Suddenly shunned by shy friend

[CM]

I could use some advice on how to deal with a teenage friend who I believe suffers from Social Phobia. I met him several months ago when I joined a sport team that he is on. He is very quiet and I heard that he was seriously shy. Over a few months time, other kids on the team commented that I seems to be one of the few people who "could get him to talk". Eventually he asked me out on a date. To make a long story short over a few months we continued to develop our friendship which was platonic. Although we never discussed, it we both seemed comfortable with that. We had several fun dates and did a fair amount of communicating by email, text message and phone calls. On valentines day he gave me a nice gift it was very sweet and I was touched by the gesture. The last date was really great, we went to dinner and a concert. I had a great time and he followed up and said he did as well. The very next day, he started ignoring me and pretty much everyone else on the team. When I tried to speak with him, he gave me one word answers and this continued for weeks. He finally sent me a message saying that he didn't like that people were asking him about me, like when we were going out again, etc and that he just wanted to be friends. I thought that was odd, because we were just friends and people asked about us right from the beginning...it's just teens talking. It has been about 6 weeks now, I see him most days because of the team practices and he continues to ignore me. It's very uncomfortable and embarrassing for me. Some of the other kids tried to encourage him to cut it out and even the coach tried to talk to him. He just says that everything is fine and that he just didn't like me "that way". I don't know how to handle it. I feel so rejected and feel he should apologize for the way he is treating someone who was always nice and supportive to him, but I feel bad for him at the same time and he still won't talk to me. The other kids say he just crawled back into his shell...etc. It's very sad. I don't think he has any idea that he may have social anxiety, but I can't imagine that he is very happy and I think he could use some help. What, if anything should I do?

 

[Danfalc]

Awr that must really hurt quite a bit.. to of have reached out to him and made the effort,only for him to give you the cold shoulder.I really havnt a clue why he's suddenly done this.I mean its obvious from what youve said he enjoyed your company and liked being round you.

So maybe he doesnt like how maybe hanging round with you has braught more attenion on him sorta thing,thats the impression i get anyway with him saying he didnt like the fact people were asking questions.It isnt easy but at the end of the day... I think you should leave him too it,let him know your there for him if he wants to be friends ect and maybe he will come round in his own time when he realises what hes missing.Maybe try catching up with him out of school?Or if you can write him an email or somthing... i have the feeling that he wants to be friends with you,possibly even likes you but for some reason is scared too.

I really didnt want to say this,but i think i should be honest with you.I can remember when i was at school and college,its really hard being shy and that,and you place too much importance on what other people say/think and not enough on your own opinions or i did anyway.I mean i can remember a couple of times i liked a girl really bad but because my mates didnt approve so to say i pretended not to like her I could be wrong but it sounds like he might of turned cold all of a sudden because hes scared his image might be affected or somthing?

 

[shinji_ikari]

when you suffer from social anxiety the general goal in life is to try and keep everybody around you happy (whatever the cost). When it comes to saying 'no' you feel like your slapping the other person in the face.

I think he just got himself too deep into something he is just not ready for and he knows he must hurt someone elses feelings in order to get out of it.

be happy and positive around him. Keep chatting (even without response) and don't give up.

 

[coriander1992]

Us social anxiety sufferers can be, without realising it, quite selfish at times. He might not even realise that you are hurt by his sudden dis-interest, because he is too busy worrying about those kids talking about him...unfortunately the fear can make you like that.

I think you need to explain to him exactly how you feel, and how hurt you are. You needn't do it nastily, but just make sure you let him know, as like I said, he mayn't have realised.
You obviously care a lot about him as you've taken the time to write out that post asking for advice, so he is lucky to have a friend like you

Good luck.

 

[alex29]

its really rare that i talk about my crushes/love interests/sexual desires with friends. its almost like im incapable of having that kind of relationship. im not expected to be involved "that way"

its hard to explain but its whta brings out the weakest in us, makes us into emotional mushes, etc etc etc. my SA limits me here because i always wwant to appear self sufficient and independent

maybe he's feeling some of this too? maybe he liked you and asked you out but then is embarassed by being involved with somebody. not of you and your personality but just of having this type of relationship in general?

anyway i think its really nice you are understanding with him. your a good person!

 

[CM]

These insights are really helpful. I beat myself up for the first couple of weeks trying to figure out what I did wrong but then my coach talked to me and said it was my friend's issue, not mine and that I shouldn't blame myself. He also said the part about him feeling like he was getting in to deep and that he probably panicked. I am a person with quite a few friends and am pretty confident socially. One time my shy friend and I talked on the phone for over three hours (he did most of the talking)and he said that was the most he had ever talked and said he had me to thank for that. I think of those times and wish he could go back to that person again. I don't mean to sound like I am all that special but I am afraid he will have trouble finding someone to be as patient with him as I was. He is a really great guy under that shell.

