to have to change to be in a relationship?

[allieaust]

I'm so into this guy - i know just about everything about him, i have lived with him he has let me into his world, i have been intimate with him many times, yet we are not in a relationship.

This is where i come in. I havent shown him anything of value in me - infact i have shown the opposite and it really hurts.

I became upset with some of his comments and held it all in until i blurted it to a friend via email and he saw it - i dont even remember what i wrote but i was very sensitive and upset at the time because this person i really like keeps wanting to help me but it can feel like everything about me is wrong - that i have to change.. and so i wrote on a forum also..and the way i wrote stuff was in my one sided negative view at the time- it was quite bad and the others their would say things that he seemed abused etc.. it was really bad... he saw it..

and then there was when i felt really bad and sent him an email- i just didnt like hearing about other women and looks - i dont know i was too sensitive.. i'd been intimate and opened myself up to someone for once - not all the way yet but getting there.. to know he dosent see me as someone he wants to hangout with because of my sp... it hurts.

I havent developed any real areas of my life so their is a hge potential there.. but it's such a rush and i have failed already that he dosent have any hope in me ever getting better and being in society - retreating back into hermit mode etc..

i need to change, i want to show him and myself that i can be a friend - someone not so deppressing , insecure and unfriendly,..

the friend he deserves.
but i have to battle my sp.. and though the thing is - what if im too late - an there are no gaurentees either

 

[SocialRetahd]

how good looking is he on a scale of 1-10?

 

[allieaust]

thats a funny thing to ask. I will say that he is good looking in his own respect but that is not the point-

it's who he is inside. I don't deserve to even be his friend - thats my way of thinking.

 

[SocialRetahd]

guys only judge girls based on physical attractiveness. So if you are average or above, he probably won't care about your anxiety issues.

 

[Infected_Malignity]

That sucks, I'm very sorry to hear that. Often times, it seems that the 'shy' mindset is to change. But honestly, have you ever met a very shy person who accepts their shyness completely? Of course not! The acceptance of self decimates the need to feel shy.

If he personally sees you as somebody he doesn't want to hang out with, due to your SP (what kind of fucker is he to begin with?), why do you still feel the need to reverse that, or change his mind? I think part of your struggle might be due to the fact that you strongly wish for his approval, or perhaps even friendship.

Though it's hard, you might want to consider letting it go. First of all, he seems like a real dickbag (no offense). He just judged you as not good enough, so right there you can at least realize that it's not you, it's him.

Second of all, what else do you have to prove to this guy? Please do yourself a favor and don't worry about it. You're fine just the way you are. In fact, I encourage you to see it this way because it's the direct counter to shyness - absolute acceptance.

There's always room for improvement, but first just give it a try. I promise you it will help you get back on your feet, if you let it. You're never too late. OF course it's easy for me to say that, but I strongly believe it. Keep the faith... something's going to get better. Inevitably, it has to

 

[allieaust]

I must stress that he is the most wonderful and loyal friend anyone could evr meet..

it's all me and my anxiety. All i do is close up around him and not be all of me because i can't get rid of that self conciousness and it hurts.

If i could only just be actually friendly and non distant, if i could be sort of outgoing like him, if i could actually have proper conversations without him having to worry if he has hurt my feelings..

If i had stuff to ever offer him as a partner.. this is what i want.. but at the moment i am too caught up in trying to get my head into gear in being independent non hermit for the first time.. to dance with him is even hard
all he has seen of me all i have shown him is just someone miserable and deppressing, someone too insecure and self concious, someone with not much to offer..

It hurts because i have let him down again and again - he gave me a big chance and has haelped me so much giving me the freedom and kindness to try and lift me from being a hermit and actually give me encouragement and an open ear to getting my own independence, but fear took over and confusion over our relationship that i became overly sensitive and hurt him.. he has lost faith in me now although he is still a great friend we are quite distant and i am going in a few days..

it's like it's no big deal to him that i will be gone because his life is so busy.. but to me he's all i think about - i thought it was infatuation but in fact it's alot deeper because i have lived so closely to him and know everything about him..

i really want to be with him in that way- i want to show him a new me - one that isnt caught up in her miseries and one that isn't unfriendly, dosent push him away, that isnt rude and that actually has a life and able to open up and give the world to him - give hi everything i have..
and not be scared to be rejected.. i already am in a way but because of SP/SA
and insecurity. :?