FallenDream
New member
I've always been an anxious person. Normally I'm able to hide it or forget about it, and get on with life. But over the past few months I've found it increasingly difficult to stop worrying, and I've slowly come to realize that I'm also very depressed.
I'm nearly 19 years old, unemployed, isolated from society, and terrified of the future. I always thought I'd have a job with the army, but I've applied and now they are messing me around, putting off interviews and medicals. It's making my anxiety so much worse, not knowing whether I'll have a job or not - and whether I'll be able to keep it, with this anxiety so bad. I'm also afraid I'll fail the medicals, and I'm struggling with the fitness requirements too, with one injury after another - and I wasn't the fittest in the first place. To tackle that I figured I'd apply for university as a backup plan...and now I'm terrified of what seems like a thousand things about university and life too. Will I get through the interviews and the tests the universities require? Will I get a place? Will I sort out student finance, which all seems so confusing to me? I'm already past the application deadline - where will I find somewhere to stay? Will I have any friends there, because I never have throughout school and college? Will I get a job afterwards? Will I ever meet that someone special and settle down properly? But most of all: how on Earth will I cope?
All I seem to hear about at the moment is how many graduates are leaving university only to sign on immediately, unemployed and scraping a living on benefits. I don't want to be one of these people, living off my parents for the rest of my life. I'm even more afraid that my anxiety will make this even more likely - I struggle with meeting people and talking, I struggle with responsibility (ask me to lock the front door, and I cannot stop worrying about whether I did it properly until I return home, no matter how many times I checked). Whatever I do, I'm sure I've done it wrong. My only proper job, was probably the worst experience of my life and it has made me terrified of even the simplest of jobs...I'm a relatively smart girl, with good A Level grades, 11 C grade plus GCSEs...but the idea of a job at a till in Tescos scares me. I worry about the Army because even though it is my dream job, I'm positive it isn't right for me but I just can't give up that dream. I have nothing else, no other job that really appeals to me at all. I already feel like a huge disappointment because I've been sitting around waiting for the army for a year. I'm scared I will end up like this though and I'm scared of what people,or rather my family (they're the only people I have), will think of me.
I spend every day on edge, unable to do anything or even think straight because all my fears and worries are passing through my brain at a rate of 100mph. I cry all the time (I'm crying now) and I often think about how much easier it'd be to end it all. I switch between positive and negative moods, sometimes so fast I give myself whiplash, metaphorically speaking.I feel like I'm going insane. I struggle with religion; I've always wanted to believe, but I cannot reconcile my religious beliefs with my thoughts and actions at the moment. I hate that I am the way I am, I am who I am, and I wish every day that I could be different. I see my parents, my younger siblings, and all I want, more than anything else in the universe, is to be normal.
I just don't know how to cope. Nothing I try ever seems to work anymore. Whatever I do or think, I'll just end up depressed, worried and scared again. The only thing I find myself able to do at the moment without worrying, is retreat into myself. Reading and writing fiction, playing games, online and off, watching tv and movies...ignoring and detaching myself from reality.
I'm nearly 19 years old, unemployed, isolated from society, and terrified of the future. I always thought I'd have a job with the army, but I've applied and now they are messing me around, putting off interviews and medicals. It's making my anxiety so much worse, not knowing whether I'll have a job or not - and whether I'll be able to keep it, with this anxiety so bad. I'm also afraid I'll fail the medicals, and I'm struggling with the fitness requirements too, with one injury after another - and I wasn't the fittest in the first place. To tackle that I figured I'd apply for university as a backup plan...and now I'm terrified of what seems like a thousand things about university and life too. Will I get through the interviews and the tests the universities require? Will I get a place? Will I sort out student finance, which all seems so confusing to me? I'm already past the application deadline - where will I find somewhere to stay? Will I have any friends there, because I never have throughout school and college? Will I get a job afterwards? Will I ever meet that someone special and settle down properly? But most of all: how on Earth will I cope?
All I seem to hear about at the moment is how many graduates are leaving university only to sign on immediately, unemployed and scraping a living on benefits. I don't want to be one of these people, living off my parents for the rest of my life. I'm even more afraid that my anxiety will make this even more likely - I struggle with meeting people and talking, I struggle with responsibility (ask me to lock the front door, and I cannot stop worrying about whether I did it properly until I return home, no matter how many times I checked). Whatever I do, I'm sure I've done it wrong. My only proper job, was probably the worst experience of my life and it has made me terrified of even the simplest of jobs...I'm a relatively smart girl, with good A Level grades, 11 C grade plus GCSEs...but the idea of a job at a till in Tescos scares me. I worry about the Army because even though it is my dream job, I'm positive it isn't right for me but I just can't give up that dream. I have nothing else, no other job that really appeals to me at all. I already feel like a huge disappointment because I've been sitting around waiting for the army for a year. I'm scared I will end up like this though and I'm scared of what people,or rather my family (they're the only people I have), will think of me.
I spend every day on edge, unable to do anything or even think straight because all my fears and worries are passing through my brain at a rate of 100mph. I cry all the time (I'm crying now) and I often think about how much easier it'd be to end it all. I switch between positive and negative moods, sometimes so fast I give myself whiplash, metaphorically speaking.I feel like I'm going insane. I struggle with religion; I've always wanted to believe, but I cannot reconcile my religious beliefs with my thoughts and actions at the moment. I hate that I am the way I am, I am who I am, and I wish every day that I could be different. I see my parents, my younger siblings, and all I want, more than anything else in the universe, is to be normal.
I just don't know how to cope. Nothing I try ever seems to work anymore. Whatever I do or think, I'll just end up depressed, worried and scared again. The only thing I find myself able to do at the moment without worrying, is retreat into myself. Reading and writing fiction, playing games, online and off, watching tv and movies...ignoring and detaching myself from reality.
