Terrifying OCD!!!!

[theicing554]

Gosh. Where do I begin. I wont go into full detail about my story unless someone inquires, but basically through out the past few years I feel like by doing rituals, I can see what will happen in the future. And if my ritual tells me something I dont like, I will do another ritual in order to change the potential future. Two weeks ago, my friend told me she had a dream of my funeral. That went from fear, to waking my OCD back up. Starting rituals that took up literally every second of my day saying that if I didnt do this twice like drive on the on ramp twice, that I would pass away soon. Even if I'm already late, I'll go back and do it in fear that I really will pass away. Two seconds later, something else will pop up. And they are things that are hard to do twice. In fact as I type I feel like I need to go on this on ramp that I only went on once today within an hour, or surely I will suffer the consequences or it means or is a sign that something bad will occur. Since my rituals havent gone smoothly the past two weeks, I fear that these are all bad signs that I will pass away very soon. Maybe that's because what I'm obsessing about is so scary. HOw can I risk NOT doing my OCD? I lost my job over it today. Im exhausted. I have an appt with a psychiatrist for the first time tomorrow...I need a miracle. Im so scared man.

 

[obsessive]

Firstly i can understand your fear. OCD can be frightening because the thoughts are so distressing and they cause intense anxiety which then makes the flight/fight response kick in. It sounds to me that you are obsessing about death. This is a common OCD trait.

 

[Rinn]

First thing, great step in seeking help from a medical doctor. You should not have to suffer from this. No one should.

Secondly, you're not alone. I've had thoughts about how I'll die, get raped, catch an incurable disease, get kidnapped. You name it, I thought of it. These thoughts are not infrequent either; my mind would be racing with them 24 hours, 7 days a week, months on end AND THEN, the rituals (or compulsions) kick in. For example, in order to "neutralize" these thoughts or "to make sure they don't come true", I once scrubbed the floor of my bathroom with cleaning powder for a good 10 minutes. BUT, the thoughts kept coming, so I would scrub for another 10 minutes. AND THEN, the thoughts are still there, so I kept scrubbing. 10 minutes became more than an hour, followed by a brief interval of sleep (I stopped out of exhaustion) and then repeated the cleaning the NEXT DAY for another 20 minutes or so.

At the end, my hands were raw and red; excessively dry and peeling, but at the time, I didn't care. I was too scared to stop cleaning because the thoughts might come true. Looking back at it now, it was illogical. At that time (in that moment), the thoughts caused me such horrific distress that all I could think about was how to stop them from coming true.

Because of the frequency of these thoughts, I came to the conclusion that I couldn't prevent them from coming. So, I stopped the rituals. When the thoughts came, they came. I didn't dwell on them; I didn't initiate a ritual. There is some part of me that held onto reason, knowing that these thoughts are not real and that they are just that -- thoughts. They can't hurt. If I keep trying to "prevent" or block them; they come back with full force. I learned to "let them come and then, let them go" (and believe me, that process was gradual). But after awhile, they weren't so terrifying, they became less frequent, and I became less anxious.

I also learn from talking with friends that many of them have scary thoughts about dying, etc. Unlike me, they don't dwell on them.

I still have OCD, but for the most part, I am learning to control it. I have good days; I have bad days. But ever since I found I had this condition, I chose to not let it take control of my life. It helps to talk about it with other people who suffer from OCD too. It helps to know you're not alone in your suffering.

 

[theicing554]

Today I

I'm still obsessing. And now I'm torn. I've always had a little bit of OCD, but the outcomes of not doing the rituals to see my potential future were never scary, like will I get this job or will I end up dating this person? Now it's about my own death. Usually in the past my rituals would go smoothly. If I did this twice or three times, it would tell me the outcome of a future situation. However now, it seems like none of my rituals are going smoothly, I go to lift my foot before a certain part of a song comes on and I stumble, or I vowed that since I worked four days last week, that I needed to work four days this week to even everything up. Well since I was let go yesterday, I was only able to work 2 days this week which means that I didn't pass my ritual. Something bad is going to happen. Bad meaning my demise. My moms friend drove me to get coffee a couple of days ago and we accidentally drove into a court in a neighborhood. After she dropped me off I told myself that she needed to drive me back into the court in order to un do the harm that was inevitably going to come my way. Since she wont drive back down there, and my OCD told me that I only have three more days to complete my ritual of her driving me in the culdesack or that would make my "deadline" sooner. So for the past few days I've had to think up of rituals that literally take up every SECOND of my day to make up for those two HUGE signs from my OCD. Am I rambling? I was bawling my eyes out at the psychiatrists. I told imt hat I had to walk in and out of his office twice in order to please my OCD. I had to walk up and down the stairs twice. Its exhausting, dibilitating. He prescribed me Prozac and something else to take the edge off. But now I'm even more scared. I am three months pregnant. The only thing, I reasoned with myself, that's getting me through this is my baby inside me. I feel like if I did for some reason pass away soon, I would at least have my baby with me. I wouldn't be alone. So I'm striving to keep my baby alive incase something bad does happen. But what are the risks of these meds? Is MY well being and the fact that I can barely make it through each day superior to my babys health? My mind is tired, it's sick and tryin to find ways tokeep me scared. I'm scared. Knock on wood.

