da_illest101
Well-known member
Just for starters no need to feel sorry for me, unless you are directly responsible for my chain of bad events. I'm writing this to blow up some steam
You know for real sometimes I wondered why I even get up each morning, what exactly am I hopeful for? The only thing that improves with time is how bad my depression gets. Stopped enjoying life since I was around 16 ( I'm 25 now) since then I'm starting to become indifferent to more and more things.
My depression was bad, but I had support from a girl that I considered my best friend. She was depressive too and we had a lot of common. Things went well for years, but became horrible when we were exploring our porn addiction together when she still had a bf who she couldn't detach with. long story short it ended very badly a year and a half ago and truly miss her.
I always told myself before, well even though you don't have your mental health, you still have your physical health. So of course the next step in my series of bad luck was to take my physical health away. I ended up having two herniated disc in my neck, last year, from either using too much the computer, weight lifting or a bus accident, not too sure what was. Half of my right side of my body feels stiff all the time. Thanks to it doing exercise has become quite the challenge and often unbearable. I'm not a big fan of light exercise.
so since my mental health keep decreasing each yea, it's only fair that my physical one do the same right? When I finally found a job in something that has nothing to do with customer service, I injured my neck even worse. so not only does my right feel stiff, but the left side starting as well. It also amplified my lower back pain.
Now this Monday I'm starting a new job, guess where? another freaking call center. YAY I'm super excited and can't wait ( sarcasm). But that's not all, I have nearly 4000$ of debts and with that job I would be able to pay a part of it. But I restart school at the end of august. So basically I'll restart school with 2500$ of debt, no job ( it's full time so I'll quit when school start) my plan of going to school without working because I made enough money in summer all went to the toilet.
One thing that annoyes me to no end is the fact that i'm gonna spend then 20 - 40 years helping some * insert insult here * getting rich, while I'm barely gonna make any money. Forget the money my real problem is working. I don't work to work at all. There is not a single job that I would like to do over doing nothing. I hate rich people since they can stop working whenever they want. I study graphic design which doesn't bother me, but even though I got some skills, I have zero motivation to be the best or one of the best.
I wish I could have a relationship with someone, but I always push people away when they get to close. Plus i'm a porn addict, do I enjoy watching porn, not really, yet I can't stop watching it. I don't watch the * normal* stuff, I keep watching the disturbing and wtf stuff so that every time I 'm done I'm traumatised by what I just watched. It's the number one reason why I have back pain since the comfortable position isn't the best one for my back . I feel like a drug addict because I over do it. I get headache from it, feel so tired and retarded from it. I also learn that it can cause depression, maybe that's my problem, oh well I tried to stop before and it was never a success
I'm not too sure how I'm supposed to smile and act like life is good when most likely next year something worse is gonna happen to me.
So what exactly makes me happy? I don't know. I only get short burst of happiness, nothing major.
You know for real sometimes I wondered why I even get up each morning, what exactly am I hopeful for? The only thing that improves with time is how bad my depression gets. Stopped enjoying life since I was around 16 ( I'm 25 now) since then I'm starting to become indifferent to more and more things.
My depression was bad, but I had support from a girl that I considered my best friend. She was depressive too and we had a lot of common. Things went well for years, but became horrible when we were exploring our porn addiction together when she still had a bf who she couldn't detach with. long story short it ended very badly a year and a half ago and truly miss her.
I always told myself before, well even though you don't have your mental health, you still have your physical health. So of course the next step in my series of bad luck was to take my physical health away. I ended up having two herniated disc in my neck, last year, from either using too much the computer, weight lifting or a bus accident, not too sure what was. Half of my right side of my body feels stiff all the time. Thanks to it doing exercise has become quite the challenge and often unbearable. I'm not a big fan of light exercise.
so since my mental health keep decreasing each yea, it's only fair that my physical one do the same right? When I finally found a job in something that has nothing to do with customer service, I injured my neck even worse. so not only does my right feel stiff, but the left side starting as well. It also amplified my lower back pain.
Now this Monday I'm starting a new job, guess where? another freaking call center. YAY I'm super excited and can't wait ( sarcasm). But that's not all, I have nearly 4000$ of debts and with that job I would be able to pay a part of it. But I restart school at the end of august. So basically I'll restart school with 2500$ of debt, no job ( it's full time so I'll quit when school start) my plan of going to school without working because I made enough money in summer all went to the toilet.
One thing that annoyes me to no end is the fact that i'm gonna spend then 20 - 40 years helping some * insert insult here * getting rich, while I'm barely gonna make any money. Forget the money my real problem is working. I don't work to work at all. There is not a single job that I would like to do over doing nothing. I hate rich people since they can stop working whenever they want. I study graphic design which doesn't bother me, but even though I got some skills, I have zero motivation to be the best or one of the best.
I wish I could have a relationship with someone, but I always push people away when they get to close. Plus i'm a porn addict, do I enjoy watching porn, not really, yet I can't stop watching it. I don't watch the * normal* stuff, I keep watching the disturbing and wtf stuff so that every time I 'm done I'm traumatised by what I just watched. It's the number one reason why I have back pain since the comfortable position isn't the best one for my back . I feel like a drug addict because I over do it. I get headache from it, feel so tired and retarded from it. I also learn that it can cause depression, maybe that's my problem, oh well I tried to stop before and it was never a success
I'm not too sure how I'm supposed to smile and act like life is good when most likely next year something worse is gonna happen to me.
So what exactly makes me happy? I don't know. I only get short burst of happiness, nothing major.
