Take control of your mind

U

Unregistered-

Guest
First of all, I want to make it clear to everyone how *severe* my SP was. It all began with my shaking hands as I was born. My mom first noticed it when I reached out for a toy or held a spoon or any other objects. Everyone around wondered what it was and why. As I grew older (5-10) I noticed how bad my hands shaking was when I behaved among people (talking, sitting at a table, etc.). It started in my 6-7th grade when teachers and students visibly pointed out to me how nervous and worried I was when speaking aloud or making presentations/speaches in font of the class. Students made fun of me, teachers didn't understand it and my parents didn't get it either.

It got worse to the point where in my freshman year in school I was so nervous and freaky even when writing at my desk in class. I started fearing people watching me and judging my abnormal behavour. It wasn't all in my head, it was damn real. I became so weak and fragile, that when a guy came up to me and commented how shaky i was, that I dropped into tears and ran away from class. At age 14 I dropped out of my freshman year in russian school and just waited few months till we immigrated to United States. I was hoping I'll start a better and healthier life here on the other side of the Earth. Well, guess what... everything turned up side down and evil surrounded me. My english was ok due to my study of it for 3 years in Russia before we came here, but I had a terrible accent when people couldn't understand me often in school. I came here in 1995 January and went to High School in Bay Area where we first settled. The first day i walked into the school, I feared cold, scary, gothic and freaky atmosphere.

I couldn't walk stable, i couldn't even breath normal. First day was hell as every teacher forced me to stand in front of the class and introduce myself. I did it and from that day on, I lost all hope in life and just fell off.

It was the day when I became a real Social Phobic. School hell escalated into severe SP where I was SP-ic among relatives, friends and strangers. I was worring a lot and filled with pain and self-hatred. At that time I started having acnees which worsened the condition. Ugly accent, Ugly acnee look, Sad look, poor walk, ****ed up ego, low self-esteem and self-confidence.

It got worse and worse... but i still managed to make few friends who later ****ed me over and over by making fun of me and not inviting to any parties due to the fact that they thought I'm weird and abnormal. So they just used me. In two years we moved to Sacramento and here i went to another high school (junior now). It was same old hell.. only sharper... i had no friends.. didn't make any... was absolute loner. I started smoking. Year later we bought a house and moved to another part of Sacramento and i went to another high school (senior).

At that time it's been for 2 years that i didn't make any presentations nor speeches in front of the class.. not even group activities.. i avoided it all by cutting classes.. failing them and just running away from school. I couldn't take it anymore, I gave up, i dropped out. In spring of this year, I sat down and thought deeply about everything. I was 17 at that time (march). I looked at myself at that time and whispered: "Well, here I am, 17, a drop out, absolute loner, acneed face, no friends, no girlfriend, no license, no car, no job... and a real Social Phobic." This is how SP effected me up to that point in time:

- I dropped out
- quit running and karate
- became evil in my parent's eyes
- started hacking and hurting people online, etc.

So I thought and thought and thought.... ok... what do i need first to change... hmm.. "license" i said. So I got a permit and practiced with my dad till July when I got a license. So I had a car by then and a license. "Job" - was the second thought.

I got a job at one russian store. The first day i came in there i said to myself: "**** IT... **** what clients say or think of me.. i need MONEY.. i need money... i need money" I was a cashier there and I was very bad at first but later got better as i didn't take crap from people and just didn't give a damn of what they thought of me. I saw the light. I saw people (clients) who came in and were MORE nervous than me. They took their wallets out and could hardly count their cash due to their hands shakings and nervousness... damn damn damn.... "i'm not alone!" i said. I made friends at work, everyone saw my nervousness... but it got better then. I was just getting my shit done and moved on. I found a girlfriend in early summer whom I nearly gave my heart and commited myself. She later ****ed me up and left me in July. That's it, over with her... she pretended that she loved me and always pushed me away whenever she had problems. Then it happened, she told me she didn't love me and left me. So, August 1-5, I'm all alone... absolutely alone with myself. Hmmm i quit that part time job in russian store and thought again: "I need a full time job and college". I registered for college and got accepted. I take ESL, intro to computer science and programming in visual basic 5.0 now in college (evening classes after work.) August 1-5... i was looking for a job and found it. Data entry, 8 bucks an hour, easy work. I pay my parents a third of my income, I buy my own cloth, music.. everything. I have friends now, I'm very social/active at work and college. Now here're some events that really pushed me to burry my SP. Some time in July, I walk in to college to register and I see an old 70 year old lady accepting my papers, she had very shaky hands and seemed nervous. But she still talked to me and didn't pay attention to her problem. I looked at my hands and said, "I'm not nervous nor worried anymore.. god damn.. they're not shaking that bad anymore". Then I got to know one guy at work who was a teacher, 36 years old.. very very social. We
two are the most popular in our unit of 30 employees. And he has a worse hands shaking than me! His problems is too physical, his hands shake ALL THE TIME and he doesn't give a plain **** about it. People love him and noone minds it.

He told me it started since childhood with him just like me. He said he got over his SP exactly the same way I did, only sooner. Then we just started coming up to people and became so social that workers from other floors in the building began talking about us. I go outside on break with him and we join the group and become the center of ttention. Everyone sitting near me at work enjoys talking to me and likes me. I come home and there're guests... it's ok.. i sit down at the table and have a pleasant chat with all of them. I go to the store
and talk to a cashier and feel good. I bought a new suit, put it on.. come at work and I'm noticed and complimented.

I made a short hair cut now and everyone likes it. I impress people and smile often. So... right now I have nothing, absolutely nothing negative to say about myself. I found right medications to clear my pimples, they're all gone... my face is clear now... I'm healthy. I got along with my brother, parents and most important with myself. I took Paxil in july.. but quit it due to serious side-effects. Another cause of quiting it was just the fact that "damn, I take real medication now.. what da ****? I can do it myself... without any drugs...i won't rely on this crap" So I burried Paxil and My SP all together.

"Damn, I'm good" - I say. It's all over now. I feel like I broke every brick in the wall and now teared it down. I'm free.

I wish you all someday get over your SP, just don't give up. There is hope, it's amazing what your mind can do when you take control of yourself and realize that life is what you make of it, if not you... noone will help you. if not you, noone will cure you. It's all inside your head. Even if it's physical and genetical, you still have all your senses working and body extremeties active, you're not paralized, you're not wounded, you're not injured, you're healthy enough to move
on.

I hope my story gives hope to some of you.

Best regards to everyone

Unregistered, August 2003
 

dream

Well-known member
Congratuations, thank-you for posting your story.
You saw through your fear and anxiety and pushed through that's brave you should praise yourself i wish i was like you.
 
Top