The One Question I Cannot Find an Answer To

[ljwwriter]

And that's "What is there to look forward to?" Personally I don't see anything in the near or distant future. People always proclaim that life is worth living , though I've seen little proof for anyone who isn't already enjoying their existence in some way. But for those of us with this unshakable, crippling anxiety what exactly can we expect? A miracle? For our anxieties to finally mellow out to the point where we can function and not feel socially aloof in any and all situations? I've let people paint such a pretty picture for me many times before, but I no longer deny just how distorted it all is.

The last two years of my life have slipped by in a miserable haze, the true anguish of it all lost on everyone in my life but me. Certainly it's my own fault. I place the blame on no one else's shoulders. I dare not unless I want the predictable wagging finger of shame in my face telling me to just get over myself and live.
We're all familiar with that damnable finger, aren't we? Condescending and patronizing and usually part of a male's hand. In my life the finger belongs to my Dad who plans to throw me out of the house at the end of the month because I can't get a job. I can't say I blame him. His frustrations with his hermit of a son have been mounting for years now and living together has become a strain on both of us. We live in the same house but I barely see him more than once a week. He thinks I'm so ill that I need to be put in some sort of group home so that I can somehow learn to become a functioning member of society. I'm not entirely certain such a place exist for social phobics, but even if there did I wouldn't go.

Every day is the same thing. Anxiety, loneliness, sadness, worthlessness, confusion, emptiness, awkwardness, and fear. I no longer have a life and there's no longer anything I want out of it. Desire is dead.
But for some reason I keep hearing people say that it'll all be worth it someday. Someday you'll be an entirely different person, a happy person. If you put the work in you'll eventually strike gold. Pleasant comforts but I don't believe a word of it any more.

What is there to look forward to? More false hope I guess. But come the end of April I'm through asking myself that question. I will peacefully go the way of all my desires and never again have to hinge my future on false hopes. It's taken me some time to admit it to myself but honestly the only thing I have ever looked forward to in life is the end of it.

 

[Cool_Un_Cool]

I am pessimistic too.
I don't see any future for myself, I have no friends at all and only a handful in my life, no girl has ever been interested in me and never will be, I can't maintain gainful employement. On top of that I'm a cripple, so there literally is no future for myself. I just distract myself with the internet, music, and sleeping. I am nothing but a bundle of nerves, all the time. I'm ravaged by phobias and insecurities, and constantly reminded of my weakness by my family.

 

[ljwwriter]

I am pessimistic too.
I don't see any future for myself, I have no friends at all and only a handful in my life, no girl has ever been interested in me and never will be, I can't maintain gainful employement. On top of that I'm a cripple, so there literally is no future for myself. I just distract myself with the internet, music, and sleeping. I am nothing but a bundle of nerves, all the time. I'm ravaged by phobias and insecurities, and constantly reminded of my weakness by my family.

I distract myself in the same ways. I'm not sure what I'd do without the internet.

 

[slimjim119]

One of the toughest posts for me to read so far. Don't make any rash decisions. I know your in pain. Everyone is hurting in some way on here. Nothing I can say will make you feel better, but people do care. You need to talk to a professional and seek help. Confide in a family member or friend. If you talked to your father about how your feeling, I'm sure he will listen. Imagine how he will feel if you are no longer around.

 

[Cool_Un_Cool]

Just to give you perspective:

I know you're depressed, but you probably have more than me to look forward to. Like I said, and this is no exaggeration, I have absolutely nothing. I have no useful abilities, humiliating disabilities, and constant anxiety over everything, possibly mental illness. I don't have a job, friends or any girlfriends. Since I was young I have had surgery after surgery, and been in and out of the hospital. I know physical and emotional pain well. So, you're not the only one who has these thoughts.

 

[Plissken]

That was very well-written and managed to echo my thoughts exactly, though much more fluently than I could have ever put it. Personally for me, the only thing that keeps me going is the fact that there is a video game coming out in a few months I've been looking forward to for years. I can't think of anything else though. Maybe by the time it comes out, I'll have found another reason to continue. I don't know though, because everything looks so bleak beyond it.

I don't know what to say besides the fact that I empathize with you completely. You've given me some comfort in that respect. I hope everything ends up working out for you.

 

[Cool_Un_Cool]

I'm looking forward to the IronMan movie, and GTA IV.

 

[ljwwriter]

I deeply appreciate everyone's thoughtful feedback. It does all really mean a lot to me. I'm glad I have Social Phobia World to come to. If nothing else it certainly does remind me that I'm not alone in my experiences, even though every time I walk out of the door into the real world it seems as if I am. Thank you.

