Suicidal, lonely and living in a foreign country

[MentallyUnstable]

hi all,

this is my first post here and ive joined out of desperation and the hope i might get some help/support.

im a single, english, 35 year old male. i started suffering with agoraphobia, severe panic attacks which could last days, anxiety and depression 7 years ago whilst i still lived in england, which resulted from abusing cocaine, ecstacy and speed - i was a serious raver and clubbing was my life for several years.

i was self emplyed as an IT consultant and was doing very well for myself until the illness became so severe 6 years ago that i became agoraphobic for a whole year. during that year i went severely into debt, having big monthly outgoings and no income.

i got a lucky break 3.5 years ago and was offered a job in switzerland whilst i was just about coping.

after 6 months in switzerland, i crashed badly, again, and was off work for a whole year. i went back for another 12 months, but crashed again 6 months ago, and was sectioned for a few weeks earlier this year for a few weeks.

i have now been off work 6 months, all in all, in the last 6 years ive been unable to work for 3.5 years. every time i try and go back to work, the added stress always makes me crash again. its only in the last 6 months that the anxiety and panic attacks have subsided but the depression has got much worse... i cant win.

the thing is, my condition was panic attacks and acute anxiety for most of the last 7 years and throughout my whole time living here in switzerland i have been too ill to learn the language (german) and too anxious and depressed to socialise and make friends.

i am completely alone here in zurich, and in a constant state of suicidal depression although the anxiety and panic attacks are pretty much under control now, the depression has become the primary issue.

ive tried every medication going but it has been pretty much proven that SSRI's (all of them) make my suicidal ideaology much worse. i was then put on effexor for about a year which did help, but my suicidal video (i constantly imagine hanging myself from my balcony) has got much worse on effexor too, so ive had to quit that.

now i am taking 150mg of trazodone and 30mg of mianserin, which do help.

i just dont know what to do anymore, i feel trapped and extremely lonely.

here in switzerland, i am lucky to receive really good health care - i see my shrink once a week, he's always available to me, and when ive needed to go into hospital, the facilities and level of care have been extremely good - the total opposite of the shitty NHS care i received in england.

also, even though i have been unable to work for 2.5 years out of the last 3.5 years being here, my company has always allowed me to go back to work, when ive felt able to and when ive been sick i receive 80% of my salary, so im ok for money.

the thing is, the swiss are very cold and aloof, making friends in this country is extremely difficult.

to make matters worse, i am very intolerant of people generally and am extremely selctive about who i want to make friends with. being unable to go out and mix with people means i havent been able to make any friends and i dont see that situation changing.

if i come back to england, where i can make friends more easily because of the british culture and being able to speak thelanguage, i will be extremely poor and the bailiffs and debt collectors will be bashing down my door in no time (i am in debt to over 100K UK Pounds ) so coming back to england would bring about so many problems for me, not to mention the completely shit health system.

ive been permanently suicidal for nigh on 6 years now. i have absolutely no friends in this country and have lost contact with most of the friends i had in england.

i just dont know what to do anymore.

if i come back to england, i can get in contact with all my old friends, but i will be on the dole because i doubt i would be elligable for incapacity allowance, i would immediately be in poverty, but at least able to communicate with people and alleviate the extreme isolation and loneliness i suffer in this country.

if i stay here in zurich, the debt collectors havent found me yet, and i am able to feed myself and buy dvds or other luxuries to help pass the time, but i cant make any friends here.

i just dont know what to do anymore, i feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place.

i dont expect anyone here can give me any answers, ive been seeing shrinks constantly for 6 years, been in hospital 3 times in england and sectioned once here in switzerland.

i really want to end it, but havent found the courage to do so.

i often think about just running for the balcony, tying the rope round my neck and jumping without thinking abot what im doing and talking myself out of it.

i was writing suicide notes last night, and it was so pathetic. whats the point of a suicide note when nthe only "friend" i have in the world is my shrink!?!?!?

i have NO family at all, my best friends in england wwere my family, i am so sick of being alone i just want to die.

