Hi Everyone,
My first post,,,, kinda a long vent, so please bare with me
I am a victim of something, maybe my own stupidity for not setting adequate boundaries? I just know that I feel a bit empty.
I am feeling quite indifferent today. Not indifferent to the point where I can't feel anything, but when I feel the tears come, I quickly push them aside. Self preservation I guess or maybe just a way to cope.
Well, a few days ago, the man that I met through an online dating site, pretty much put the final stake through my heart. We met on a site that was strictly made for people like "us" and have been talking "off and on" since July 2009. I won't get into detail as to what it was that initially connected us, but after finding that commonality, we quickly found a few others as well. He lives in the west coast and I am on the east. Some of our differences are racial, cultural and religious to name a few, but we didn't have our minds on anything that would include marriage, so these differences were not an issue.
It wasn't long after I started to get to know him that he revealed he had OCD. He doesn't like to see people eat with their hands without washing them and also doesn't like to see them eat messy things and then lick their fingers etc. It just freaks him out to no end! He is also a clean freak. I am not certain if he is a checker, but he will wash his hands and other things for fear of contamination.
Anyway... we talked a lot about our sexual appetites and what we liked and wished to try. Mind you that both of us liked pretty bizarre things and found that we could trust each other with that information and other highly guarded information.
Well, the trust factor rose and so did our desire and infatuation with each other. He also told me that he liked plenty of space and wasn't one to talk on the phone as he didn't like it much. I respected that and didn't push conversations too much.
Well, things get pretty intense for us both and I had a few anxiety attacks due to his disappearing acts. It wasn't until later that I found he needed time to himself because of something I said or something that I did that bothered him. Instead of telling me about his issues with me, he retreated. I wasn't used to this behavior and it took me some time to understand it and not take things to personally.
Fast forward 2 months in... Ok, now how can I not begin to take things personally when I made plans to visit him for the first time, booked a plane ticket etc. and he breaks up with me. I'm certain his reasons were huge to him, but I felt I did nothing to warrant a break. He stated that he didn't want a girlfriend who thought he had to walk on eggshells for or who thought he may be sociopathic.... Ummm I never gave any indication that I thought of him in such a way, nor did I trip out on things that he said or did. Since knowing him, he was dealing with major drama with friends, his job, a hit and run on his car, moving etc. He had a way of blowing things way out of proportion and his dumping me was the biggest bomb yet.
I was floored as I began to harbor feelings for him. So... I went into a panic. Yes, I sometimes have attacks, but they are rare. Unfortunately, he was a trigger to a big one. I then started acting out and trying to call him and get in touch to see if there was a chance for us. Mind you that I didn't even know I was his girlfriend when he broke things off with me. Imagine connecting with someone, but not knowing that your friend already made up in "his" mind that you are his girlfriend. Oh and how short lived the ride was!
Well, I finally reconnect with him and explain that everything was a misunderstanding. All my explaining really didn't matter, because he had made up his mind to have me as a friend. He was going through a really really stressful time and my being involved in his life to the degree that I was only added to his anxiety etc. He wanted a drama free relationship... basically sexual and mental connection without the emotion.
To make a long story short, we tried to make the friend thing work, but he and I went back to intimate talks and I love yous. Yes, we said I love you to each other. I then thought of making plans to see him in Dec., but was leery at that point because he left me holding the bag before. Anyway.... I never made it to my Dec. plans, because he started contacting me more sporadically and when he did, it was heavily through text messages. I was feeling like I was getting the cold shoulder again and just made a quiet exit myself. He phoned me a few times, but I didn't entertain him. I just wanted the pain to be over. So a month and a half goes by and I get a Happy New Year text. I respond out of courtesy and he then calls me the next day. I have a brief, light-hearted conversation with him and we then start talking once more. The I love yous continue and about 3 weeks in I ask where I stand. He then tells me that he loves me, but can't give me the attention I need... blah blah blah... Funny he says this, because I am the type of woman who likes her space as well and doesn't call people all day every day.... I usually call when there is something to share. Come to think of it, I barely called him, he called me...
