Tired and.....

[pjam76]

I don't know anymore... Think I'm more depressed lately than being bothered by SA/SP.

I spoke of an interview before... Well I've had a couple... One was like the 3rd interview and lasted 2 hours.... I got done that interview at 8pm.

But the HR/recruiter guy told me they liked me, thought I was professional, thought I was friendly, thought i knew my stuff but at the end of the day since I would be a tech person dealing with sales people, I didn't open up enough..... Hey, not like i haven't heard that one before.

But the HR person told me they liked me so much they were considering me for the Tech Manager opening.... I was happy, excited.. Sounded great. Next day he went down a bit to some kind of consultant... Then the next day he didn't know how long before I'd join..

Then the next day he said he would have to find out what the salary was, what my requirements were, what the job description was and so on.
Well, it's been like 3 days and I haven't heard a thing.. I just think he was leading me on...

Well it didnt' bother me as much cause there was another interview... .A test, and then anther interview for a different company. Again, aced the first interview, aced the test, then thought I did well during the tech interview. My hopes were really high. I honestly thought i had this job. that's they way it seemed.

But today the HR lady from that company calls me and tells me that they reviewed my info and my interviews and my test and thought I was very professional... Thought I could communicate, thought I knew my stuff, thought I could do the job, thought I have the experience, but at the end of the day, they thought I didn't fit into this role that well.

So now I don't know.. I Have no interviews scheduled, no hopes of anything scheduled. I've applied and sent my resume to almost all the ones I am going to submit to..... All the internet boards, the newspapers, the companies and so on. And i have no money left.

So i'm tired of going to interviews. Tired of late late interviews. Tired of recruiters. Tired of preparing, studying, and doing everything I possible can in regards to tech skills, small talking skills, team skills, and so on. Tired of going finding all the info out about a company. Tired of getting my hopes up. Tired of being teased. Tired of everything really. Tired of updating my resume just to get looked at on every job board.. Tired of submitting to jobs.. Tired of planning on relocating. Tired of not planning on relocating. Tired of everything really. Tired of people telling me it's for the best or you didn't want that job anyway... Yeah at this point, when you have no money and aren't working, that gets old real fast.

I mean I might as well be a criminal or something.. At least it seems they get more chances than I do.

It's obvious at this point that when i go out do my best, it's obviously not good enough.

 

[pjam76]

thanks

Thanks for the comments...

But the fact is, I'm not growing... I"m a failure.

I'm 30 years old, i've been to college, i've had professional experience, i'm even married for now.....but i can't have kids... I've lost jobs because of SA... Well it's not because of it, but the fact was I don't talk to people that much so i'm considered a non-team player.

I"m not a genius and I don't make friends easily, so at the end of the day, I can't ask so and so friend if some company is hiring.

I really don't have any references.. I worked at one place for 4 years.. I have no references or even phone numbers from anybody there...

I"ve tried to improve.. I worked door to door sales, I worked in sales, I bought books, watched videos, moved to NYC when i was young, moved to the west coast, tried this and that.. I went to clubs to flirt with girls.

At the end of the day, nothing has worked.

I've always been a laid back person.. I don't let things get to me and i try to improve...But like I said, it's hard to keep a positive spin on things when I'm about a month away from living on the street.

I put pressure on myself to do well... Maybe sometimes I'm too much of a perfectionist, but that's who I am.

As far as not getting things I want, i don't remember a time in my life where I ever got anything I wanted..

My family was poor growing up but we always found ways to survive. I didn't expect anything. My father preached working hard this and that... So I played sports, I studied.. I did everything in that order.. Heck I even joined the Military.. Unfortunately I was in for about a month and was sent home because I have bad eyes... Some disease called keratoconus which means you can't be in the military.

That's why I am tired... I've tried many things, but the fact is, many times, due to nothing that I could change, I failed...

Say what you want, but at the end of the day, while others are succeeding in life, it just seems nothing ever works out for me...

Somebody told me before that, "hey if you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up..."

That's nice but I've been down that road before, I tried to improve, I've tried to invest my money, I've tried to learn, but it just doesn't work out in the end. I wish it did, but it never has...

You say if it doesn't happen, then it's basically not meant to be.... I've been telling myself that my whole life and as I've said before, it gets tiring.

I don't think that just for working hard I should receive something great. I"m just tired of working my butt off all the time and receiving absolutely nothing..... A lost job, lost love, lost house, lost career, lost whatever..


At this point, I'm just tired. Tired of everything.

 

[pjam76]

thanks again

Thanks for your comments once again.. I didn't think you were critisizing me at all....

