Trouble Making Eye Contact?????

[NewHope]

I just got an account on this website because for the past year and a half i have been struggling with anxiety really bad. For some reason one day i all of a sudden had a really hard time making eye contact with people. All of a sudden everyday became such a hassle because simple conversations and walking past people in hallways became extremely difficult to handle. If someone looked at me and called my name, i would think "oh my god i have to look at this person, and when i did i would end up giving them like "weird eyes". I ended up thinking about it more and more day in and day out, wondering if people thought i was weird or thinking "Why is he looking at me like that". Around my family i do a little bit better. It's really the initial process of me looking into their eyes and then once i get locked in to their eyes, i feel a little better. It's causing me to isolate. I'm also a former drug addict and was addicted to cocaine. I probably started using drugs to self medicate myself in the first place because of my insecurities and anxietys. But while using the cocaine this "eye problem" started. Now that im clean for over a year and it hasn't gone away, i'm afraid i'm damaged for good, it's affecting every part of my life, i'll walk three blocks out of my way, just so i don't have to walk past people who will be staring at me. I find it hard to work. I just wan't to be normal. I've tried to face these fears and put my self in social situations which might help me get over it. I'll feel better and then the feelings just come back. I saw a psychiatrist and I'm taking Paxil and depakot to help, and i do feel a little better. If anyone has any suggestions or can relate, please post. Thanks

 

[Zipper]

THis is very common. Even for "normal" people, there are moments of wierdness and awkwardness that momentarily surface where they have to look away or to the side. I had a friend in law school who grew up in Hawaii amongst the Japanese subculture there, so when she came to the Midwest, there were a lot of different mannerisms she had to get used to, including lots of eye contact. She was very up front about it and was not too embarrassed (a little bit), but you did notice her looking away and toward in a very forced manner.

My advice to you: If you care to get better, you care about yourself, and there are people who care about you, then let them know about how you feel. Tell them you are anxious and insecure and afraid of judgment. Invite them to practice making those comments that you fear would demolish your sense of self if you ever heard them made.

Talk to other people you know -- live people, and share with them your problems. Self-disclosure is a very helpful part of recovery. Also, if you can get into a group therapy for SA, that would be awesome. Meet a few people who are as odd as you! Practice staring at them, or making "wierd eyes" at them, or looking shifty around them -- whatever it is that you are afraid of doing. Try to convince them that you are that person you were trying to keep them from concluding about you.

This isn't a catastrophe, it isn't the end of your life. It is fixable. It does not define you as "used goods," it has just become a strange personality quirk, so embrace it, turn it into a joke, and learn to work your way out of it -- slowly.

You know, there really aren't any hard and fast rules about how and when and for how long one should make eye contact. It is really up to you to write the codebook for interpersonal interaction. Read a sociology text book on the development of human culture and you will see that you are not just someone who is "told the rules" by others and subject to their punishment for infraction, but you yourself are also a law-maker and law-enforcer.

In short, if you decide that it is normal and good to be a shifty-eyed dude, then there is not a word anybody can say to prove you wrong.

JUDGMENT UNTO VICTORY!

 

[Gloomy]

Ive never been able to look somebody in the eyes. The best I can manage is the forehead and that is only for a few seconds. The worst thing is walking down the street or in a mall. I cant look at the people i pass. I always pretend like i dont even notice them.

 

[Alkaenn]

The worst thing is walking down the street or in a mall. I cant look at the people i pass. I always pretend like i dont even notice them.

hmm do people actually look other people that they dont know in the eyes when they'r just walking down the street?
ive never seen that as a problem i just try to ignore people i dont know.
worst thing for me is in conversations, i try to look people in the eyes but cant do it for more than a few secounds so i start looking down on the floor.

 

[Falcon]

Hey man! I had the same problem for a long time. I couldn't even look an acquaintance I'd know for years in the eye when we were having a friendly conversation. It was horrible. Here are some exercises you can use to help SOLVE your problem!

1) Sunglasses. Once a week, go out to a crowded place and wear sunglasses. Stare everyone in the eye. It will help you get used to that feeling.

2) Kids. Have you ever noticed how little kids (say age 2 or less) look you right in the eye without shame? Well, look at them right back! The best place to do this is at toy and grocery stores. It might sound kind of creepy, but kids LOVE looking at people, so just go out to a Toys'r'Us and have stare downs with all the babies and toddlers. Wear a smile or grin while you do this and you won't look creepy at all, just like you're admiring how cute the lil rascal is. This will help you get used to looking people in the eye.

3) Random people. This is the hardest step. Go out to a place and look at people in the eye and smile. No matter what happens, force yourself to continue staring right into their eye. Pick an eye, either one. It will help you focus. I warn you, this will be hard, even after lots of practice with step 2.

