking about becoming confident in the situations we are anxious in and I am absolutely convinced one huge problem is that we catastrophise what people are thinking in situations we are anxious in. These are not beliefs on ourselves, its beliefs that people see us in the most negative way we can imagine and believe everyone thinks that way.

For instance in the past I have received lots and lots of negative feedback and put downs, called names, ridicule, insults, judged negatively that I have developed this belief that people just look at me very negatively. Maybe you didn't suffer the bullying I did at school, I don't know why everyone feels negatively about themselves but there must be some reason, I guess some people may have had a parent(s) who always put them down and you grew up thinking people are always critical of you. Whatever reason I am certain that we catastrophise what people think of us in the situations we are anxious in.

For instance I received a huge amount of put downs and ridicule for how I look and now I just believe people think I am ugly, even if I do think I look fine myself when I look in the mirror. I don't believe any woman could ever be interested in me? Why? Because I don't believe women think I look good enough (because I have been told such things in the past). Therefore I have catastrophised that all women think I am ugly. When I see a woman I like but don't really know I feel I have to look away and shouldn't look at her because she will think I am not good enough and I am offending her by looking at her because I am not good enough, that is what I believe she will think of me (even though she may not be looks orientated and like nice guys). Again catastrophising.

I was ridiculed over speech impediment for 7 years at school. I was so used to certain people laughing at me and repeating what I said and making me feel so stupid and pathetic that I was so self conscious speaking. I no longer really have this speech impediment, I don't think its bad, I think I can say almost every word, but if I feel I have said a word wrong I cringe, I believe that all people who heard are going to laugh and think I am some freak. Again catastrophising what people think.
If I had to do a presentation I believe that everyone will judge me negatively no matter who is in the audience or however I perform. I just believe people will judge me badly.
I don't have much of a social life so spend a lot of time at home. If I see a neighbour when I go out - whether they are in the street or I notice them at a window I believe they are thinking there is that weird loner, he is a funny one. I catastrophise what people think of me again.
Whatever situation I am anxious in, I just believe people will think the most negative things of me no matter who they are, even though I do not know what they think, no matter how I perform.

I must stress I don't think these things of myself. I like myself, I like how nice a person I am, I think I am fun, friendly, generous, interesting, I think I look average - I am in good shape, tall, cool hair, nice eyes, I have flaws but who doesn't? I am intelligent and good to chat to, I am not weird, I am a really good person. But I don't believe in people, I have have lost faith in people to actually see me and think in nice/positive or at least a neutral way because so many people have judged me negatively unfairly. I am not paranoid, its just if people have put you down so often, you just think that is how people see you, if people had always judged me positively and great then I believe I would be so confident and believe everyone always sees me positively, I mean why would I not if that is what so many people have experienced, just like people with huge egos like celebrities and sports stars who get so many people idolising them and making them feel so good, they get arrogant because they feel they are so good and everyone thinks they are amazing. I suffer from the opposite.

Can I ever be confident around women when I feel no woman could ever be interested in me? No. I know I am good enough, I have so much to offer, but have no belief at all that anyone else would think it.
Can I ever become confident in speaking when I feel if I say a word wrong that people will laugh their heads off and start thinking I am stupid? No.

I bet that if you think of situations and people you are anxious in/around, that you will find that you too catastrophise about what people think. Think about the situations - (I don't know what situations you are anxious in personally but some general ones that some may relate to) queues, presentations, asking someone out, meeting someone for the first time, chatting to someone you hardly know about yourself, being centre of attention when everyone is looking at you, introducing yourself, etc - whichever of those situations you are anxious in, I bet that you catastrophise what people think of you. But its unfair to think that everyone and anyone will think that way. I mean if I see someone doing a presentation I would not think bad of them, if they were struggling I would will them to succeed and give them a big clap at the end. Even if you had to do a situation you fear, even if it was a group of nuns, I bet you would still catastrophise what they think.

Its so destructive, so unfair and so sad that we feel that we are going to be slaughtered. Its got to change. We need to go into these situations believing people are not going to be 100% critical of us. Have you ever gone into a situation you fear believing that people will like you and judge you nicely and fairly?

Its time to change this. Just imagine going into a situation you have feared in the past but now thinking this is a chance to show people how cool you are and people will not be critical of you, knowing people are not going to think bad of you. If you have desensitised your perceived flaws and believe there is nothing wrong with you, would you be so self conscious if you believed that?

I am certain this is the key to overcoming SA (as well as desensitising your own perceived flaws so that you are not self conscious) but you do need to sort both these out.

I would love to chat with people about this. I spoke to my sister who is a nurse and is very interested in this sort of thing and she agreed with me that this is what is causing so many problem. I am sure there will be those who disagree. If so I respect that. I would love to hear any opinions that would be so cool.

