The SA blog of Zarrix

[Zarrix]

Hello, I have created a blog, which expresses my thoughts on this debilitation.

http://sa-nexus.blogspot.com

Todays blog Entry
Sensationalism

Today hasn't been a great day. I said something which may get me in some shit. It wasn't resent, I had to say it, or I would of missed an appointment. Tomorrow I may not have my job. A worker went AWOL, infact several of them. Thats my fault too. Don't expect them to appear tomorrow, they hate me, they want to stay as far from me as possible, a complete tool.

It wasn't a great day.I answered a phonecall, reluctantly, because no one else would answer the FUCKING phone. I picked up and messed up so badly. I couldn't hear a thing, the reception was dodgier than a back alley salesman. But I fucking messed up, and messed up bad. It was big boss, big boss shouldn't show mercy, all gamers know that.

Tomorrows another day, however, but many constants stream across. Anxiety will once again rear its head, and devour my mind, and chew it into greatest oblivion. If that isn't sensationalism, I don't know what is.

 

[Zarrix]

Thursday, March 6, 2008
The Wall

Previously, I have discussed the emotional side of Social Anxiety. Now I'm going to go into a little more detail on something I call the wall.

The Wall prevents me and any Social Phobics from executing the task they intend to the fullest. Excuse the crappy ASCII art.


B--------->W

=No physical action.





The B is the brain, the arrows are the command or the energy. The wall is a strong bastard, doesn't budge easily. In this case, the energy is useless and I don't do what I want to do at all.

This could happen when I try and say hello to a stranger, or want to go in a certain area
but cant because of Anxiety potential.



However, I may need to conjure more energy to get through the wall. In that case, this happens


B==========>W----------->S



The double line indicates more energy. The W is the wall, which is pierced, but the output at the end isn't anywhere near as powerful as what I inputted. For example, I may want to say hello to a person I sort of know. I inspire energy to say it, but I need a lot just to get through the wall.
So much of the energy is spent destroying the wall, that there is hard left by the end of the tunnel.

Therefore my hello will be very mumbled or whispered.


Thats what is like. That wall doesn't let through much, the challenge is to destroy the bastard for good. Non Social Phobics will say you could just kick it down, but its more like destroying the great wall of China, piece by piece.

 

[SilentType]

That second post is an absolutely brilliant description of this illness. Nice! I feel the same fucking way, I just haven't been able to explain it like that!

Peace

 

[thaili]

reply

yo man THE WALL descriptn is just cool .same problems here....at least u can write well.....god bless...

 

[Zarrix]

A Mass Exodus

In the next fortnight, many people are going to leave. In the next fortnight, I might leave too. In the next fortnight, the magician might leave, or I might leave her. There will be no anxiety anymore, no more mind-altering tricks, but that was some powerful telekinesis. Want me to act like a brain-dead moron? Just stare, the anxiety will do the rest. I don't like being like this, I hate it, but there is something addictive about indulging in the delight of been in the radius one more time.

Alas on Tuesday, I may begin my search for a new job. Heading into a new one will be an absolute killer for me, if I can get in the door that is. For a Social Phobic like me I don't know where to go. Customer Service is out of the question. I don't want to go to another fast food place. So my head is in a thousand thoughts, stay, go, and where?

Maybe the only way to fight this is to fight fire with fire. I don't agree with the theory, but the more you are exposed, the more you get used to it, right? A chronic fear isn't something that takes a week to snap out of, those automatic reactions may never go away without help, or may take the salvaging of a ship of confidence. For the anxious, the ship is very leaky, one negative interpretation and it all goes back to sea.

Life is full of such indecision. From the split seconds, which are the difference between being the hero and being slapped in the face, to the daunting life ones, which are inevitable for all living. The social factor is immense, like the trump card in any play. You set your mind on something, but its head rears, and your hand is significantly weaker. Social security is never wrong for a social phobic, and it is something that we are too paranoid about.

We all try and consolidate our positions. Thinking we have it good enough as it now. The "quit while you are ahead" analogy. But we don't have any position in society, or one that is at the bottom of the barrel. We know we can't get much worse in that regard, yet we think we can dig ourselves a hole to the core of the earth. We can't go kamikaze around others, we just shut the hell up and hope something happens. We hope the boss comes up and gives us the promotion we wanted, but could never ask. We hope the girl comes up and asks us for a date, instead of taking the steps yourself. In either case, our social position is too 'strong' to risk it, so nothing will eventuate anyway.

Kinda nasty like that it is.

 

[Zarrix]

Madness and Magic.

Was there a mage in the building? Or was the necromancer inside me? Sometimes at work I go mad inside. I feel frozen, yet I cannot control my self. The mage controls me, from the inside and the out. The Wall is pierced by the dark magic of madness. This happens, I don't know what I am doing half of the time, it plays like the defense against the almighty judgement.

It still could be in the building for all we know. Whatever, it makes the brain a chaotic and useless tool. It may laugh, or the gremlins inside may laugh in my stomach. The queasiness is there, but it doesn't wanna come out. When this few seconds of anxiety finally reaches the conclusion, you ponder, what the hell happened and what is doing this?

I burnt myself I did, my arm is worse off for it. Like the scar of a never ending battle against the greater behemoth. You go on, but the stares are terrifying, wait a minute, the stares...

