Shame and insecure identity and SA

[LittleMissMuffet]

I keep going-on about my theories about SA.
I'm figuring things out slowly and am going through different feelings I have about everything.

....And I really feel that there is an irony about all of this.

I notice that since I have been more socially isolated my social anxiety has gotten worse and also I notice that when I was a teenager in highschool, despite that the 'problem' was still there: I managed it better.

The difference was I think that in highshool the world was smaller: I knew all the people there and was familiar enough with them -but also, I defined my self better. I saw my self as more 'eccentric' rather than as having a mental disorder.

Since then, the world has gotten bigger: with more people I am not used to and that anxiety that creeps in when I feel un-established and not secure in a different situation is more pronounced. And I have become more isolated, which makes this 'unfamiliar outside world' seem even more unknown and unfamiliar.

Added to this: having to go to a psychiatrist (who was also a bit too eager to find something 'wrong' with me and put labels on me) has made me feel even more 'out of place' and strange.

....I honestly think that shame and a lack of sense of place with other people are big factors to social anxiety.

If I think in terms of that I have a mental disorder and go by how other people try to define me -this makes me feel even more insecure. Yet, lately I have chosen to ignore how others define me -and I am using my own words to describe my self and my problem. These words are...
'that I am highly sensitive and have difficulty adjusting to new people and situations; a difficulty that is about emotional adjustment...'

And, lately I find my self feeling more like how I was when I was a teenager and coped much better with my anxiety.

To make this short: I believe that because this 'illness' is already about fears that we are not adequate enough and too strange and do not fit in -things like a shame about how we are different and a lack of sense of how we do fit in -are big factors driving our self-conciousness and anxiety.

And I have been finding that I was smarter when I was younger. That eventhough I had the same dependency and insecurity about adjusting to others and -along with this- a high emotional sensitivity (to outer stimuli), this characteristic that made me stand-out did not make me feel as strange or as ashamed as I have felt when I have faced a bigger world and been overwhelmed by others and their possible ways of judging who I am.

In short: I really believe that the shame about being different that drives social anxiety (really 'social anxiety' is all about an insecurity and doubt as to how and whether one fits in with others) is first and foremost about how good a person is at defining who they think they are in the world of people.

Eventhough high sensitivity and shyness do play a big part in social anxiety -it is shame about this and how we are different that makes us feel that how we are different is something that is unnaceptable. And in fighting our self we actually make something that is a personal weakness much bigger than it has to be and even really is already.

So I believe that finding a better way of defining who one is and what is important will be a big help.
This means listening to your psychiatrist, therapist, etc, but only from the position whereby you listen and trust your own opinion about who you think you are.
But relying on others to accept us and tell us that we are fine can make a person who is unique and different feel that their problem is bigger than it is and then it becomes bigger than it is. We get into a vicious circle because some quirk that makes us unique became a much bigger problem because -like everyone else on the planet- we look to others to accept us and to tell us who we are.
...This sets a person up so that once they lose emotional control or status with others, this fear of loss gets even bigger.

Forget other peoples' definition of yourself: this is not confidence. Listen to your therapists, listen to others and notice their reactions or impressions of you -and trust your own voice and your own opinion.
Observe that the only reason why you feel rejected by others is because you depend on others to tell you who you are.
...What the hell do other people know?!!!!! ...Many of them are just as dependent upon fitting-in and pleasing others in order to feel secure and to 'know who they are'.

And ask your self whether you honeslty believe that 'social anxiety' is really such a horrible thing. -Put the problem into your own words so that you have your own sense of who you are with respect to this problem.
Shame about who you are and how you are different IS social anxiety.
Is it really so bad to be emotionally reactive and sensitive? And eventhough this characteristic exists -aren't you more than just your nervous reactions-? ...Is this the only thing that matters about who a person is-? And are these basic impressions and social graces the only aspects of what is means to be sociable and socially graceful?
...What about being a decent, interesting, thoughtful person?
And if people will reject you on the basis that you are nervous and overreact and can struggle in social situations -endeavour to base who you think you are on being more than such things. Then you will make these little things -and the problem you can have with them- much smaller.


Anyhow: I apologise if I sound preachy and as if I have it all figured out!
I am just going with what I think is needed.
I am kind of tired with having emotional problems and I really want to do something more with my life than sit around and deal with all my insecurities and neuroses....!
I hope the above isn't annoying. I am thinking out loud and trying to get to the heart of things.

