miss-m
New member
Hi, there. I've suffered from OCD for four years. It started after my mother died and I heard a strange noise outside. I began to think burglars were trying to get me, and so I repeatedly checked doors. After that, it progressed to a belief that the house would catch fire if I didn't check every light switch and lock in the house a certain number of times. Four years later, I still have tics about the stove, the light switches, the door locks and the fridge.
Now, these days, it's much worse. Bob (that's what I've been coached to call my anxiety) is telling me God will punish me in some way (I'm not even very religious. I believe in God, but I don't go to church) if I don't do my tics. I never had that 4 years ago. It was just a little anxiety then. Now it's huge and affects my daily life. I can't enjoy anything, really. A couple of things that wig me every single day.
1) Checking the car. When I get home, I need to wiggle the brake and gas pedals, gearshift, and headlight switch in 4 groups of 16, just to make sure they're really off. To make sure the car's locked and the windows are rolled up, I must press the window buttons and car lock 16 times each. After that, I stare at the mail slot and the ground surrounding it 64 times (4 groups of 16), to make sure I didn't drop anything. Then I need to stare in at the car's shift and headlight switch again to make sure the car won't roll backwards and to make sure the battery won't run out. Then I need to pull on the doors 32 total times, in a special way, to make sure the doors are locked. This all goes like this on a lucky day. The car checks only happen on days when I use the car (at least 5 days out of the week). The slot and ground checks happen every day, even Sunday.
2) Later that night, I either have to meticulously go through the list of people who called, just to make sure nobody called to evict me from the house or tell me I owe them more money than I can afford. If I found someone of that possible nature called, I called my voicemail 16 times (32 sometimes and even 64 on bad days) to make sure that the message (if any) they left doesn't include some bad news.
3) Before I go to bed, I press down on every light switch in the house 16 times, mentally counting to 8 four times apiece. Same goes for the fridge, the stove (if I've used it that day, I usually avoid using the stove), and the lock on the back door. I check that extra-carefully, to make sure the dog or cat can't get out.
4) When I go on the computer, if I plan to go on a website that features one of my celebrity crushes, I open and close the Internet window 16 times. If I don't or one of the windows is "tainted" (meaning the window is an odd number), I feel that I'm not getting the "true" news on anything that happening with one of my guys, and they could be secretly getting married (thus taking my fantasy away).
As you can see, I'm a big thing with even numbers. I fear odd numbers (especially 13).
I used to take meds, but I can't afford them anymore. The economy in my town is terrible, and I have a little money to my name.
One of my biggest problems is the fact that I seem be having a breakthrough and then something "bad" (it doesn't matter if it's really bad or it's bad to me, it's still "bad") happens, and I feel that my irrational hunches were right all the time. Thus, my OCD comes back, usually worse.
Whew! I feel a little better! Thanks for reading, and I'd appreciate any suggestions or comments (nothing belittling or mean, please) you may have.
*Note: The whole celebrity thing is only really because I don't really have much real companionship in my life. My fiance's in boot camp right now, my sister and I have a shaky relationship, and my parents aren't really in my life.
Now, these days, it's much worse. Bob (that's what I've been coached to call my anxiety) is telling me God will punish me in some way (I'm not even very religious. I believe in God, but I don't go to church) if I don't do my tics. I never had that 4 years ago. It was just a little anxiety then. Now it's huge and affects my daily life. I can't enjoy anything, really. A couple of things that wig me every single day.
1) Checking the car. When I get home, I need to wiggle the brake and gas pedals, gearshift, and headlight switch in 4 groups of 16, just to make sure they're really off. To make sure the car's locked and the windows are rolled up, I must press the window buttons and car lock 16 times each. After that, I stare at the mail slot and the ground surrounding it 64 times (4 groups of 16), to make sure I didn't drop anything. Then I need to stare in at the car's shift and headlight switch again to make sure the car won't roll backwards and to make sure the battery won't run out. Then I need to pull on the doors 32 total times, in a special way, to make sure the doors are locked. This all goes like this on a lucky day. The car checks only happen on days when I use the car (at least 5 days out of the week). The slot and ground checks happen every day, even Sunday.
2) Later that night, I either have to meticulously go through the list of people who called, just to make sure nobody called to evict me from the house or tell me I owe them more money than I can afford. If I found someone of that possible nature called, I called my voicemail 16 times (32 sometimes and even 64 on bad days) to make sure that the message (if any) they left doesn't include some bad news.
3) Before I go to bed, I press down on every light switch in the house 16 times, mentally counting to 8 four times apiece. Same goes for the fridge, the stove (if I've used it that day, I usually avoid using the stove), and the lock on the back door. I check that extra-carefully, to make sure the dog or cat can't get out.
4) When I go on the computer, if I plan to go on a website that features one of my celebrity crushes, I open and close the Internet window 16 times. If I don't or one of the windows is "tainted" (meaning the window is an odd number), I feel that I'm not getting the "true" news on anything that happening with one of my guys, and they could be secretly getting married (thus taking my fantasy away).
As you can see, I'm a big thing with even numbers. I fear odd numbers (especially 13).
I used to take meds, but I can't afford them anymore. The economy in my town is terrible, and I have a little money to my name.
One of my biggest problems is the fact that I seem be having a breakthrough and then something "bad" (it doesn't matter if it's really bad or it's bad to me, it's still "bad") happens, and I feel that my irrational hunches were right all the time. Thus, my OCD comes back, usually worse.
Whew! I feel a little better! Thanks for reading, and I'd appreciate any suggestions or comments (nothing belittling or mean, please) you may have.
*Note: The whole celebrity thing is only really because I don't really have much real companionship in my life. My fiance's in boot camp right now, my sister and I have a shaky relationship, and my parents aren't really in my life.
