Soul searching, but coming up short.

[Guarded]

Hi everyone. I ran across this forum when I googled "why do I push people away".

Seems like a good support community, so I joined. I am surprised at how much I can relate to other's posts.

I am NOT used to talking about my issues, so I guess an anonymous forum is a good place for me to be open.

There is a man that is trying to reach out to me. To get to know me. He wants to date me.

Little history, I've been single for 3 yrs. Last 3 relationships were with commitment phobic men.

So, whenever I first start talking to a new guy, I am friendly and outgoing...then, a couple days later, I just SHUT DOWN. I feel paralyzed inside. Then, I start trying to find flaws in the guy.

So far, I've ignored one of his emails and did not answer the phone last night when he called. Now, today, I can't break through my walls enough to just email him back!

I WANT to have someone in my life to love. So, WHY do I do this????

I feel broken. I feel like I am constantly fighting with myself internally for what I want. But, I always lose.

Who am I fighting with???

 

[Guarded]

BTW, 2 of those commitment phobic men I mentioned above, are now married. I am still single.

 

[Chilling__Echo]

do you feel like that once they are in your life that they have free roam of you? as in, your insecurities, regrets, secrets, everything? do you feel like you have something to hide?

i'm just throwing things out there. but if the last three relationships were with commitment phobic guys, maybe you unconsciously sought them out or they seemed attractive to you b/c you knew they wouldn't... pry (i guess would be the word)?

 

[Guarded]

do you feel like that once they are in your life that they have free roam of you? as in, your insecurities, regrets, secrets, everything? do you feel like you have something to hide?

Yes, I have always been ashamed of my past. I sometimes feel like I am living a lie. Because, I need to lie in order to divert questions that I don't want asked.

I have trouble answering the simplest of questions about my past. When I DO tell people about my past, I then feel judged. At least that's how it feels to me. Like, there is no way you could have came out of that ok!! You must have something bad wrong with you.

Anyway, here is my past:

My mom cheated on my dad when they were married. They divorced.

I was born.

Then, shortly after my mother abandoned me.

I was raised by my dad.

Then, around 8 years old, my dad remarried. He remarried a very judgemental woman. I was cast aside and neglected, because she pointed out to my dad that I wasn't his.

They never shared their insight with me. But, my dad's attitude towards me changed. My step-mom never liked me.

From that point, I spent countless hours in my room alone for years growing up. Rarely was asked by my family to join in. It seemed like they WANTED me out of the way.

My brothers were accepted and loved. Why wasn't I? I told myself that I must be a bad person. I became very rebellious and mean back to everyone. No love either way...whatsoever.

Needless to say, when I was 18 I walked away from home. My parents could have cared less. My brother sought me out a couple times over the years, but I avoided him.

At 32, I met my birth mother. An hour after meeting her, I found out my *real* father was her current husband!! They told me while laughing, and drinking margaritas.

I was shocked, but yet happy. Things started to make sense to me.

I finally understood why my parents dis-owned me after my physical features became more apparent. I was the splitting image of my *real* dad.

So, after a year of trying to be accepted into my new family...I gave up.

I was resented by my new brothers, because they felt lied to also. They saw me as a threat. They didn't like the idea of me. My mother was obsessed with re-living the past, and not healthy mentally. My father always took the side of my mom or my brother's.

No trust established again.

The last thing I needed was another toxic family, to make me feel bad about myself. I cut ties, and my mother began to stalk me...but nothing I can't handle.

So..alone again. I was very vunerable and then met my kid's dad. He was very abusive. I didn't leave him until my kids were born, and I saw what it was doing to them.

I left and never looked back.

I've never had problems with leaving people. Never learned how to establish bonds with people, friends...whomever. I've gotten a little better...but, I always know, when I start a new relationship with someone, that it'll end. It always ends.

I am a very loving mom. I look at my kids and almost burst with love for them. However, my parenting skills are not the best. I never feel confident in my choices for them. But, what parent does? They are the only unconditional love I've ever experienced in my life.

Over the years, like I've said earlier, I have had one unhealthy relationship after another.

So, I decided to stay single for a few years. Get my self straightened out.

Alone...I feel great. I like my company, have no problems being by myself. No anxiety from that. Feel pretty healthy about my independence.

But, whenever I put myself out in the dating world again, I get plenty of nibbles from nice men.

But, it's constant "come here, go away" type stuff that I do to them. Some seem to cling harder, some

I am tired of feeling this way! I feel like my own worst enemy sometimes.

Anyways, thanks for reading my very long post. I hope someone can relate with me. I rarely tell people things about my past. Everytime I do, I usually regret it later.

I don't think I'll figure out how to fix me though.

 

[Chilling__Echo]

I see what you're saying. i wouldn't trust people either if i couldn't trust my own family. you've deffinately learned how to be on your own. that's amazing and kudos to you for conqouring all of that! you should be very proud of yourself, and your kids have a wonderful mother as a role model.

I've battled with this myself, the not trusting people thing. growing up, you have your close friends, adn then you change schools and then they're gone. there were so many people i thought i'd grow old with but didn't. i had to learn that life is always changing and i can't do anything to control that. i felt less confident in myself and felt like I was the reason my friendships came and went when actually it's just life. things happen, people change, people move, we grow.

i don't think that helps too much but i don't think you should assume people would judge you by your past that's been governed by other people's actions against you! i'm sure you would have picked another one if you'd had the choice. i say give them a chance to know you for you, and when you're ready to share your secrets, do it. but if you're not, they should understand that. i'm sure you can find someone understanding enough. get to the root of your fear and you can learn how to keep it from controling you.

good luck, i hope i hit a ball somewhere in the playing field :?

 

[Guarded]

In another thread I was just talking about being treated differently because of what you look like, for reminding another person of someone you resemble. But for your own family to do it, it is very sad. I'm sorry to read about your upbringing, it's truly heart breaking and yes I do relate to some things you mention. (My mother abandoned me, I have pushed people away before they leave me, the push and pull thing, hard to deal with people asking about my upbringing) Do you have anyone who you can talk to about this? (you can PM me if you'd like) Have you seen a therapist?

Yes, I've had at least three years of steady counseling. But, not going anymore. Counseling helped, and some of the counselors points still run through my head on occasion.

By the way, Roxy, when you meet someone new how do you avoid those unwanted "digging" questions they ask??

Thanks for your reply. :wink:

 

[Guarded]

quote="Chilling__Echo"]I see what you're saying. i wouldn't trust people either if i couldn't trust my own family. you've deffinately learned how to be on your own. that's amazing and kudos to you for conqouring all of that! you should be very proud of yourself, and your kids have a wonderful mother as a role model.

Wow! Thanks very much.

I've battled with this myself, the not trusting people thing. growing up, you have your close friends, adn then you change schools and then they're gone. there were so many people i thought i'd grow old with but didn't. i had to learn that life is always changing and i can't do anything to control that. i felt less confident in myself and felt like I was the reason my friendships came and went when actually it's just life. things happen, people change, people move, we grow.

I can relate with that.

i don't think that helps too much but i don't think you should assume people would judge you by your past that's been governed by other people's actions against you! i'm sure you would have picked another one if you'd had the choice. i say give them a chance to know you for you, and when you're ready to share your secrets, do it. but if you're not, they should understand that. i'm sure you can find someone understanding enough. get to the root of your fear and you can learn how to keep it from controling you.

I just don't know how to even bring it up. Seems like the minute I do, I then get treated differently....like, dang...she's got some baggage!!! 8O

good luck, i hope i hit a ball somewhere in the playing field :?

Yes, you did fine. Just having someone connect with my issue, helps.