i really REALLY wish i had a gun - i would blow my brains out this instant if i could.

im too scared of the pain from taking my life any other way, i wish i could think of a sure pain-äfree way of ending it all, but i ve lost count of how many suicide attempts ive made by ODing and still lived.

my last OD attempt was 3 years ago - i took 60 valilums and 30 zopiclone sleeping tablets plus a bottle of vodka,. and i was still f***cking consciious when the ambulance took me to emergency-.

im just so frigging sick of all this shit, i want out.



it feels like i have a choice, stay here in switzerland, totally alone, but with good health care and money to live on, or come back to england, live in poverty with crap health care, but have friends around me. what would you do? the only friend im still in contact with in england says i should come home to england where i can be around people who care, even though i will be in huge financial difficulty and getting less-than-perfect health care... im not sure he's right, but im so frigging lonely here...

sorry for going on, dont know what to do, who to speak to, no-one seems to be able to help me.

mu

 

[GettingThere]

I would recommend going back to England.

If you have to declare yourself bankrupt then so be it. Thats not the end of the world. Too bad, you will get over it and start again. Walt Disney was a banrupt three times before things finally worked out for him. The rest is history.

Go home. There will be shit for you no matter what you choose to do but I think that you would have a much better chance at sorting things out back home. Try to think positively because that really makes a big difference.

All the best my friend and welcome to the forum. I hope that you realise that you are among friends here.

 

[arlequin]

If I were you I think I'd come back to England. If you stay in Zurich the situation is not much better. In England at least will be easier to meet people, don't you think?

 

[MentallyUnstable]

hi

thanks for the replies

my gut feeling is telling me i should come back to the uk and try to fix my problems there, even if it means bankruptcy (which im sure it will), but im scared shitless of living in poverty and not being able to work it would mean just that.

do i change a completely solitary life of desperate loneliness and depression but with money to live reasonably comfortably, for a life of poverty but having people around me with whom im close?

thats where my dilemma lies...

i was brought up in poverty on a council estate and managed to escape the poverty trap and get a degree in IT and well paid jobs, the thought of going back to a council estate and living on measly state benefits scares me to death and im worried it would be the final nail in my suicidal coffin.

i just cant see any hope.

mu

 

[GettingThere]

As I said before with the Walt Disney thing, bankrupsy is not the end of the world. Life is not about the matterialism thing.

If you have a roof ovver your head, clothes on your back and food in you tumy then you are rich. Full stop.

 

[MentallyUnstable]

As I said before with the Walt Disney thing, bankrupsy is not the end of the world. Life is not about the matterialism thing.

If you have a roof ovver your head, clothes on your back and food in you tumy then you are rich. Full stop.

hmm, i dont think you realise just how shite uk benefits are.

i might, if lucky, have a roof over my head, i might have baked beans for every meal, in my tummy, and i might have 2nd hand clothes on my back, but dont be so quick to tell me to embrace poverty when that very thing might be the thing that tips me over the edge into suicide.

 

[Barry25]

I think you should actually stay in Switzerland.

I always feel freer when living and working in other European countries, the people are classier, there is less crime, a higher standard of living, and there will always be expats around to meet up with.

Running - in either direction - will not achieve anything in itself. I can tell you this from my own experiences. Being a ridiculous perfectionist I have always cared too much what other people think of me. You take that kind of thought process with you, wherever you go. You can't get somebody else to rid you of it. You have to choose to stop being so hard on yourself and get rid of that self-importance.

Even if you hold out for another 6 months or 12 months before finally returning to the UK, you could benefit in the long-term.

This is sadly a lesson in why illegal drug use is never a good idea.

