AB
New member
Hi,
The question of me having OCD has been really bothering me lately. I became really depressed and suffered from severe anxiety about 2 years ago when I was going through a really stressful time in my life. My doctor put me on Effexor and I began seeing a coucellor. Both really seemed to help me, especially the coucelling. During my last session (over a year ago) I recalled some thoughts I had when I was younger that seemed to make my coucellor perk up, but unfortanetly, I never got a chance to elaborate or talk to her again about it. Over the past year, I have been doing some research and connecting my past and present experiences together. I was hoping I could share some of this and that someone could give me an opinion.
It all started when I was 7 years old (I'm in my early 20's now). One day I suddenly got this intrusive thought in my head, almost like someone else had barged right into my mind and started making wicked accusations. This 'voice' would tell me over and over again that I did not love my family or God and I was a terrible person for it. I remember this upsetting me very much and the thought would not go away...it was haunting and followed me wherever I went. To try and rid myself of the thought I would repeat over and over again to myself in my head the following phrase, "I love God and Jesus and everyone very very very much." I would repeat this to myself for hours. I was very secretive of it, because I did not want my family to know. This process lasted for about a year, with some days being worse than others. Then it just went away and I was freed.
About a year later, I again had another severe anxiety. This wasn't in the form of a voice, but more an anxious thought. I became obessed with getting sick and dying. Whenever I would see someone with a disease on tv or real life, I was convinced I either had it or was going to get it. I became paranoid of illness and every slight 'symptom' of something I might feel or thought I felt, in my mind meant I was going to die. I too tried to hide this from my family, but it was hard, and a couple of times I was visably upset about getting sick or touching something with germs, but my parents (like most parents would) discounted it as a phase I was going through.
This would be the last time I would have these intrusive thoughts until I started university. Now, over the past 5 years they have started to haunt me...mostly during times of stress or change in my life. They have come in varying degrees and have lasted for varying periods of time. These thoughts have included hurting loved ones, spontaneously kissing others (even complete strangers), hurting myself, and fear that someone or something else was going to hurt or kill my husband or someone in my family. These thoughts seemed to be less when I was on Effexor, and now that I have stopped taking it, some have returned.
Recently, I have had this terrible haunting image of me stabbing my husband to death while he sleeps. I have this terrible thought that I will do this in my sleep and have no control over it. I lie awake at night worried that this will come true. When I'm really upset over one of these thoughts, the thought in my head will switch to images of me banging my head so hard into the wall that I crush my skull, and so as you can see it never ends!
If this is OCD, I find it weird that at one period of my life I had a compulsion to try and rid myself of the obsessions and at other periods I have not. Is this normal? I just really want to know what is going on and what to do about it, because deep down I know that I have a wonderful life...I just want stop all of this and live it!
If anyone else has had an experience similar to this, please let me know and what you have done about it!
Thanks and God Bless.
The question of me having OCD has been really bothering me lately. I became really depressed and suffered from severe anxiety about 2 years ago when I was going through a really stressful time in my life. My doctor put me on Effexor and I began seeing a coucellor. Both really seemed to help me, especially the coucelling. During my last session (over a year ago) I recalled some thoughts I had when I was younger that seemed to make my coucellor perk up, but unfortanetly, I never got a chance to elaborate or talk to her again about it. Over the past year, I have been doing some research and connecting my past and present experiences together. I was hoping I could share some of this and that someone could give me an opinion.
It all started when I was 7 years old (I'm in my early 20's now). One day I suddenly got this intrusive thought in my head, almost like someone else had barged right into my mind and started making wicked accusations. This 'voice' would tell me over and over again that I did not love my family or God and I was a terrible person for it. I remember this upsetting me very much and the thought would not go away...it was haunting and followed me wherever I went. To try and rid myself of the thought I would repeat over and over again to myself in my head the following phrase, "I love God and Jesus and everyone very very very much." I would repeat this to myself for hours. I was very secretive of it, because I did not want my family to know. This process lasted for about a year, with some days being worse than others. Then it just went away and I was freed.
About a year later, I again had another severe anxiety. This wasn't in the form of a voice, but more an anxious thought. I became obessed with getting sick and dying. Whenever I would see someone with a disease on tv or real life, I was convinced I either had it or was going to get it. I became paranoid of illness and every slight 'symptom' of something I might feel or thought I felt, in my mind meant I was going to die. I too tried to hide this from my family, but it was hard, and a couple of times I was visably upset about getting sick or touching something with germs, but my parents (like most parents would) discounted it as a phase I was going through.
This would be the last time I would have these intrusive thoughts until I started university. Now, over the past 5 years they have started to haunt me...mostly during times of stress or change in my life. They have come in varying degrees and have lasted for varying periods of time. These thoughts have included hurting loved ones, spontaneously kissing others (even complete strangers), hurting myself, and fear that someone or something else was going to hurt or kill my husband or someone in my family. These thoughts seemed to be less when I was on Effexor, and now that I have stopped taking it, some have returned.
Recently, I have had this terrible haunting image of me stabbing my husband to death while he sleeps. I have this terrible thought that I will do this in my sleep and have no control over it. I lie awake at night worried that this will come true. When I'm really upset over one of these thoughts, the thought in my head will switch to images of me banging my head so hard into the wall that I crush my skull, and so as you can see it never ends!
If this is OCD, I find it weird that at one period of my life I had a compulsion to try and rid myself of the obsessions and at other periods I have not. Is this normal? I just really want to know what is going on and what to do about it, because deep down I know that I have a wonderful life...I just want stop all of this and live it!
If anyone else has had an experience similar to this, please let me know and what you have done about it!
Thanks and God Bless.