asdfjkl
Active member
Well I've had it my whole life... And sometimes like how I feel right now... I can't stand it... I wish I could go through life like I did last week... which I realize now that I had it last week it's just now what's making it so bad I have figured it out but with my SP i don't really wana admit what it is because i'm too scared... i wana talk to my parents about it but too scared too... im going to college right now and am in the army reserves... and that which got me threw life b4 and now I realize what had made me happy was one lie after another... it's like my whole life is just one big lie... all lies... and that i lied so much i believed my own lies... and now im just totally down... i told my gf about what's been going on, and we both have the same problems... but now that we have cuz we both have SP now it's harder for either of us to talk to each other... you would think some one like me would be way different but I can't believe I have this problem, and since im so self critical and wutnot (not all the time but most of the times) I've realized that my whole family has this problem...
and all I'm saying is... I WANT OUT!!! y... wtf do I have to feel like this for...
I havn't been going to college lately... I missed my drill... I've been drinking every nite, by myself for a while... Then things got better because I met my current gf, only reason I met up with her was because that night I had a ton to drink and then I brought her back to my place and we had a few beers... then later that week I was still doing things with my friends like going to the strip club, got my boys initiated into my frat, etc... then the next sunday was super bowl sunday and I went over to this girls house... we were drinking of course and we also finally started dating.
anyways back to my point is that I have a hard time balancing things like friends and girls and for me it can seem to be only all one way or all the other... like b4 i left for the army i was in a relationship for a year and 7months which I used to think that was normal as to y i had stayed with her for so long, but that was b4 I realized that I had SP and I can see why I stayed with her for so long right now... anyways now it's back to the same old seeing each other every day bs like how I was with my other ex... and now I find myself wanting to make excuses and dreading my friends calling me because I just feel like going to her house and no longer going out to parties, clubs, frat parties, etc like I was b4 I was dating her...
I guess the only reason I liked doing those things b4 was because I was drinking at all of that, and I was drinking most all of those times I was with my gf...
I find myself telling lies... not complete lies but half truths, so much that I end up believing them, and I really gota stop that, I find myself very forgetful and not always paying attention to what other people tell me, etc... When I'm fine I have no problem doing any of that but when I get this way it really sux...
I duno I guess I'm just ranting on... I've always been this way my whole life and wana change but I don't see it happening it's like I want an instant change or no more at all... I've been on paxil cr for about a month now... I have an appt this fri to go back and see the doc... I've been suicial b4 and i know that you shouldn't take paxil cr if you have had such things b4, but I just wanted the ez way out which I was hoping that it would work for me... I always opt to take the easy way out I have my whole life so many stories I would just make up excuses for why I did... I lie about too much shit... and I ride out those lies and go on power trips, only to be broughten back down and soon loose all confidence, etc, etc... Like I feel right now, it's because I see myself in an endless loop of how the rest of my family is, the kind of girls I attract, and how I don't feel comfortable doing shit with my friends anymore unless there's drinking involved, hell I don't feel comfortable anymore whatsoever unless I'm drinking... not even around my current gf now because you see I"m sooo in love with her and she's so in love with me, which reminds me of how my last relationship was, and how her last one was, then I went on with my lieing, etc ,etc and finally realized why it was were both this way and I guess I just want out, not out of the relationship but out of this world I don't wana end up like all the rest of my family, but I see myself going down the same path... it really all makes sence... omg... hahah wow I just really want out!!! like in an instant I wish I wasn't hear right now but at the same time I'm too much of a pussy to do anything about it.
I can't gey myself outa this ditch... I could go back to my old ways of lieing but I've realized the only way I get out of this is when I don't worry about anything and just drink and have a good time and I can't do that my whole life... otherwise I just feel like this so I think that there's some bicardi 151 with my name on it
But even now this aint doing too much good for me as while I'm drinking it even after I get drunk i still can't stop thinking about my problems and how they will be there the next day... I dont see a way out and I really need some help but duno were to go... and even if I finally do work up the balls to get some help i duno if I'll be able to say anything or tell the truth... if you know what i mean...
and all I'm saying is... I WANT OUT!!! y... wtf do I have to feel like this for...
I havn't been going to college lately... I missed my drill... I've been drinking every nite, by myself for a while... Then things got better because I met my current gf, only reason I met up with her was because that night I had a ton to drink and then I brought her back to my place and we had a few beers... then later that week I was still doing things with my friends like going to the strip club, got my boys initiated into my frat, etc... then the next sunday was super bowl sunday and I went over to this girls house... we were drinking of course and we also finally started dating.
anyways back to my point is that I have a hard time balancing things like friends and girls and for me it can seem to be only all one way or all the other... like b4 i left for the army i was in a relationship for a year and 7months which I used to think that was normal as to y i had stayed with her for so long, but that was b4 I realized that I had SP and I can see why I stayed with her for so long right now... anyways now it's back to the same old seeing each other every day bs like how I was with my other ex... and now I find myself wanting to make excuses and dreading my friends calling me because I just feel like going to her house and no longer going out to parties, clubs, frat parties, etc like I was b4 I was dating her...
I guess the only reason I liked doing those things b4 was because I was drinking at all of that, and I was drinking most all of those times I was with my gf...
I find myself telling lies... not complete lies but half truths, so much that I end up believing them, and I really gota stop that, I find myself very forgetful and not always paying attention to what other people tell me, etc... When I'm fine I have no problem doing any of that but when I get this way it really sux...
I duno I guess I'm just ranting on... I've always been this way my whole life and wana change but I don't see it happening it's like I want an instant change or no more at all... I've been on paxil cr for about a month now... I have an appt this fri to go back and see the doc... I've been suicial b4 and i know that you shouldn't take paxil cr if you have had such things b4, but I just wanted the ez way out which I was hoping that it would work for me... I always opt to take the easy way out I have my whole life so many stories I would just make up excuses for why I did... I lie about too much shit... and I ride out those lies and go on power trips, only to be broughten back down and soon loose all confidence, etc, etc... Like I feel right now, it's because I see myself in an endless loop of how the rest of my family is, the kind of girls I attract, and how I don't feel comfortable doing shit with my friends anymore unless there's drinking involved, hell I don't feel comfortable anymore whatsoever unless I'm drinking... not even around my current gf now because you see I"m sooo in love with her and she's so in love with me, which reminds me of how my last relationship was, and how her last one was, then I went on with my lieing, etc ,etc and finally realized why it was were both this way and I guess I just want out, not out of the relationship but out of this world I don't wana end up like all the rest of my family, but I see myself going down the same path... it really all makes sence... omg... hahah wow I just really want out!!! like in an instant I wish I wasn't hear right now but at the same time I'm too much of a pussy to do anything about it.
I can't gey myself outa this ditch... I could go back to my old ways of lieing but I've realized the only way I get out of this is when I don't worry about anything and just drink and have a good time and I can't do that my whole life... otherwise I just feel like this so I think that there's some bicardi 151 with my name on it
But even now this aint doing too much good for me as while I'm drinking it even after I get drunk i still can't stop thinking about my problems and how they will be there the next day... I dont see a way out and I really need some help but duno were to go... and even if I finally do work up the balls to get some help i duno if I'll be able to say anything or tell the truth... if you know what i mean...