 

[Tryin]

no, not anoying at all. keep thinking out loud, LittleMiss.

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Thanks Tryin',

...I just think that when you look at the doubts and issues we have with social anxiety/phobia -these are:-

- fear of negative judgements from others
- a deep and insecure need to be accepted (by the group)
- usually a fear that being sensitive/shy/etc is unnaceptable and makes us inferior

....basically, it is like a kind of inferiority complex that has a real element of shame. We deeply fear and are ashamed of things like being shy or sensitive. We are likely unusual (-which is neither good nor bad-) in some way ...mostly probably in that we are more sensitive, emotional, shy ...and probably because these characteristics are a bit more intense than those of others, we have in the past, felt these feelings very strongly and reacted very strongly.

...This reacting in a very sensitive way immediately has the effect of making us look different and feel different. We have felt ourselves as outsiders. And my thoughts here, are that in our society, characteristics like shyness, sensitivity and introversion are accepted in a similar way that femininity and feminine sexuality are accepted.

By this, I mean that in our society (and really it is just human nature) because the feminine characteristics of people are "second", we attach the label of 'weaker' and 'lesser' to these. ....Just as the feminine side of ourselves is repressed and labelled as 'bad' in society, shyness, sensitivity and introversion are all 'feminine' aspects of personality.

Just as shame can be associated with having a feminine sexuality (by this, I mean by having sensitivity and feelings of attachment in sex) - this is also true for all other aspects in which 'feminine' aspects of personality occur. ....In other words: there is 'the survival of the fittest'/'the strong conquer the weak' -that is programmed into us, both just in terms of our survival instincts and certainly also which is encouraged by the culture.
(Notice that more and more people are succumbing to "mental illness"-? ...THis is because society is 'out of balance' and the division between people -always the "strong" and the "weak"- is more exaggerated.)

So, what I am saying is that already we unthinkingly and unconciously associate negative, inferior qualities to things like 'shyness', 'sensitivity' and 'introversion'. And because we experience these aspects of ourselves intensely -this means we feel and believe ourselves to be 'really weak', 'really inferior' ...in other words, shame and not just feelings of inadequacy are what we suffer from. And this sets-up that massive hurdle that we feel ourselves to have -that feeling and belief that we are truly so strange and inferior to other people.

In other words, we have the task of really working to change how we view what it is to be shy, sensitive, introverted,...etc...

And one really really really important step in getting from point A to point B, is us trusting and believing in our own self -our 'normalising' ourselves.
The problem is that if we see ourselves as having a mental illness -whereby we attach a feeling of negativity about such a thing (note: that part is important) then this simply continues the very problem in the first place. ....The problem is that we have already convinced ourselves that we are flawed and inferior. ...We have done this by passively and unthinkingly following the 'rules' of society -by following the pack mentality which really only runs by one rule: 'the strong conquer the weak'.

Just like we are continuosly looking for others to accept and approve of us. If a person has a characteristic that makes them stand-out from others and this characteristic is 'feminine' -by which I mean it is non-dominant as a trait- the more they have this, the more they feel different and the greater the desire -and need- to be accepted.
....Yet, it is this relying on others to accept us, to tell Me who I am, this need for approval that -especially with a person who experiences and feels emotions intensely and therefore also in extremes- all of this sets us up to very quickly, and strongly, experience rejection, judgement, and the feeling and belief that we are inadequate, strange and flawed.

Basically, personality wise we are more at an extreme and we quickly fall off our balance and experience being out of sinc with others and get into what is a vicious circle -a smaller hurdle became a bigger hurdle fairly quickly and a lot of effort is needed to change our values about things like 'introversion'.

And the really important step in being able to feel confidence about being different -because there is NO OTHER WAY for us to enable ourselves the ability and confidence to adapt and adjust to those who are different to us- ...is to trust our own point of view for once -instead of continuing to give so very much attention and credibility to the values, opinions, beliefs and thoughts of others.

IT IS RELYING ON SOCIETY AND OTHER PEOPLE TO TELL US WHO WE ARE AND WHAT IS "ACCEPTABLE" THAT IS WHY WE NOW ARE GIVEN -BY SOCIETY AGAIN- THE LABEL OF BEING SOCIALLY PHOBIC.
THe opposite of fear and phobia are love and confidence ...so it's fairly self-evident that listening to one's own voice and placing the most trust in this is what true confidence is.