 

[MentallyUnstable]

This is sadly a lesson in why illegal drug use is never a good idea.

i dont blame the drugs at all.

i blame my abuse of them.

i also blame prohibition of drugs and think that they should be legal, so that when i was getting in to deep i could have had proper healthcare and support under a legalised system, where real damage prevention can be in place. its not possible under prohibition. far too many lies and propoganda due to prohibition which leads people to developing serious addiction problems.

without full legalisation of drugs, people are left dealing with the whole issue on their own, too scared to get help for fear of being labelled an addict, for fear of it affecting your medical record.

drugs are not to blame, you and only you are responsible for your actions.

im sick and tired of people blaming drugs for all their problems, its the easy way out and not admitting to your own failings.

it was not drug USE that caused me problems, it was drug ABUSE that caused me problems and not having the means of getting the help i needed for all the fears surrounding their illegality.

to blame drugs is just a cop out and helps no-one.

they should all be legalised, education and damage limitation advice and support be made available without stigma.

many of these drugs are too dangerous to be illegal, they should be normalised and legalised.

but thats another debate.

i blame myself for my stupidity and the wrongful prohibition of drugs, not the drugs themselves.

to say its never a good idea to take illegal drugs is complete nonsense and just highlights youre own ignorance on the issue. people will always take drugs and should be allowed to do so safely, this cant happen whilst they are illegal.

remember, the most dangerous drugs are infact legal - tobacco and alcohol. do you think alcohol should be illegal because of the small minority of alcoholics and all sensible social drinkers be demonised and criminalised as a result? i doubt you would.

if i had consumed alcohol in the same manner as i took cocaine i would be an alcoholic, for sure, but i doubt you would be screaming for alcohol to be made illegal...

but thankyou for the rest of your advice, which i have taken on board.

 

[ang]

You should try seredyn, its a nat anxiety remedy and it works great! You will never overcome your problems until you face them. Go back to the UK and live in poverty because you are paying off your debt. Until you undo all you have done to yourself you will never feel relief. The only person that can fix you is you. Where you live has nothing to do with your problem. Its just the same problems different place. Every time you move to a different country you think you are leaving your problems behind, when in reality your problems have created a suitcase of thier own in your head. I did the med thing to and after so long you realize its only a temp solution. If you dont change the way you feel about yourself and I mean really change the way you feel deep down in your soul, How do you expect to ever feel right? Anyway I tried seredyn and it works awsome, give it a try hopefully it helps you as much as its helped me. Also a cd called thinkrightnow is amazing. If you want to live a fullfilled life you have to do more to cover up your problems.

 

[IceLad]

Excessive Avoidance Behaviour

This week at work, I changed the dates I go on annual leave so I could have a plausible excuse to miss someone's leaving party, as I just couldn't face justifying why I did not want to go.

What lengths does everyone go to just to get out or something?

 

[blubs]

Hi mu
This probably sounds a bit odd......but when I read your initial post, I really thought I knew who you were.
Then I read a bit more and realised you weren't who I thought you were.
But I do know someone who went to Switzerland with a really similar background...who works in I.T. I wish I was still in touch so I could get you in touch with each other...but thats social phobia for you...I've lost touch with any one I've ever known.
I lived in Zurich for a very short time. Its a lovely city...but I know exactly what you mean about the people...its hard to get to know anyone.
I don't really have any advice for you :?
only...take your time over any decisions if you can.
And try and spend sometime every day not worrying over the decision you have to make, so that you can look at it objectively.
All the best
blubs

 

[constantpanic]