Yep, that girl has sure got some magic, the dark wizard inside me however assures I cannot seize control. Five days of wait to resume this battle, I feel anxious, about today, monday, but also to get back to the magic battlefield, to try and seize the day one more time. Every passing day could be the last, I always remember that.



The above battle is one of the toughest I have ever thought with social anxiety. It genuinely feels like magic, the anxiety and judgements just turn your mind into chaos. The will is there, the output isn't, thats one of the biggest characteristics of social anxiety. This time, the output is there, but it is so confused, that all hope is seemingly lost around you.

 

[Zarrix]

Claws of the social behemoth.

This is the blog of Zarrix. I intend to share my thoughts here, on varying topics, I need a place where I can express, as I find it hard to express my thoughts and emotions in the real world.

You can't crack a joke to save your life, The horrors of people staring at you, you do something awful because your sub-conscious switches from the task at hand to the judgements of people around you. Someone's doing something wrong, but its not right to tell them that, because they will hate you. You can't talk to that pretty girl, your body just freezes, or begins to make awkward movements.

Some days can be okay, things will simply happen, other days you can't wait until the midnight moon. You want something positive to happen to you socially because you can't make something positive happen. You try to impress certain 'superiors' but you end up looking like a complete idiot. You always say the wrong thing, you can't conjure any emotion to random conversation.

Saying hello to someone uses up so much energy, it costs a gale for a breeze, it can't be heard. Saying thankyou is pure hell, because you think they won't take it on board, a task complete for you isn't worthy of a thanks. You try and figure out everything yourself, help is the last thing you seek, it makes you look like an inferior.

You avoid all potential catastrophes you can, interaction is like a mine in a field that will inevitably blow up in your face. You're afraid of your fear, this fear makes you look even more horrendous.

The thoughts that go through your head use enough energy to power a metropolis. It only consists of "How am I being judged?" "How did that last social situation go". You analyze it, going over every gritty detail, looking for a negative aspect. Find one, and it occupies your mind for the entire day. Obsessions are the order of the day. Ambitions which are met with such optimism when alone dwindle to vile pessimism when D-day comes.

Salvation, you must salvage an hour, something might happen today. You go to work way too early just to try and meet these goals, which are like candy dangling from a rope above you, slowly lifting as your reach gets taller. The ambition is there, the execution is not, the brain blocks every potential danger from ever occuring, but is it the blockage causing more harm. I know this is the case, but I cannot believe that.

Nothing is easy for me once you leave the oasis which is your own home. The world and its inhabitants are hostile, seeing you as a creature with no use in the network. This blog isn't my true thoughts, the dictator in my mind has censored a lot of material, to prevent further humility. This is my world, I live it everyday, unable to charge away from the claws of the behemothic social beast which seems like an insect to everyone else. Welcome to the world of Social Anxiety.

Very first entry I did BTW.

 

[Zarrix]

The Paralysis of Pessimism

Thats it, am I over salvations, the last thing keeping me at work besides the pull of a new car and computer? Today, It would seem so, but I wasn't feeling well. It was made worse because I knew they were judging me, I was going at snails pace today, and based on some of the mistakes I made, they thought I was a moron.

I don't know whether I return tomorrow morning, depends if I feel well enough. The harsh psychological criticisms still scare me.

At the moment, I am paranoid as hell about health problems. I seem to go through this phase once a year, and it, paired with Social Anxiety, is living darkness. Is this justified, I check my body obsessively trying to find new problems, trying to dispel others.

Inpending doom seems just around the corner, not 50 fields away. It is an illusion caused by the anxiety and raw pessimism. The philosophy its gotta happen sooner or later can be applied here to its greatest extent. I have nothing that makes me happy in the long term, only short bursts of brilliance. Like when you actually say a strong hello, or you socialise without a negative attribute detected afterwards. Such cookies are prehaps the only happiness you ever get for a socially anxious pessimist. For every chocolate cookie, there are 5 vile demons waiting to strike, pending your next moronic move.

Still you get up everyday, you try and salvage the coins from the shipwreck. That is true salvation, not the absurdly fanatic antics which I have, in my opinion, stupidly indulged deep inside in the past.

 

[Zarrix]

Hmm I only do the very occasional blog entry nowdays. So many other things to do, and so many times where you just don't feel very creative. Hopefully I will be writing a bit more in the future though =)

Address has changed to
http://sa-nexus.blogspot.com

See you there.

 

[JustAnotherDay]

Your mind is extremely complex!.. Everything you said is the same shit i feel every day. If i wasn't cursed with this SA life would acually be great. It seems like i had all of these plans since high school, but i find myself trying tokill the pain with anything i can find. Im to the point where im running low on gas, and about to give up. Every problem im facing is because this underlying, nagging, self destructive social anxiety.. Im losing hope more and more, and im only 20. All my friends are in college, living normal lives, and i can't keep a job to save my life. I know i would do amazing in college, but i cant sit through a class without getting to the point where i feel this secluded and helpless feeling and it kills my drive. I would love to chat aboutsomething positive, but whats the point? I live through hell, and im not one to sugar cote it. .

 

[bleach]

Hey! I like your blog!