It's just that fact that, I've been stuck in the middle of the desert before, living in my car and it looked like things were just gonna get worse... Even though it was hard to believe how they could. Well as most of my life, i sort of got out of that situation and it seemed things were at least improving.... Then on my way back to the east coast my car broke down a day latr and I was stuck again... Its always been that way for me..

I'm jewish, so believe in God in my own way.. But i am a lot less religious now then I've ever been... I just don't believe god will help me, because the fact is, God's never really been there for me before....

So as you said, don't expect anything, I don't expect much from God at all. I never expected things from God but I believed, I tried to do things the right way, I worked hard, and you know what, at the end of the day, it just wasn't worth it.

People speak about karma.. The only thing i see is somebody else screws up and I'm the one who gets screwed, not them.

I wish i might think differently, but i put my whole faith in God one time when my mother-in-law was killed a couple years back, more like murdered, but that's a different story..

My wife took it hard but i'm the one who spoke about God, told her to remember her mom, spoke to her about not forgetting but moving on.... She still is sad at times, but all that speaking and moving on seemed to be working.. It was a few months later and you know what.... On her birthday her cat ran out of the house and into the road... Two seconds later her car was run over by a car... Some God.

But that wasn't the reason I just don't put much faith in God... I've seen too many things over the years to think bad things about God... But I still believe in God, it's just the fact that I have no faith that God will ever help me out... Like I said, God's never done a damn thing for me in my life.

I wish things were differently, but they aren't....

I'm not gonna end anything, I'm not like that..

But at this point, I'm just tired of trying, tired of working hard, tired of believeing in anything, tired of trying anything, I'm just tired.

 

[styrka]

hey! you are absolutely NOT a failure. stop saying that to yourself. all the things you have tried and you have done, you have never given up even though things don't work in your way.... all the interviews you've gone to, all the preparation, studying and research that you do.... and you do all this while having SA. that makes you a very strong person. many people with SA could not even manage to survive an interview!
don't focus only on the results. don't think you're a failure because you haven't got a job. think of how strong you are. and please don't give up. I understand you're tired, I don't know why life is so shitty sometimes but don't be so hard on yourself and don't give up.
I know its a pain in the ass to look for a job, especially for SA sufferers. I hate it and dread it. but it sounds like you're a great professional and you will see that you will find a great job. I know you don't believe it but hang in there and continue trying. :lol:

 

[pjam76]

thanks for all the comments...

I appreciate all the comments. Thank you for them, but it's not just recent events that have made me feel this way.

It's a whole lifetime of things I guess....

From two failed businesses as a college student, to dropping out of a few colleges for various reasons, to losing jobs because I am quiet(not like that was ever really the reason, but it contributed to it), to not being able to have kids, to just soo many things.

Yeah i've never given up.. You fall down 10 times, you get back up every time... But there is a certain point where it's just like what's the point.

I worked at a drug rehab center once and many very successful people were patients.. Businessmen, doctors, pharmacists, nurses, accountants, lawyers, teachers, and so on and so forth. They had it all and then they fell hard..

But for the majority of the people it was always, "if i stopped doing drugs or alcohol or whatever, then things would work out..."

They'd be at the top again if they could stop. If they didn't do XYZ, if they didn't try to get XYZ, if they didn't lie because of XYZ, then they wouldn't have fallen to where they were.

The problem with me is, I don't have that crutch to fall back on... If i missed work cause I was drunk, high, or whatever then yeah, I could feel some hope that if I improve things and work my way back up, things would be fine.

Things are just the way they are with me...I've done everything I can think if to improve. Go to college, finish college, work hard, study, learn how to speak, learn how to give speeches, learn how to write, learn everything I possible can........ The problem is, unlike those people I mentioned above, I've crashed and honestly, there is nothing for me to think things will get better... Cause with me, there is no "If I did this or If I didn't do that or......

That's why I am tired.. Eventually you just accept that you are a failure, plain and simple... What else would you call it?

I haven't failed cause of drugs or alcohol. I haven't failed cause i was lazy or stupid. I haven't failed cause i continue to do dumb things over and over again. I haven't failed for whatever reason. The truth is, I've failed at everything I probably have ever done.

I played sports, every sport, when I was young.. My father made me lift weights, run, stay in shape, and he made me study... But at the end of the day it was always, "your too skinny, too small, not good enough."

Then as I got older things really never changed.. I was the quiet one. I was the one who rarely dated.

At this point in time, I'm just tired of being the one who works the hardest but still winds up living on the street.

 

[pjam76]

who knows

I've always had tons of hobbies, but i always try to be the best at it....