I feel the same

For some reason, I was drawn to your post. This is my first time on this site, and although I am not going through exactly what you are going through, I feel I can relate and sympathize. Maybe just hearing that someone agrees with you, or understands what you are feeling, will be somewhat of a comfort to you. I am a 30-year old female living in the United States. While I'm not under the same stresses as you--deciding whether to stay in an unfamiliar country with no friends or go home to debt collectors, I know what it feels like to be constantly struggling with some major decision. I felt your pain when you say you think of jumping off the balcony--I have been battling suicidal thoughts on and off for 5-months now and I think that is the scariest thing. Every morning, I think of ways to kill myself. I don't think I would ever have the courage to do it, but I am constantly thinking about it. I have had some form of anxiety most of my life--although it subsided for about 10 years and I was symptom free. My doctor thinks I always had anxiety, and that I just drank too much in my 20s and that's why I didn't experience anxiety and panic attacks like I do now. I was drinking plenty of vodka pretty much every night--I come from a family, both sides, of alcoholics. I pretty much quit drinking two years ago out of fear of becoming an alcoholic. But ever since I stopped drinking, I have slowly been slipping into depression or something. To be honest, I don't know what I have. I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety and panic attacks. I am on 1mg of Xanax XR and that's it. My doctors tell me they don't see the depression, so they have not yet put me on any SSRI's and to be honest, I have been glad they haven't, due to reading about a lot of people having more suicidal thoughts because of them. I am becoming a social phobic as well. I have friends, but they are getting sick of my complaining, and I am sick of them not being as supportive as I'd like. I feel like I can't relate to anyone anymore. My mom and family (i am an only child) come from this "tough love" mentality, and keep telling me to tough it out and just relax all the time and it makes me insane. I live with my boyfriend, who I know loves me, yet doesn't understand what I am going through at all. I tell him I'm suicidal and he just gets mad at me. Understandable, but I don't think anyone grasps the severity of my illness. My therapist doesn't think I am as bad as I think I am. Oh, I forgot to mention I was just fired from my job last week, after I had a medical excuse from my general doctor for dizzy spells and headaches I was having. I have lost 15 pounds in five months and never feel like eating. I have all sorts of stomach problems because when I do eat something, it makes me feel worse. I have to force feed myself. And if I don't have a stomach ache, I have a headache, or dizzy spells, or some sort of pain is going on. I constantly have symptoms of anxiety--sweaty palms, rapid heartbeat, shakiness, nausea, etc. I can't remember the last time I felt "normal." I used to be really outgoing and fun. I was the "court jester" as my friends would call me. Now, I feel like I can't leave my apartment. I am even too unmotivated to shower most of the time. I stare dazed at the tv all day long and when the xanax hits me around noon, i fall asleep. i used to fall asleep at work when i first started it. The doctors tried to up the dose of the xanax, but I was pretty much unable to function at all on 2mg.

I am constantly crying. I can't pull myself out of this depression. My therapist thinks I will get better now that I was fired, (i worked with a real b*tch that made my life miserable) and she attributes 90% of my anxiety to her. But I haven't been there at work in three weeks (i had two weeks of medical leave, then they fired me) and I feel worse. Now I have to think of finding another stupid office job, which is pretty much all I am qualified to do. I have only 11 credits to finish for an English/Journalism degree, yet I don't want to do anything in that field, so that is a dead end for me. I had to sell my car after having major panic attacks while driving and now have this fear of driving, and the public transportation in my city is crap, so I have to find a job within walking distance. The fear of starting something new is maddening. I tried to get my therapist to hospitalize me, but she thinks I'll be just fine--to take it easy for a month and not do anything. not worry, not think about finding a job. she wants me to decompress and just relax. How can someone with panic and anxiety just relax? I feel like sh*t every single day. I feel like I can't take it anymore. I visualize my suicide by tying a garbage bag around my head and suffocating myself. Or walking into the lake and not knowing how to swim, drowning. I know I couldn't OD or shoot myself, but I have visions of paying someone else to shoot me. I feel so morbid talking this way, but I feel just as you do. Know that you are not the only one who feels this hopeless. Everyone seems to be giving you their input on what to do, but I just want you to know that my thoughts are very similar to yours. I'm guessing, neither one of us are on the right medication, or we wouldn't be thinking this way. I wish I could just say something positive or say something that would comfort you in any way. I don't want to tell you what I think you should do, since I am a basket case, and not qualified to tell you anything. What does your doctor think you should do? Stay there or go home? If you want to email outside of this forum, let me know. I would feel comfortable doing that, if you would. I have a handful of good friends here, yet I have never felt more alone in my life. Maybe having a friend, even if it is online, will help us both in some way. I hope to hear from you soon. And I hope you are feeling better. DMO