Trying something new...

[digin]

So I’ve finally decided to take the plunge and post, in my effort to try something different each day and push my own boundaries each day. Where do I start? If I ramble please excuse me, I just need to get this all out for my own sake.

I’ve had social phobia ever since I was a kid, I think immigrating to Canada (where I live now) at age 6 really set it off, because before that people always told me what a confident kid I was, even a bit of a brat, I’d go for whatever I wanted and do whatever I wanted with no fear and full confidence. Things changed since then throughout grade school, through high school and into university things got worse. I remember getting stomach aches everyday before going to school, being around people and in uncertain situations would leaving me physically and mentally shaken.

Making friends was never easy, I was that kid in grade 8 who dreaded recess, and stood by the wall counting the minuets until it was over. I was the kid in high school who dreaded lunchtime at the cafateria because I might have to talk to people. I was the guy in University who could never go to the commons and buy lunch, instead I would go to the library sit at those cubicle desks and study, even when there was nothing to study, just to eat up time. There were ocasions when class mates reached out to me that shy quiet guy, but I never let them become more than acquaintances, people you just see in class say hi and that’s it. It allowed me to only talk about what was happeing in school, that tough assignment we had or that crazy prof. as appose to delving deeper into my personal life, friends, fun, parties, concerts (none of which I could discuss not having experienced these same things) so I kept people away.


Fast forward to now I find myself in the same situations I’ve read about here, my social anxiety has left me at 24 years old without close friends, never had a girlfriend, don’t have my drivers licence, and with the same fears you guys have. After graduating university I didn’t get a job until one year had passed, I feared taking that step, I kept putting it off. Somehow I managed to send out my resume, luckily one responded I interviewed and got the job and here I am. I count my blessings for it because it was doing something I love, graphic design, and it was at small firm with only four other people, so its not like I dove into the deep end. That job forced me to have to take public transit to get into the city, go figure I get a job right near one the busiest streets in Toronto. Its been a year since than, I’ve gotten use to the commute, the people all around. But I feel like my fear still has that hold on me. I would leave home go straight to work and at the end of the day, go straight home, point a to point b, I could never detour from my routine , stop at a coffee shop or go out to lunch.

But I feel something has finally begun to shift, even if only slightly. Something in my mind clicked this past month, a desire to change this, a feeling that I had to do everything in myself to overcome this. When I think about my desire to change and beat social phobia, I’ve never felt it this strong. I began researching it online, looking through forums, and postings, finding others like me, and finally admitting, truly, that this was a problem I had, not avoiding or denying there was an issue.

I realized that my thoughts about others aren't based in reality, instead I’m always predicting what will happen, usually negative, or mind reading what someone is thinking about me, always considering the worst outcome, when in fact none of these thought are based on anything real. I’ve made it a conscious effort to catch these thoughts and label them as what they really are. I’ve also committed to myself, and now publicly to you, to try something different each day, no matter how small. This past week I decided to walk down the busy Toronto street to the subway instead of taking the street car. I just forced myself to. Consciously standing up straight shoulders back, head up, appearing confident, if only faking it (like they say fake it till you make it) trying to take in my surroundings, not just getting from A to B as fast as possible. I’ve consciously made an effort to look people in the eye when talking to them, I went out this weekend to practice driving with the dad after not doing so for about a year, and surprised myself how well I did, I even hired a driving instructor just so that I could commit to it. Today instead of just saying good morning to the secretary at work I followed up by asking how her weekend was. Surprising to me she just spilled her guts, who knew by just asking a question people will talk on an on, you just have to listen. Now I am posting this long post, spilling my guts to whoever will listen, trying something new something different. I promise to keep pushing myself everyday, get out of my comfort zone. Who knows maybe I’ll finally go into a coffee shop and order a drink or speak to a complete stranger, in fact I know I will I just have to force myself to do it keep believing I can change for the better, everyday. I know I have a ways to go, but little by little I can get there and so can you, we both can.

 

[digin]

I was that same way, waking down the street thinking everyone I passed must have had some negative thought about me, oh look how he’s walking or how he’s standing, or his hair is out of place, whatever, they were always irrational, and in my own mind, I bet people don’t even notice those things. Lately though I think I began to realize people are so wrapped up in themselves, their own insecurities, that they aren't thinking about yours. I know when I’m walking down the street I don’t notice every little negative thing about the people I pass by. I’ve also tried for the past couple of weeks to walk confident, chest up shoulders back head up looking towards the horizons not down or all around. Its weird, but you feel more confident just by pretending to be. I think people notice it too.

I’ve heard many fashion shows have a sign that hangs on the wall right in front of the runway entrance that the models see before walking out on the catwalk, that reads “Everybody Wants You.” That’s the thought going through their mind while walking, no wonder they look so confident. We should all walk down the street with that thought “Everybody Wants Me” it might perk us up, feel more confident.

P.S I love your name, toothpastekisses, the Maccabees song right? great band.

 

[IWouldPreferNotTo]

My gosh I can soo relate to this, especially the childhood part. I was always a really bubbly, confident kid surrounded by friends. Apparently, this all changed when I started secondary school, my parents said I was like a different person. I think this was mostly due to the fact that my new school was mainly Asian-populated and being a pale, white girl I felt like I didn't at all fit and was bullied a little...I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb, argh I remember lonely days sat crying into my lunch in the loo however i did make some mates eventually but I believe being isolated and friendless for about 3-4 years had SUCH a huge imapct on me that I became almost silent, even around family. I felt useless and pathetic even though I was doing quite well grade-wise at school. I am still to this day "the quiet, weird girl" at college, I am DREADING university (though at the same time thinking it could be a cool opportunity for DRASTIC change perhaps? :s) and I am having massive identity crisis--I have no idea who I am I cant even walk down the street without feeling weird and awkward and like everyone thinks I'm pathetic ffs! But yeahh, it's good to know that loads of us are in the same boat, sorry for rambling a bit..

For me 'university' (we call it 'college' here in the US) was worse than High School. I think it's because in HS, my parents forced me to participate in sports and other group things, so I made friends. When I was in college, there was no one to force me, so I never did anything, and as a result, never had any real friend in college. I couldn't wait for it to be over. I'd recommend doing some group activity as soon as you start college and suffer through the initially suckyness of it. After that passes, the friends you've made will have made it worth it.

 

[spaz]

You have the right approach to SA. I try to do the same thing. When I feel I can't do something, like ask a shop assistant how their day is, I will try to force myself to do it. Over time, it does get alot easier. By getting out of your comfort zone, and at the same recognizing any irrational thoughts, I think we can make having SA more bearable. I don't think it will ever go away entirely, but become manageable.

 

[digin]

Well in my ongoing attempt to try something new each day I just sent off an email to someone from university who was a semi friend or maybe even considered me a friend, always nice and friendly, trying to get me out of my shell, even suggesting we hang out, but I always made excuses not to; too busy with school work, too far out of my way, whatever. I sent her an email just asking what she’s been up to the past two years, I’m glad I did, what do I have to lose right? I can only gain from this, even if its learning to reach out to other people and initiate that contact.

We just have to keep taking steps forward because maybe sometimes the journey between where we are and where we want to be isn’t as terrifying or as far away as we imagine it to be.