Anyway, he basically said that I am a valued friend etc. etc., then the I love yous started again. Said that he cant believe how we both can feel this way being so far from each other etc. Please note that we used to talk sexually to each other insistently prior to the break in mid Nov. When we reconnected, he didn't have much to say about me sexually or his thoughts about the subject.
Well the last straw was when he asked me what I was wearing a few days ago and I told him that I looked like crap and that my arm was still all bandaged up from a chemical accident. He said, that's ok.... I want to see you so take a pic. I was reluctant, but took one before going to bed. Well, after he got it, he mailed me and said awww poor baby and that it was exactly the way he wanted to see me. I feel that he wanted to see me looking all crappy to justify his next move of cease and desist. He had made a New Yr. resolution to call me daily and also said he axed many associates and folks he didn't consider friends. After I sent the pic, the calls stopped and excuses started coming in. I'm busy, I'm jogging etc. etc. No big deal really, but when I asked him to help me finalize plans to see him in April or May, he said that it wouldn't be practical. Its been a few days and I haven't heard from him.
This man was always up-front with me about not wanting to get into a committed relationship. He was truthful about his name, age, occupation, birth date, address etc. He also told me of sexual exploits that he had while we were getting to know each other. He was quite open about most things if not everything. Exceptionally unconventional in many aspects.
So gang, is this a classic case of slow disinterest and being strung along, or could he likely suffer from R-OCD? He has noted having issues of superficiality and is sick of the LA scene, Has a fear of me meeting his circle of friends and is very culturally connected. He may be ashamed of me, seeing that I'm black and he's Indian. He also has problems with drinking to the point of black outs. Very social and loves kids, but doesn't want any of his own.
It is hard to say whether or not our crazy relationship was due to his OCD, his cultural ties or just pure curiosity coupled with loneliness..
I just don't know.
I am starting to feel really bad right now, just in the sense that a meeting never materialized.
Maybe I was played.
Thanks for reading this and for your insights and support!
My first post,,,, kinda a long vent, so please bare with me
I am a victim of something, maybe my own stupidity for not setting adequate boundaries? I just know that I feel a bit empty.
I am feeling quite indifferent today. Not indifferent to the point where I can't feel anything, but when I feel the tears come, I quickly push them aside. Self preservation I guess or maybe just a way to cope.
Well, a few days ago, the man that I met through an online dating site, pretty much put the final stake through my heart. We met on a site that was strictly made for people like "us" and have been talking "off and on" since July 2009. I won't get into detail as to what it was that initially connected us, but after finding that commonality, we quickly found a few others as well. He lives in the west coast and I am on the east. Some of our differences are racial, cultural and religious to name a few, but we didn't have our minds on anything that would include marriage, so these differences were not an issue.
It wasn't long after I started to get to know him that he revealed he had OCD. He doesn't like to see people eat with their hands without washing them and also doesn't like to see them eat messy things and then lick their fingers etc. It just freaks him out to no end! He is also a clean freak. I am not certain if he is a checker, but he will wash his hands and other things for fear of contamination.
Anyway... we talked a lot about our sexual appetites and what we liked and wished to try. Mind you that both of us liked pretty bizarre things and found that we could trust each other with that information and other highly guarded information.
Well, the trust factor rose and so did our desire and infatuation with each other. He also told me that he liked plenty of space and wasn't one to talk on the phone as he didn't like it much. I respected that and didn't push conversations too much.
Well, things get pretty intense for us both and I had a few anxiety attacks due to his disappearing acts. It wasn't until later that I found he needed time to himself because of something I said or something that I did that bothered him. Instead of telling me about his issues with me, he retreated. I wasn't used to this behavior and it took me some time to understand it and not take things to personally.
