BleedAmerican,
I can identify with what you wrote. I went through that too and I can only say 'don't do what I did'. I got into a pattern - if I thought he was interesting/cute it was threatening so I treated him like a friend. Some guys will go along with this and so I would 'get' to spend time with someone I really cared about while calling it a friend thus making it less threatening. But at some point he would respond to what was obviouis - I cared about him. He would get closer with a kiss or words and I would really become afraid - yes the old "He'll leave anyway I just want him to get it over with now." Suddenly I would 'know' that I was going to push him away and so I began avoiding him to avoid hurting him ...yeah I realize that makes little sense. But when I was finally with him I would be distant and sometimes cold etc. and I would see this man I cared about slowly get hurt and leave.
I believe now, looking back, that I had basic self esteem issues and abandonment issues. Abandonment: My father's drinking felt like on a daily basis he'd rather be with beer than with his family - as though women don't matter. My father told me he wanted to kill himself while my mother was struggling with cancer - it always felt like anybody I cared about was about to leave - was DYING To get away from me or that I wasn't worth living for. I didn't handle the pain well so I wanted to avoid caring so much about people that I felt like I 'died' when I lost them. I had/have alot of self esteem issues from growing up in a rather dysfunctional family. And I am just going out on a limb here and guessing that the fact that I was molested by a male relative probably didn't build trust in me. Together these issues created in me a deep need for a positive, caring, deep connection to someone and a deeper fear of actually HAVING that connection. Some subconcious part of me decided that the people around me were normal and treated others well but these 'normal' people would mistreat me because I was....me. As though I brought out the worst in people because I wasn't a good person.
This of course is not healthy at all but I really wasn't aware of it at the time.
Can you try to express to your friend that you are not disappointed or uninterested in him but that you are struggling with fear? I remember how much I did NOT want the man I care about to know that I was afraid - fear that he would see something wrong with me - my Kryptonite. Can you ask that while you struggle with your fear that you maintain your friendship? Are you able to get help with your fear - find a counselor or mature friend?
I did not turn to try to fight my fear (I believed I was just socially backward and unable to act like anyone else) so I repeated the pattern above over and over (trying harder and harder not to be afraid) and it became more and more painful. I did try to coach myself through it but with only my own thoughts and fears (I still believed lies about my self worth)- I didn't have outside information or perspective. So I began to respond to all men as though I was not interested in anybody ever in order to avoid becoming attached to/afraid of/and then hurting a man I cared about. I developed feelings for men that I hid from them - and I am usually pretty good at hiding. I am hiding my feelings for a man who has just been assigned an office next to mine at work right now.
I'd like to see you break that cycle sooner rather than waiting a long time like I did. You are young and there is plenty of hope, generous amounts of hope. You can overcome your fear. I am just now eroding some of my fear through my spiritual life and through psychological counseling...but you see....I waited until I was in my 40s to even try...because I really believed it was a problem I created for myself and just couldn't see another way of looking at my past and what I had been through. I really believed that there was no cause for my fear and that I just made fear up in my head unlike other people who chose not to make fear up and had easy lives. That was not true - I had painful experiences that I really needed to recover from. The earlier you turn to face your fear - the better. Please don't be too hard on yourself. The worst part of going through that cycle with a man I cared about was hating myself for being afraid. Don't hate yourself, don't criticize yourself. Self criticism and self hate push you farther away from the man that you care about. Learn how to love yourself, accept yourself.