The real breakthrough for me came when I was working on step 3. I was in a Target, and I was kind of ambling around the DVDs. A girl across the DVD rack and I met eyes (I wasn't even trying to make eye contact, I just kind of saw movement and looked up). We met eyes for a second or two, then she looked away. Slightly bemused, I kept looking, only to see her glance at my eyes again, then put her head down and quickly walk off. What did I see in her eyes? Lack of confidence. Timidity. Even fear. It really highlighted to me how I must seem when I lack the courage to make eye contact. It was unattractive and repulsive, honestly - clearly she was interested in me, but she couldn't even keep eye contact. This was my turning point and my breakthrough. I hope you will eventually have a similar one.

 

[NewHope]

Thanks for all your replies, i got something different from each one. I'm glad i found this website where people can actually relate to what i'm going through. I'm in therapy for my addiction, but looking into an SA type of meeting would definitely help, sort of what i'm doing on this website, but face to face. I tried sunglasses for a while, but then i got addicted to wearing them, and people started asking me why i was wearing them all the time, like in the rain, and in the dark, lol. I could try what FALCON said and try like once a week. Like ALKAENN wrote about walking past somebody on the street or in a mall. The difference with unique people like us is that normal people don't even think about it as a big deal, but we tend to overanalyze the situation, and feel like we should be looking at everyone, and i get paranoid and nervous. GLOOMY, i can relate to that too, thats what i've been doing most recently, it helps, especially focusing on only one eye. Thanks for that response ZIPPER, i have definitely opened up to my family and people i'm really close with, but i feel that other people who don't know me that well will look at me even weirder if i bring it out on the table. I try and think positive, that other people probably don't really give a fuck about what i'm doing or how i'm looking at them, they have their own problems, and i can't let this ruin my life. Hopefully practice and time will Heal it.

 

[Radley]

Hi Newhope
It was a real relief to read about your problem as I've suffered with this too. I can't always maintain eye contact and when I do I feel like I get this awful stare look about me and I'm sure the other person is conscious of it. It even happens with ppl I know.
One thing that can really help is to not actually look directly into ppl's eyes but, say, look at the corner part of someones eye or the middle of the nose as it can really help you feel much more relaxed. At first, it feels a little strange but you get used to it and the person you are speaking to has no idea that you are not looking directly into their eyes. Its a good way to completely overcome the problem too because, over time, you can slowly change where you look, until eventually you're comfortable with full eye contact again. It's working for me

 

[Meaning_of_meaningless]

Hi NewHope, I have been having this eye contact problem as well. I used to give other people the weird eyes too..it would freak me out if I could see myself in a mirror 8O .

I discovered that the problem were due to my deep rooted beliefs of being judged. During my conversations, I would often seek validation/appoval from the other party whom I am talking to. So I would constantly monitor their faces to "check" if I said something wrong.

This fear will be expressed through body language including the eyes and even in my speech (I always feel as if I am being interrogated during conversation). And I fear them because I believed these people were judging me and that my presence has to be validated by them.

So my advice to you is to try to intercept these misconceptions and resolve those fear before making eye contact with the person (lest you give the weird eyes treatment!). And as you approach a person, hold the believe that your presence need not be validated by them. Most people are not judgemental, they really care about you. 8)

Going for Bible study helps too because it put things in the right perspective. I hope this helps 8)

 

[NewHope]

Thanks again, some days are better than others, i just can't get it off of my mind and sometimes i feel hopeless. I will definitely try some of these techniques. I just hope i can stick with them and not drift back to my negative way of looking at it!!!!

 

[LotRfan]

I would prefer someone to not make eye contact all the time, than to those people you sometimes face where they take you all in, and they don't look away, coz it makes me feel uncomfortable and makes me take my eyes of them for a while. I find it hard to make contact with people i don't know, but i do look at them, just not all the time, like i look into their eyes or at their mouth then i look away for a while, or over their shoulder then i look at them again. I do it with family too and it depends what their talkin about, if their talking about something that really interests me, i can make good eye contact, but if its something their talking about but it's not interesting me, i can look at them but not for long, i'll look at the TV or something else for a whole. Though when i'm walking down the street or in the shopping centre i'll sometimes look at people, and sometimes i catch their eye, then look away, and i notice that they do the same thing, if you hold a stare on someone for a while, i notice they look away too, like i hate it when i'm eating in the shopping centre or having a drink and know that someone might be watching me whilst i'm taking a bite into my sandwich so i take a glimpse at the person and they look away. Then

 

[Boundless]

Making eye contact for me is very hard,even to my own father.I make occasional eye contact then quickly look away.Guess people can see it as a weakness but i cant help it,job interviews are so hard for me as i cant look at them