 

[bleach]

Every day is the same thing. Anxiety, loneliness, sadness, worthlessness, confusion, emptiness, awkwardness, and fear. I no longer have a life and there's no longer anything I want out of it. Desire is dead.
But for some reason I keep hearing people say that it'll all be worth it someday. Someday you'll be an entirely different person, a happy person. If you put the work in you'll eventually strike gold. Pleasant comforts but I don't believe a word of it any more.

I struggle with these thoughts every day. I'm still not sure why I hold on, really. I go through the motions of trying to improve myself but without expecting a good outcome. Intellectually I know that life could get better, but do I care enough to make it happen?... I'm not sure.

I'm at a point where it would take an enormous amount of effort just to reap the smallest of returns. Is it worth it?

 

[sketchy24]

I can completely relate to you. My dad was the same way. Music, internet, and sleep were/are my distractions. That was better put then I could have ever have hoped to explain it though. And as much as I want to say something to help or be able to help somehow, I really can't cause I'm in the same boat. But it seems so much more sad when someone else says it. I don't really care about myself but it hurts reading other peoples posts cause for some reason I don't want them to give up. Kind of hypocritical but its different when its not me.

 

[krs2snow]

it seems so much more sad when someone else says it. I don't really care about myself but it hurts reading other peoples posts cause for some reason I don't want them to give up.

I Agree. I wonder why that is?

 

[Lost_Guy]

I just had to say -- this is one of the most amazingly well-written posts I've ever seen in my life. Random House Publishing should be on their knees begging for you to write something for them!

I don't mean to sensationalize it, 'cause I know that that feeling is not pleasant. A few weeks back, I sat and talked to my video camera for almost a half hour explaining why I had no reason to live, other than the possibility that eventually I might find a way to prove that very "fact".

Anyways, keep writing!

 

[Scoutabout]

I understand where you are coming from because I have felt and thought exactly like you. I still struggle with depression, anxiety disorders and phobias. I was hit with a triple-whammy. Furthermore, these mental conditions run rampant on my father's side of the family and also include relatives who have struggled with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.
One thing that might help you is to try thinking "outside the box". I say this because I had reached the end of trying to make my dreams in life come true. For example, I spent five years and thousands of dollars getting a degree in education while raising two small children (and battling the mental problems described above). My faulty reasoning at the time was that if I managed to maintain straight A's that the school district I lived in would simply have to hire me. How could they turn down a straight A student? I also passed the NTE (National Teachers Examination) with very high scores, including a 100% in the professional knowledge area. I received my teacher's certificate (good for seven years) and began applying. Much to my dismay, my "real" education had begun, and it was a depressing one. I found out it was not what you know, but who you know, and the education system tends, no, IS, very political. After two years of applying and not even getting an interview, a chance came up for an internship and I applied for it. I would have been working with the teacher I student taught under. I figured I was a shoe-in. No such chance. Later I was told that the word from the top (administration) was "hire a man for the position". I also learned that he was a C student, and that he was not even done student teaching! But he knew someone, and that was all that mattered. Needless to say, after two years and losing this internship to some dimwad, I became very disillusioned with the "system" and to this day, I do not have anything to do with schools if I can help it. Once my teaching career had been "trashed", I looked around to find what other jobs were available. I found I could choose from a depressing list of low-level service type jobs in our area. I took a couple of these jobs and quickly quit them. They were unchallenging and demeaning, in the sense that people assume you have a lower level of intelligence because you're working in one of those jobs. It was at this time, when I was at the end of my rope, that I began to questions things. The same school system that had educated me and then rejected me I began to realize had also indoctirnated me with foolish ideas. One of these ideas was that I "would work for someone else" during my lifetime. It was just assumed that was what was in store for my life, and I thought, why? Why could I not work for myself? But that was never talked about in school, or if it was, the answer was that you "had to have money to make money, or to start a business". I began to investigate that falsehood as well, and realized that there are many businesses out there that you can start on a shoestring. If fact, there are so many it is difficult to choose what to do! In order to narrow it down, I began to think of what talents and strengths I have. I do not want to go into it here, because I want to keep my anonymity. Suffice it to say that I had talents and abilities that many people have, but the difference is that I woke up and decided that I should be the one to make money off my talents, not someone else. Have you ever thought about how crazy our society really is? We think we're crazy in these forums! How crazy is it to attend school for five years, working your butt off, only to have someone interview you for fifteen minutes, deciding they know all about you, who you are, how intelligent you are, whether or not you'd make a good employee? Now that's crazy! And the school system has failed in this respect. Look how many people they've hired who turn out to be pedophiles or just plain bad teachers! Anyway, I digress. My point is, I began to see just how much potential there was for my life and my dreams to expand, not shrink away like so many people have been indoctrinated to believe. So you fail at one dream, due to faults on your part or due to things beyond your control. You go find another dream! There are many of them out there! Think outside the box and you will find many more answers than you ever received in school! The ability to think creatively and live creatively is within you! Now go forward and continue the battle!

