Social Anxiety for 10 years and Counting

lina1202

Member
Hi All. I'm writing this out now and I'm not even sure if I'm going to post this in the end since I'm super nervous of being judged and all. But we'll see I guess :bigsmile:

Since I was 13, I've had social anxiety but at first I was mightily confused and wasn't even sure if that was what I had. All I knew was that something was wrong with me.
The emotions hit me like a roller coaster and then so did the depression. For years I would cry almost daily. I began to distance myself from everyone, hardly speaking up in group conversations due to an overwhelming and inexplicable fear of being judged. I labelled myself stupid, boring, quiet, selfish, rude, weird, so many things and all the while wondering just why am I like this?
I was never bullied or went through any kind of obvious trauma in my school or family life so it never became clear to me why I suddenly felt this way and had these constant negative thoughts about myself.

I have taken anti-depressants, practised mindfulness and meditation, read so many self-help books. But to this day, I still care too much how I come across to others, to the extent that I'm super aware of how I walk, careful of what I say daily, in what tone of voice etc., prepare in my head what to say, the list goes on; I can't be at ease at all in a conversation because of this.

I think that at the end of it all, I just want people to like me and my worst fear is people not liking me - no, actually, my worst fear is people not caring or paying any attention to me. Because some people can be hated but still liked by others. But if you're simply boring and dull and have nothing to say, you'd just become invisible and fade away.

I wish that I could stop needing people's approval so much. Even people who I don't know - I still, inexplicably, need their approval as much as the next person's and this frustrates me about myself to no end.

I think that there are so many things wrong with me, and so many bad things about myself. I really don't know what to do anymore, it's painful having to socialize every day and I'm at my limit.

Can anyone relate? Has anyone ever gotten over your social anxiety and what has helped you all?

I guess I will end up posting this.
 
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