Fast forward 2 months in... Ok, now how can I not begin to take things personally when I made plans to visit him for the first time, booked a plane ticket etc. and he breaks up with me. I'm certain his reasons were huge to him, but I felt I did nothing to warrant a break. He stated that he didn't want a girlfriend who thought he had to walk on eggshells for or who thought he may be sociopathic.... Ummm I never gave any indication that I thought of him in such a way, nor did I trip out on things that he said or did. Since knowing him, he was dealing with major drama with friends, his job, a hit and run on his car, moving etc. He had a way of blowing things way out of proportion and his dumping me was the biggest bomb yet.
I was floored as I began to harbor feelings for him. So... I went into a panic. Yes, I sometimes have attacks, but they are rare. Unfortunately, he was a trigger to a big one. I then started acting out and trying to call him and get in touch to see if there was a chance for us. Mind you that I didn't even know I was his girlfriend when he broke things off with me. Imagine connecting with someone, but not knowing that your friend already made up in "his" mind that you are his girlfriend. Oh and how short lived the ride was!
Well, I finally reconnect with him and explain that everything was a misunderstanding. All my explaining really didn't matter, because he had made up his mind to have me as a friend. He was going through a really really stressful time and my being involved in his life to the degree that I was only added to his anxiety etc. He wanted a drama free relationship... basically sexual and mental connection without the emotion.
To make a long story short, we tried to make the friend thing work, but he and I went back to intimate talks and I love yous. Yes, we said I love you to each other. I then thought of making plans to see him in Dec., but was leery at that point because he left me holding the bag before. Anyway.... I never made it to my Dec. plans, because he started contacting me more sporadically and when he did, it was heavily through text messages. I was feeling like I was getting the cold shoulder again and just made a quiet exit myself. He phoned me a few times, but I didn't entertain him. I just wanted the pain to be over. So a month and a half goes by and I get a Happy New Year text. I respond out of courtesy and he then calls me the next day. I have a brief, light-hearted conversation with him and we then start talking once more. The I love yous continue and about 3 weeks in I ask where I stand. He then tells me that he loves me, but can't give me the attention I need... blah blah blah... Funny he says this, because I am the type of woman who likes her space as well and doesn't call people all day every day.... I usually call when there is something to share. Come to think of it, I barely called him, he called me...
Anyway, he basically said that I am a valued friend etc. etc., then the I love yous started again. Said that he cant believe how we both can feel this way being so far from each other etc. Please note that we used to talk sexually to each other insistently prior to the break in mid Nov. When we reconnected, he didn't have much to say about me sexually or his thoughts about the subject.
Well the last straw was when he asked me what I was wearing a few days ago and I told him that I looked like crap and that my arm was still all bandaged up from a chemical accident. He said, that's ok.... I want to see you so take a pic. I was reluctant, but took one before going to bed. Well, after he got it, he mailed me and said awww poor baby and that it was exactly the way he wanted to see me. I feel that he wanted to see me looking all crappy to justify his next move of cease and desist. He had made a New Yr. resolution to call me daily and also said he axed many associates and folks he didn't consider friends. After I sent the pic, the calls stopped and excuses started coming in. I'm busy, I'm jogging etc. etc. No big deal really, but when I asked him to help me finalize plans to see him in April or May, he said that it wouldn't be practical. Its been a few days and I haven't heard from him.
This man was always up-front with me about not wanting to get into a committed relationship. He was truthful about his name, age, occupation, birth date, address etc. He also told me of sexual exploits that he had while we were getting to know each other. He was quite open about most things if not everything. Exceptionally unconventional in many aspects.
So gang, is this a classic case of slow disinterest and being strung along, or could he likely suffer from R-OCD? He has noted having issues of superficiality and is sick of the LA scene, Has a fear of me meeting his circle of friends and is very culturally connected. He may be ashamed of me, seeing that I'm black and he's Indian. He also has problems with drinking to the point of black outs. Very social and loves kids, but doesn't want any of his own.
It is hard to say whether or not our crazy relationship was due to his OCD, his cultural ties or just pure curiosity coupled with loneliness..
I just don't know.
I am starting to feel really bad right now, just in the sense that a meeting never materialized.
Maybe I was played.
Thanks for reading this and for your insights and support!
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