So much is going on... :(


Well-known member
It's been since 2013 since I had a job. I've been bullied a lot and I'm not sure if this brings on the case or not. I've been avoiding a lot of things. I don't work and I don't go to college because I'm afraid I'm going to get picked on. Sometimes I get very nervous and I get nervous and I can feel my hands sweating from anxiety and from worrying so much. I'm also suffering from PTSD and I was in an abusive relationship and bullied on Facebook.

As of right now I suffer with Social Anxiety and sometimes it depresses me because I really want friends and I want people to talk to me, in the back of my mind though I always end up feeling like they'll hate me or won't like me. Know not everyone is going to like me and I also know there's a lot more bullies out there and that I can't avoid them. It seems like I'm holding myself back on life because I'm scared of being bullied and judged by others. Over the summer I noticed how I'm very angry, sad and going through a lot of different mood swings. Believe as of right now my PTSD is much worse after being bullied on Facebook. Ended up deleting my page and making a new page. Than one day I used another Forum that's pretty helpful to me and I got bullied yet again and the anger grew and grew towards people in general. I cried so much over this summer and had so many anger outbursts from being bullied.

Now I tend to hold myself back a lot of the time and I'm very cautious of people. Not to long ago I stayed at my friends house and he invited his friend over. Believe my friend is mad at me at this moment because I don't think he understands Social Anxiety. I didn't say much because I honestly don't think I'm liked or that anyone would like me. My friend's friend also wasn't saying much to me anyways so I didn't truly think he liked me. I said little comments here and there, though that was it.

Their conversation was about something I didn't know nothing about and about something personal that I didn't know anything about. I didn't think it was my place to jump in and say anything. I'm not rude like that. So instead I just did my own thing. Inside though I felt kinda hurt a little bit, at the same time though I kept telling myself that my friend hasn't seen his best friend in a very long time. Though the hurt came back because I thought over the entire week of me hanging out with my friend and I noticed how we weren't really talking at all and than I got hurt again. As my friend came back and tried to talk to me, I didn't say much to him because I was hurt. Sure it was kinda childish and I could have said something, though I was hurt because I took notice how my friend hardly said much to me at all. :sad:

All the feelings came back to me how I'm used to being ignored and I told him this. I told him how I was picked on and used to being ignored by people and how I suffer with Social Anxiety now due to it. And he finished my sentence as I was talking to him, "Cause you're used to it?" And I told him how I'm even used to being ignored at home and towards the end of the conversation he said, "Sorry....."

Since I left my friend's house I haven't spoke to him. We both kinda got into a fight. We both ended up working it out. As he got home from work he said to me, "I'm sure you wish you would have left before I got home so you wouldn't have to see me..." So I'm not sure if he's hurt or what by that statement, though I'm thinking he is. Now I'm at my house and I won't message him on my new Facebook and he's been playing his video game on Steam and I'm pretty much not caring anymore. Feel like I pushed my friend away because I was angry and sad due to PTSD because of all the abuse and bullying I've been through and now I suffer with Social Anxiety and it's hard for me to even speak to people and how my hands sweat. I'm always thinking that everyone hates me or that I'm going to get bullied so I stay quiet until I'm spoken too, someone asks me my opinion or if someone wants to talk to me. If nobody wants to speak to me though I'm very very quiet and I hardly talk at all. :sad:

All my life I've been a loner and a black sheep in my family. Not to long ago I watched the movie called Igby Goes Down and I can relate to Igby in some ways and at one point I did lie a lot because I was abusing drugs. The movie kinda helped me and helped me think deeper about things. I've also abused drugs before because I was depressed and now I'm clean and trying to figure out my life. I also don't get along with my mother very much and once I saw the struggle Igby had I totally could relate and it no longer made me feel alone, though I still want friends, you know? So much stuff is coming to my mind right now and I think I should stop before I end up writing a novel.
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