 

[ghostpicnic]

Maybe you should try reaching out to him by sending a message on how you feel and what you speculate like you did here.

If he still doesn't respond to you like you'd want him to, I say give him the space he desires.

I think you should tell everyone being nosy to mind their own business as well.

 

[sketchy24]

I kinda know how he feels. I've done that before with lots of people. Not really in a dating experience but similar. I can't speak for him but for me, I'll start cutting people off if I feel I've shared too much, gotten to close, or whatever and that in the end these people are only talking to me cause they feel sorry for me or something. Either I something happened or I said something that really made me feel like an idiot and I'll start thinking about all these other things which just magnifies this feeling of self worthlessness. Even start feeling like an idiot for conversations I've had with people over the last week or whatever when I had generally felt pretty good during that time. I'll stop talking to people, I'll mind my own business, and get quite snappy at times.

Hes probably just uncomfortable, feeling judged by even you (even though you aren't he may be thinking it and knocking himself down because of it so he wants to stay away).

Yes its selfish, I realize that and I try to just forget the stupid mistake or whatever it was that made me start feeling so uncomfortable and pray to God everyone else already forgot about it too. And this could have been something tiny. I've had good days turn into bad days by just one small thing that no one in reality probably even noticed. I felt like a complete moron and I beat myself up over it and generally the rest of the day goes down hill cause you're worrying so much about that one thing you feel you're messing up on everything. Usually end up quite depressed for a couple weeks. I generally lighten up after I feel whatever was forgotten but I still feel I have to start back a couple squares in whatever relationship/friendship and it takes me a bit to build that back up depending on the person. Just don't get pushy or whatever, just take the friendship back a few notches, don't get so personal, forget about the dating stuff and he'll probably open back up.

 

[CM]

The last two practices he seems more upbeat with other teammates, even joking around a bit. However, he could be standing right next to me or walk right past me and does not even acknowledge my existence. So...I am glad to see that he appears better and think that is a good sign. Of those of you who responded to my post, some said to reach out to him again maybe by email, tell him how I feel, etc. and some said to leave him alone....anybody else have a thought on that? As far as telling the other kids to mind their business...that would just create more drama and make things worse. I think people generally feel sorry for me and think he's the "bad guy" in this situation. Most regularly social people can't imagine how he can shun me like he does, it is so obvious, because before everyone kind of got a kick out of the fact that we were buddies....it was kind of like "oh they are so cute" kind of thing. I guess I am afraid of doing the wrong thing and perhaps making him feel worse. I can live without an apology, I am just really tired of dreading practices...I am the one somehow that is starting to feel like a loser because it is such an ego killer to be publicly avoided.

 

[osse]

Don't feel bad. You have done nothing wrong. You sound like a good friend, as you are caring for him. I'm afraid you can do nothing for him because this kind of problems need professional help. Recently, something similar has happened to me as this boy. I'll try not to act like him. This posts from "the other side" can be very useful for us, as we, SA, can be so selfish. This way we can imagine how other people are feeling.

 

[CM]

So, how did you know that you have social phobia? I have thought about getting him a self-help book or something. ...but I am afraid that would just freak him out. I think most of his family have the same problem, so they would be unlikely to get him help and there is just no one else that I know of that would bother.

 

[osse]

So, how did you know that you have social phobia?

I went to a psychiatrist because of the symptoms of an obssessive disorder. My therapist discovered I had also social phobia. I quit treatment because I was better of OCD, but my SP remains. And regarding your question: It was diagnosed by a professional. Let's expect for somebody else's answer of his own experiences. I don't know if books can be of some help.

 

[CM]

Update on shy "friend"

Well, its been a couple more weeks and I tried some of your advice. I stayed upbeat, I continued to be friendly at practices. I sent him a couple of text messages, such as... I heard you went to the movies, how did you like it...do you think I would like it, etc. trying to thaw him out and... I continued to get brief answers, no eye contact. I was injured and had to get surgery so I have not been to team practices for the last week and will be out for a few more. So many of my other teammates have been very supportive sending me "get well" messages and he has not made any attempt whatsoever. I guess I am giving up on ever having a friendship with him again...I know he has issues but he has treated me with disregard for my feelings over and over again...no apologies, does not seem to care at all. So now I guess he'll get what he seems to want, to be left alone and not have to explain our relationship to anyone, because there clearly isn't any anymore. I wonder now what happened to the person I was friend's with before because he definitely seems to be gone.

 

[osse]

Don't think any minute more about this. You have done all you could do. I'm sure you cannot help him. Just a professional and himself can help him. Get well.