But as far as career, the fact is, my funds are low and i need the money.. Bills are due, mortgage is due, property taxes are due, insurance is due and so on and so forth.. I have a few bucks here and there to pay, but it's gonna end soon...

I haven't worked since the end of June. That wouldn't be that bad except for the fact that when I was laid off in 2004, it took me like 12 months to find another job that paid the bills. I learned things, did things, moved away, but the fact is, my savings were depleted then and it's not like i ever was some wealthy person..

So at this point, I need to get a job in my field to pay the bills, otherwise, i will be on the street... And at this point, I don't even have any hopes of interviews, yet alone an interview.. And in the IT world, it sometimes takes a month to land the job after the initial interviews.

SO without interviews that just makes matters worse.

 

[HughJass]

I know how hard it can be trying to maintain a carreer. Have you ever thought of taking a little time off looking for a job in your chosen field and do something completely different? Even if it doesn't earn much?

I'm in IT and earn pretty well and have become quite accomplished in my profession - but a few years ago I took a whole year off and became a motorbike courier, because I was so tired of the rat race and loved bikes. It was great fun, and after a year, while still working I had the time and energy to get back into my profession.

It was honestly better than a holiday.

 

[babel]

Hello pjam76,
I know your pain only to well....the frustration of trying everything you possibly can, just to find the same old events repeating themselves, events that you do not and cannot control...

Yeah...I know that feeling only too well. I too lost my faith in God some years back. I could not understand why having lived my life the way a God-loving person should that he would allow me to be humiliated in front of people who did not even care hurting others etc etc. I began to hate him so much I almost threw away by bible. But I didn't.

Do I have answers now?...No, not really! But my faith is back. Don't ask me why...somehow I just figured it was not enough to TRY HARDER and HARDER, but to TRY WELL. I know this would probably not make much sense to you.

Everyones situation is different. But things do change, I promise you that. Even if they appear never to change they do. Please don't stop trying. I have been trying ever since I found out I had SA some number years back and I haven't stopped since then.

(((hugs))) Take care

 

[styrka]

I understand how difficult life must be for you right now. I guess its close to impossible to keep a mental health when you have money problems. you must be superstressed. but you're making it worse by blaming and being so hard on yourself. give yourself credit for not giving up, for being strong and for surviving despite all the hardships you have had.
I wish you the very best. I can only help you with moral support, positive energy and good thoughts. be strong and hang in there!!

 

[pjam76]

Thanks for the support

Thanks for all the comments and support, but the sad fact is nothing has changed.

I had one job that looked like it had potential, but it was more of a runaround than anything actually. I probably spoke about it before.

yeah I'm resilient I guess. I've studied some more, started learning some more, but it's hard for me to keep reading and learning when in my mind it just doesn't feel like anything good will come out of it.

No interviews are scheduled, bill collectors keep calling and by Oct. 31 if I don't come up with 3500 bucks, i'm out on the street.

I don't have a rich uncle, rich parent, rich friend who can loan me money. My credit is terrible because as I've said before, I had a failed business that cost me lots and lots of money and credit card bills. it didn' t end nicely. I started to come out of all that and begain building my credit back up, then the bottom fell out again...So taking out a loan isn't gonna happen.

So unless a job comes up that pays well, I really don't see any hope.

I did take almost a year off from IT. I was burned out from working 100 hour work weeks and getting paid for only 40 hours since it was salary and no OT.

So after I was laid off after doing all that, I joined the Army at 28 years old. My father was a marine, my uncle was in the army, my other uncle was in the army/airforce/and navy over his life, my grandfather(whom i neer met cause he died in 1959) was in WW1 and WW2.

So it was for many reasons, including patriotism, a challenge, adventure, and many other reasons.

Well that didn't work out. Bad eyes..Keratoconus.... tried to find a way to stay in, spoke to various people, but the doctor told me, "the military isn't for you."

So even though after a few days I was done, i was in the Amry for a month.. It's the way the Army does things.. Hurry up and wait as they say.

Came out and had no money, no job, and honestly, no confidence at all. I got a job in another field, paying a little above minimum wage for awhile, but they told me I needed to speak more, be more assertive, so on and so forth.. I tried all those things, thought I was doing those things, but it wasn't good enough.. So for 9 bucks an hour, it wasn't worth it.

Studied some more, learned a few new computer languages, then finally a few months later, got a contract IT job.

But a few months later, "not assertive enough", "you've been here 5 months and we've never even had a conversation" so on and so forth.

At this point, I'm out of ideas, almost out of time, and as I said, no interview scheduled, no phone calls, emails, or anything.