Thanks for reading.

 

[charlieHungerford]

I just want to follow on from this catastrophising over what people think. i.e. in situations and around the people I suffer anxiety from I have these deep rooted negative beliefs that people just see the worst in me and judge me in the most negative ways.

Well if anyone can relate to 'catastrophising' in situations you are anxious, that people are thinking the worst things possible of you, only judge you in a negative and unfair way, well its time to start analysing.

Its time to analyse this and break it all down to see the reality.
So I brainstormed the following 'In the situations I fear and feel anxious, why do I believe people judge me in the most negative way possible and is it fair?'

I came up with the following reasons and questions that need to be looked at in detail.
1 - In the past I have suffered so much negative feedback, so much ridicule, so many put downs, so many insults, etc - that I just believe this is how everyone sees me, but those who don't say it because they are kinder.
***Branching off number 1 = lets analyse the ridicule I got, who said it, why did they say it? Do people really think the negatives that people said?
2 - If I don't know what people are thinking and they have not said anything, why am I jumping to the conclusion they are thinking the worst?
3 - If someone doesn't say a positive about me what are they really thinking?
4 - Was I the only one to get lots of negative comments? Was I singled out as being some freak or have I lost track of reality that lots of kids back in school days got called names but I took it too personally?
5 - Have I changed much from the days I received so many negative comments?
6 - Have I received any positives? If so, why do I not ever take notice of these? If negatives are taken into account then surely positives have to as well. If positives are not taken into account then neither should negatives.
7 - Are people really cruel? Do I see people being so mean about others?
8 - Are we allowed to have flaws and still be good enough?
9 - If someone doesn't like me and they think bad of me, does it matter?

So I have started to analyse this belief of why do I believe people always think the worst in me and is it fair?
(I don't know if I have much time to start answering these questions properly now, but I will start and finish off tomorrow).

1 - Yes, I did receive a lot of put downs, name calling, ridicule, insults, etc at school. But should I believe that everyone thinks this way about me? The answer is quite clearly absolutely not. These kids who were so horrid to me were immature, pathetic, insensitive, were horrible to me because I was a weak kid and these kids wanted to show off to their friends by being horrible, wanted to look tough by being horrible and wanted to feel better about themselves. At the end of the day they could have been horrible about any kid if they wanted to. I just seemed to be an easy target. The things they ridiculed me and insulted me for - such as my weight (I was skinny), speech impediment, and my nose (which isn't even that bad at all) - it was all making me feel bad for anything that may be not perfect in me. But I am a good weight now, I can speak fine and my nose is fine, sure it may be slightly bigger than perfect, but its not huge and doesn't make me ugly. So should I believe people are always thinking horrible things of me? No, people are more mature at my age and are more aware of their own 'flaws', they know no one is perfect, we all have faults. Some people are very looks orientated, that is just them, but I don't need to worry about these people because I am not interested in shallow looks orientated people. If someone judges me as not good enough for one or two flaws, they will judge most people as not good enough. Do people really think negative for the flaws people said in me? Well weight - I am tall and a very good weight, I am very happy with my body, there is nothing wrong with me, so no. My speech - its just a sound. Even if I say a word wrong so what. You can even laugh and say I can never say that word, and turn it into a conversation - 'Are there any words you cannot say?' Its no big deal, it doesn't make me not clever, ugly, weird, stupid, etc, its just a sound. My nose is a bit bigger than perfect - well my nose isn't bad for starters, its slightly bigger yes, but lots of people have some parts of them that are not ideal - men who are bald, people with acne, people with bad teeth, people with big chins or very small chins, people who have scars, people who have big noses or unusual shaped noses, people who have big ears, etc. Its stupid to think that a feature that may be not quite perfect is simply not good enough. The only people who think that way are not even worth worrying about. There is so much more to someone being attractive than that - personality, confidence, intelligence, etc. So I thinks its quite safe to say no people do not think this way, I don't look at people who have anything not quite perfect and think they are not good enough, it just makes them human. So here is a belief that is wrong.
2 - If I don't know what people are thinking and they have not said anything, why am I jumping to the conclusion they are thinking the worst?
Well, it is down to lack of faith in people, people have always been really mean to me in the past and so I assume they think the same things, but I have realised those people were so immature and had reasons to say it, such as to be horrible and make me feel bad about anything that they noticed was not perfect. Its time to stop thinking along those lines. So what are people really thinking? Well we see people all day everyday on the tv, in the street, at work, in shops, in cars, etc - do people really think anything of people they see? I think the answer is no, unless someone was really nice to you, someone was really attractive on the eye or someone was really rude or looked really bad - i.e. a slob or a scruffy tramp. Even if people see someone who is pleasing on the eye it doesn't mean people fancy these people, you just notice them. But I think most people are not really noticed or thought anything of. So what is the point jumping to worst possible conclusion? There is no point. Its time to change this. Lets leave an open view here, people can think what they like, who knows what they think, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, we all like different looks, different personalities, etc and even if someone doesn't like how we look for instance, does it really matter? They can think that way, but what one person thinks does not make it a fact that everyone thinks like that. We all must see people who we think nothing of in terms of how they look, but is that a bad thing for that person? I see loads of women about and think nothing of them in terms of looks, does that mean they are inferior to me because I haven't fancied them from looks alone? Not at all. It doesn't mean I cannot find them attractive, because if they have personality I like and are cool I could easily fancy them. There is nothing here to think negative about. So again another belief that is wrong.

