Clemisnail
Member
I usually never do this, because I feel so self conscious and can already picture you thinking to yourself "Here you go again, another dysfunctional attention-seeker who has nothing better to do then post her life online". To be honest, I think I have a problem with that being the truth: that I might need attention from people now, that I might need to say something, that I might need to be listened to, that I might be dysfunctional.
I have done something similar once, when I met the "love of my life". 7 years ago. An eternity on the line, to end up here. You see, I was only 13, and I fell in love with someone I met online. Long story short, despite not having my parents' approval for it, I went ahead and we got together, I moved of country for him, I moved in with him for him, and I broke up with him for myself. Seing a pattern here? I realized that love is a feeling that only springs from the need to fill up a gap: it's the dysfunction of 2 individuals, that are supposed to be building something together, get married, have children, grow old together and die together. I don't understand it, it never made sense before this relationship, even less now. Not after what he put me through when we lived together for 3 months after the break up, or when he refused to pay me back a large amount of money I had lent him through our break up, or when he got violent and abusive with me...
Lately, I have been surrounded by people who are self centered, especially due to their new relationships. I feel I might as well be a doormat. I can't stand being around people for too long, it has always drained me, scared me, hurt me, damaged me. My ex was one person I could stay around with for hours. I am a very devoted person to others despite the fact that I get in terrible states of anxiety by staying around people for too long. I have managed to control it, but I feel it is coming back. Even my closest friends only ever talk of themselves, barely acknowledge how dedicated I am to them. I guess it's only fair to say it's my fault, if I want it to be about myself, then I should make it about myself. I should tell my friends to stop talking about themselves, that I'm sick of it, that I am not ok, that I wish things could end here and now. I'm just not that impulsive...
Any thoughts/comments would be much appreciated. I guess I am just looking for any insight at all about my situation.
I have done something similar once, when I met the "love of my life". 7 years ago. An eternity on the line, to end up here. You see, I was only 13, and I fell in love with someone I met online. Long story short, despite not having my parents' approval for it, I went ahead and we got together, I moved of country for him, I moved in with him for him, and I broke up with him for myself. Seing a pattern here? I realized that love is a feeling that only springs from the need to fill up a gap: it's the dysfunction of 2 individuals, that are supposed to be building something together, get married, have children, grow old together and die together. I don't understand it, it never made sense before this relationship, even less now. Not after what he put me through when we lived together for 3 months after the break up, or when he refused to pay me back a large amount of money I had lent him through our break up, or when he got violent and abusive with me...
Lately, I have been surrounded by people who are self centered, especially due to their new relationships. I feel I might as well be a doormat. I can't stand being around people for too long, it has always drained me, scared me, hurt me, damaged me. My ex was one person I could stay around with for hours. I am a very devoted person to others despite the fact that I get in terrible states of anxiety by staying around people for too long. I have managed to control it, but I feel it is coming back. Even my closest friends only ever talk of themselves, barely acknowledge how dedicated I am to them. I guess it's only fair to say it's my fault, if I want it to be about myself, then I should make it about myself. I should tell my friends to stop talking about themselves, that I'm sick of it, that I am not ok, that I wish things could end here and now. I'm just not that impulsive...
Any thoughts/comments would be much appreciated. I guess I am just looking for any insight at all about my situation.