 

[Scoutabout]

I want to add that I in no way meant to demean people who work in the service industry or imply that they are not intelligent. If anyone out there took it that way, I apologize. In fact, my brother has worked in the service sector as a janitor for most of his life, and I respect him more than most people I know. He is a good, intelligent person who has had many hard knocks in life, but he has never been a quitter. He just keeps plugging away, and partly because of his example I keep plugging away, too. I care about others and really want to encourage people to keep on with the struggles in this life. Do not give in to defeat.

 

[krs2snow]

^^Great post! I hate 'politics'! Good good good! for you for moving on with your life and seeing that there was more out there for you than just the crappy system.

 

[ljwwriter]

I just had to say -- this is one of the most amazingly well-written posts I've ever seen in my life. Random House Publishing should be on their knees begging for you to write something for them!

I don't mean to sensationalize it, 'cause I know that that feeling is not pleasant. A few weeks back, I sat and talked to my video camera for almost a half hour explaining why I had no reason to live, other than the possibility that eventually I might find a way to prove that very "fact".

Anyways, keep writing!

Lol, if black people could blush I would. But alas all we can do is sweat profusely in the face of judgment, be it complimentary or critical. Anyway, I'm glad my writing doesn't completely suck because the one goal I've ever had in my life is to become a professional writer. I've hinged my livelihood upon that since my age was in the single digits. Of course, social anxiety damn near killed even that at one point. But some flicker of that passion is still there deep down somewhere. I hope everyone here has some kind of passion deep down in them that has been entirely snuffed out by this soul draining affliction.

 

[ljwwriter]

I understand where you are coming from because I have felt and thought exactly like you. I still struggle with depression, anxiety disorders and phobias. I was hit with a triple-whammy. Furthermore, these mental conditions run rampant on my father's side of the family and also include relatives who have struggled with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.
One thing that might help you is to try thinking "outside the box". I say this because I had reached the end of trying to make my dreams in life come true. For example, I spent five years and thousands of dollars getting a degree in education while raising two small children (and battling the mental problems described above). My faulty reasoning at the time was that if I managed to maintain straight A's that the school district I lived in would simply have to hire me. How could they turn down a straight A student? I also passed the NTE (National Teachers Examination) with very high scores, including a 100% in the professional knowledge area. I received my teacher's certificate (good for seven years) and began applying. Much to my dismay, my "real" education had begun, and it was a depressing one. I found out it was not what you know, but who you know, and the education system tends, no, IS, very political. After two years of applying and not even getting an interview, a chance came up for an internship and I applied for it. I would have been working with the teacher I student taught under. I figured I was a shoe-in. No such chance. Later I was told that the word from the top (administration) was "hire a man for the position". I also learned that he was a C student, and that he was not even done student teaching! But he knew someone, and that was all that mattered. Needless to say, after two years and losing this internship to some dimwad, I became very disillusioned with the "system" and to this day, I do not have anything to do with schools if I can help it. Once my teaching career had been "trashed", I looked around to find what other jobs were available. I found I could choose from a depressing list of low-level service type jobs in our area. I took a couple of these jobs and quickly quit them. They were unchallenging and demeaning, in the sense that people assume you have a lower level of intelligence because you're working in one of those jobs. It was at this time, when I was at the end of my rope, that I began to questions things. The same school system that had educated me and then rejected me I began to realize had also indoctirnated me with foolish ideas. One of these ideas was that I "would work for someone else" during my lifetime. It was just assumed that was what was in store for my life, and I thought, why? Why could I not work for myself? But that was never talked about in school, or if it was, the answer was that you "had to have money to make money, or to start a business". I began to investigate that falsehood as well, and realized that there are many businesses out there that you can start on a shoestring. If fact, there are so many it is difficult to choose what to do! In order to narrow it down, I began to think of what talents and strengths I have. I do not want to go into it here, because I want to keep my anonymity. Suffice it to say that I had talents and abilities that many people have, but the difference is that I woke up and decided that I should be the one to make money off my talents, not someone else. Have you ever thought about how crazy our society really is? We think we're crazy in these forums! How crazy is it to attend school for five years, working your butt off, only to have someone interview you for fifteen minutes, deciding they know all about you, who you are, how intelligent you are, whether or not you'd make a good employee? Now that's crazy! And the school system has failed in this respect. Look how many people they've hired who turn out to be pedophiles or just plain bad teachers! Anyway, I digress. My point is, I began to see just how much potential there was for my life and my dreams to expand, not shrink away like so many people have been indoctrinated to believe. So you fail at one dream, due to faults on your part or due to things beyond your control. You go find another dream! There are many of them out there! Think outside the box and you will find many more answers than you ever received in school! The ability to think creatively and live creatively is within you! Now go forward and continue the battle!

Thank you very much for sharing your story. It's certainly one I've benefited from reading.