 

[obsessive]

Yep OCD is defnitely terrifying its horrible and the anxiety that comes with it is absalutely shocking. Its the anxiety that propels it so much. Do you have someone you can spend time with during the day? I notice this helps preoccupy my mind and slows my obsessive thoughts down. You have a baby on the way, no ones going to harm that baby (easy for me to say) but the stress that comes with OCD wouldn't be good for you and your baby. Have you been using any cognitive type therapy?

 

[theicing554]

Enough is enough

I've had enough. Is it possible to stop my OCD cold turkey? I am now stuck in a mind trap that's asking, can by doing a ritual and asking my OCD a question about my future, it tell me through the success of my ritual if that occurance will happen or not? Or if by doing my rituals, that's keeping me safe? Maybe both. My rituals are so confusing and my brain is so tired, but I feel the need to keep doing them. Only now, I'm terrified that by stopping, something bad will happen. My OCD got to the point where I got into bed, had to get out and get back in...rest my head on the pillow, lift my head, and rest it back down. Choosing a piece of salmon from the plate took several minutes, would choosing this one be a sign that something bad was going to happen? I am sitting here on the computer with an ice cream bar in front of me...I had to get that from the refrigerator and bring it up stairs, but if I only do that once, that means something bad will happen. If I watch a TV show that can be rewound, and someone says a certain part of a movie that sticks in my head, I have to rewind it to re watch that part, so its twice. It's not asking my OCD for answers that's going to be the tricky part. I'll step on a rug once and get this thought in my head, Am I going to pass away soon? By stepping on that rug once, it means yes, so I have to step on it again. Does stepping on it again keep me from harm, or did OCD, something I've come to know as my little psychic answering my question. And now that will leave me anxious and terrified, until I can do another routine to show that that wasn't true. It's so confusing, and time consuming...I'm afraid to even go out and get gas and leave my house, because if I ask myself a question a bout the near future and the question lands while I'm there, I'll have to go back to the gas station to make sure it doesnt come true. Can I do this cold turkey? Can I do this cold turkey?

 

[theicing554]

Enough is enough

I've had enough. Is it possible to stop my OCD cold turkey? I am now stuck in a mind trap that's asking, can by doing a ritual and asking my OCD a question about my future, it tell me through the success of my ritual if that occurance will happen or not? Or if by doing my rituals, that's keeping me safe? Maybe both. My rituals are so confusing and my brain is so tired, but I feel the need to keep doing them. Only now, I'm terrified that by stopping, something bad will happen. My OCD got to the point where I got into bed, had to get out and get back in...rest my head on the pillow, lift my head, and rest it back down. Choosing a piece of salmon from the plate took several minutes, would choosing this one be a sign that something bad was going to happen? I am sitting here on the computer with an ice cream bar in front of me...I had to get that from the refrigerator and bring it up stairs, but if I only do that once, that means something bad will happen. If I watch a TV show that can be rewound, and someone says a certain part of a movie that sticks in my head, I have to rewind it to re watch that part, so its twice. It's not asking my OCD for answers that's going to be the tricky part. I'll step on a rug once and get this thought in my head, Am I going to pass away soon? By stepping on that rug once, it means yes, so I have to step on it again. Does stepping on it again keep me from harm, or did OCD, something I've come to know as my little psychic answering my question. And now that will leave me anxious and terrified, until I can do another routine to show that that wasn't true. It's so confusing, and time consuming...I'm afraid to even go out and get gas and leave my house, because if I ask myself a question a bout the near future and the question lands while I'm there, I'll have to go back to the gas station to make sure it doesnt come true. Can I do this cold turkey? Can I do this cold turkey?

 

[Katherine]

you can risk not doing it by realizing that other people dont do the same rituals you do and know that if they dont do the rituals you do that they wont suffer the consequences.

 

[obsessive]

I think we all wish we could stop it cold turkey but unfortunatley thats not how the mind works. It takes alot of time and effort for the OCD symptoms to lessen with therapy and medication. I hope you start to feel better soon and try to stay positive.

 

[sponglewang007]

Hey man if it's affecting your work go on disability benefits... I dunno what country u guys r from... America? I hear ur welfare system sucks but surely u can get on some kind of benefit.

I've been on disability payments for 7 years in Australia and it rocks especially since I want to go back to university and finish my chem degree... I could not handle working and studying