I have to leave my message here, its getting late and I am tired. But I will finish this off over the week, to show that these deep rooted beliefs have just got exaggerated and lost track of reality. They need addressing and I need to understand the way I have seen things is wrong and then develop a new honest and realistic way to see this.

 

[charlieHungerford]

What a great post I think you are 100 percent right with what you say here, I mean for a start I do it, I go into situations thinking the worst that people will judge me harshly, etc..when in actuallity the situations turn out no where near as bad as I thought before hand, I also think you are right that getting rid of the automatic negative thoughts IS the key to overcoming SA, good post look forward to seeing more of your posts

Oh wow that is so cool, thanks so much

Look forward to chatting to you sometime soon! Have a good week ahead!

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Hi charlie,

I like your point about catastrophising situations.

I also think that people are a bit like sheep -in that they follow our lead and react off of us just as much as we are reacting to everything.
Along with this -I think to myself that my sensitive, anxious reactions to people are probably very similar to their unconcious reactions to me.

...for example: I can get overwhelmed in social situations easily at times; all it takes is a little more pressure or unpredictability, and my responses are so instantaneous.
In fact, it is this lightning quick anxiety that has baffled me, both in how it pops up so instantly and with this I am not conciously in control over it.
....but then I notice (some) peoples' response to my anxiousness: they mat have a surprised look of disapproval or ridicule on their face.
....So, what if their making a big issue over my being nervous and sensitive is the result of their unconcious reactions and lack of control over their emotional responses.
...Since: what of the fact that I am easily overwhelmed in people situations-? -what of the fact that I have a weakness for anxiety concerning people-? and that I am highly sensitive-? (....not to mention that these characteristics go into my being talented artistically and in-tune emotionally with others... like you, I also see my self as a basically good human being)

So, I feel able to distance my self a little more from being afraid and easily effected by other people!! And I can better make the connection between my strong reactions and those of others; and how my negativity about my self is the same as the judgmental responses of others -or that victim and aggressor are alike in this sense.


I think a key thing is being able to distance oneself from hypersenstive reactions, nervousness and all the other things that we are scared of being and being judged for. ...That if we can get to a place where we feel that we still love and respect ourselves despite these, that then we can finally have the control over such sensitivities.
Or, to use the word 'catastrophising' - if we can see past these 'social mistakes' and see who we are as being bigger than such things, that then we can finally cause these things to take a smaller place in our lives; as opposed to catastrophising them and making them bigger.

And I think that getting to this 'place' probably involves how we look at who we are -whether we are able to base our sense of who we are on more than these social graces (or lack thereof) ; and instead respect the ways in which we already have social grace -probably in less superficial ways; as in, being sociable isn't just about how a person is in groups, but also how they are on a more intimate level; and also, just by seeing the whole of who we are. ...So, it is partly about identity and the way we define what being 'sociable' means (have you read that people with social anxiety are in fact called 'people people' ...obviously being highly sensitive has positive social aspects)

And the other aspect has probably got to do with simple control over emotional responses. ....Since without this, it is harder to control the mind and to not think negatively and reactively.
For this, I think that techniques like meditation, exercise, tai chi, yoga, medication, positive affirmations, and hobbies like art that focus the mind whilst allowing it space to be calm -can all help in calming the mind to give clarity, and also developing our ability to control our feelings and thoughts.

And, for me, my anxiety problems are more about high sensitivity and with this a sort of egocentricity -which, I believe, naturally goes with having strong sensitivity, just as a person will be inclined to feel themselves the centre of the world when they become engrossed in their strong feelings and reactions. And along with this, comes a propensity towards anxiety (the becoming overwhelmed and disorientated by all the outside stimuli). I am fortunate enough not to have suffered much psychological or any other abuse.

Thanks for bringing-up the topic of 'catastrophising'. It is most definetly a good point and observation. ...and rather than making these 'social mistakes' bigger, we should be making them smaller and then others will respond likewise ...since they are often just as unconcious