We have only become outcasts because we ask -we beg!- society to accept us. But even "society" to some extent actually reacts to our own example. ...Society is like 'God' and it is like a genie in a bottle in that it follows our lead always to some extent.
....If proof is needed: we WANT acceptance from others -and WANTING acceptance is exactly what we get.
So look how reactive, bending and easily effected enough 'society' is.

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

A few more observations I want to make are...

-that similar to 'social anxiety' being a fear about fitting-in and self-definition, for me also I notice a real control-freak/insecurity aspect to me that goes with this.
At least, this is control freak side to me exists regarding people and emotions.

This controlling aspect, the need to be familiar with and to control situations and my anxiety, period, are all aspects of personality that both me and my relatives with anxiety share with one another.

And this controlling side is a big part of the anxiety, because it is about feeling a strong need to be secure and in control. And to 'prepare' for what is unpredictable.

Along with this, my tendency to analyse is in fact part of my anxiety.

Yet I notice that my analytical nature and my sensitivity are not purely bad: they are equally good. Just as an anxiety problem is 'bad', yet some of this anxiety is 'good'; or, that excessive shyness and sensitivity may be 'bad', yet a degree of such things can certainly be 'good'.

My solution so far, is to notice the 'bad' aspects of my analysing and it's need to control and to see how this is in fact what creates much of my difficulties.

I am choosing to do this as well as trying to develop what is called 'mindfulness' (eg: meditation, and 'emptying the mind of thoughts'). I understand that mindfulness is the same as 'perspective', and is opposite to the ability to focus and concentrate -ie: which in an excessive and unbalanced degree become obsessive over focusing, such as what is behind my inability to let go of thoughts that I do not wish to have.

Also, the method of putting all my faith into 'smiling' -is actually great, since this means that there is no great mystery to solve, and placing my trust in such a simple strategy means that there exists no great unknown for me to be fearful of!!!!!!

You see, anxiety comes from my wanting to control things so much.
But what if this very need to 'master' situations and my self is by its nature already insecurity....? ....What I remember from my past experiences is that 'giving up' control is the only way to actually attain control; but that the more I grasp at controlling what I want, the more what I want slips away from me.

So this is what I am noticing:- that the solution to this problem may indeed be much simpler than the problem it self. That it does not need to be complicated -and that complicating things is part of my problem to begin with.

Also, this strategy of noticing and giving up my tendency/need to control things, applies to my 'buiding-up' situations that I fear. How I enter them often primed as if I am going into a boxing match -that is- how I make anxiety my enemy. ....'What you resist persists, but what you look at disappears' is what the spiritualists say ... so this subtle thought, that is about demonizing my shyness and sensitivity (which have become anxiety over time) makes my shyness and sensitivity balloon out to become 'social anxiety'. ...Unconciously, shyness and sensitivity have become monsters in my mind because I dealt with my nervousness by 'fighting' it. Yet this method of 'fearing fear' is the definition of an anxiety illness. (In other words, my perceptions of anxiety are no different from all 'normal' people -but because the level of emotion that I have is stronger, dealing with my anxiety in the same way creates more of it, instead of controlling it as it does for others)

In this way, an anxiety sufferer is separated from an ordinary person with an average and manageable level of anxiety, only in that for the anxiety sufferer, the level of emotional sensitivity is slightly greater, so that they lose their balance and perspective more easily and with less stress. -I say this because I believe that the difference need not be by much, and yet a relatively small difference is enough to blow their world out of perspective.

(....This -I believe- fact, is evidenced by other peoples' behaviour towards us. Small differences in personalities create the need for prejudice and judgement -ie: fear. But if differences in personality are big enough, you may notice that people can accept another person's flaws; eg: a physically handicapped person or a person with down syndrome will rarely be descriminated against by others. People tend to attack only people who are similar enough to themselves. ....And this is also in-line with the sense of shame we feel, trying so much to fit-in with others -and yet, following the crowd and it's ways is what makes us outsiders.)

...Anyhow, that's mostly what I've been thinking of recently.

The other is that, my feeling more like I did when I was younger I believe means that I am feeling more confident of who I am. That I am able to feel how I my self fit in, so that others judgements -including the label of having a mental illness - are less able to injure my self esteem.
And that going through the unpleasantness of facing others negative judgments is helping me to see through and disbelieve these, whilst believing in my own definition of my self.
In other words: I can accept that I have a problem, but see it in terms of what is good that goes with it; simply because I am more confident about defining who I am on my own terms.