Mitch
New member
Hi. New to this forum as you can see. If honest, new to SA. Learned of its existence approx' 4 weeks ago. Then & only then did I realise I wasn't "going mad" or "mad" even.
When I came across a site detailing many of my feelings & emotions, I printed it out. With the hard copy in front of me I read it over & over again, and with each read I felt lighter & dare I say it, happier. In all my 35 years of life, I can never remember crying so much or so freely as I did then reading those 6 pages. With every line I was reading "me". In it I saw every party I hovered near the exits, every lonely night I sat alone, every face I saw sad at my behaviour or mannerisms. I saw every friend that came & went, every tear I shed because I couldn't get across I was & am a nice gentle loving bloke, instead of this rude, quiet, reserved, creepy loner I saw people saw of me. So many years of my life are simply sad periods of time for me.
In those pages I basically saw my life, & at that very moment I knew I wasn't alone, or weird, or strange, or fucked up.
Since then I've seen my GP & I already have an appointment with a psychologist on the 24th of this month. In a very weird sort of way I guess, I'm looking forward to it. Is it the beginning of an end? A cure? or maybe more of a solution, an understanding for me of myself.
Now don't get me wrong here, I have had 2 very important relationships in my life. Both gave me children whom I love and adore. The joy I've felt with my children is simply hard to write of. Until 2yrs ago I've worked all my adult life, albeit a struggle. Yes I've had 3 periods in hospital "due" to my depression, & all the fukt up medications & diagnoses that come from mental health instituitions. I've always been labelled as a "depressive". Thats been hard but bearable, but inside me I knew it wasn't quite right. Even when 2yrs ago I seriously tried to take my life, but was aha! foiled by an over zealous hotel room cleaner, even then in hospital I was just earmarked as depressed & therefore needed new medication, another counsellor plus a CBT one in tandem. And even then, I knew & felt they were wrong, & my objections to their diagnosis & treatment of me were voiced but all ignored.
Since then I have been unable to form new friendships or relationships. Why would I! I'd only be misunderstood & shat on, so it's been better for me to become invisible, lock my front door and wallow in my own transparency to people & the world.
I don't have a bad bone in my body yet I'm treated with a curious degree of distance & rudeness. It's fucking soul destroying it truely is. And through these last few years I've discovered 2 people, yes just 2, who have never judged me, berated me or ignored me. They call themselves my friends & I also call them my friends. I love & cherish our friendship yet I'm always in a state of despair at the thought of losing it. About five times a year I go to their weekly house party of only a few (10-20) people, music & alcohol etc, & every single fucking time I find myself away from the group, near an exit, away from the fun. I totally lose the power of speech, seriously, I cannot talk if asked anything. I feel & always have felt that they (whoever they are) have to think I'm a rude fucker. I cannot even make small talk in an environment of friendship ffs. I don't join in, don't talk, so I think every negative thought in my head about myself is theirs and justified. I look around for help & guage my behaviour by the look of my 2 friends. I know people there ask about me as I always hear "thats Mitch that is, he's cool, tell you what, he's one loyal fucker aye, just gotta get to know him". I feel like they are always defending me to the group. So hours pass, & I sweat through all them, flit between the main outside door to freedom & the dreaded perimeter of smiling happy people inside. My visits to the toilet not only relieve my bladder but also allow me the ability to sit for 10 minutes to calm myself down from the torture downstairs, tick tok tik tock. And as people leave & the group dwindles in number to 3 or 4, I'd enter the room with ease to join in & at the same time feel the opposite to every negative emotion I'd had of the previous (x?) hours. I'd be calm & happy. Yet through all this, if everyone there knew that my behaviour of distancing myself from them, & my silence of voice was in no way rude or weird or strange, and they accepted that, then I'd be happy as a pig in shit. Two weeks ago I managed to go to a club here in Cardiff with them. I shocked myself. For years I've been asked but declined, making excuses not to go etc. But this 1 night I did go. For just 3 hours I stayed there. swapping between 10 minutes inside the club, then 20 minutes outside in the glorious fresh air away from all the people and their attitudes towards me. It was a really big thing for me. I was proud of myself as were my 2 friends.
Anyway, I'm rambling a lot I suppose, but feels good to get it out.
Why do I feel as I do around friends in their home, yet I'm happy as shit at a festival with 30.000 people there? I feel invisible if nobody there knows me, anonymous in numbers.
Why do I stare at my ringing phone, unable to answer? yet perfectly fine using text messages.
When the postman does his thing, I always wait til he's gone a few extra houses before picking my own up from my floor in my gaff!
When spoken to by women, I clam up, voicing the occasional "ug" yet every part of me wishing I could talk with ease.
I fucking hate being like this!
I spent a few years abusing alcohol. I enjoyed the "freedom" of thought it gave me, yet I always drank at home away from people and their judgements of me. Home is & always has been comforting, easy, my sanctuary I guess.
I have to admit my childhood was a sad one. My adolescence was spent in "care". I felt this way then I guess.
What do I exclude from this post, when I have hours & hours of things to say & add.
Sat here now writing this, I'm looking forward to the long wet walk home, to feel safe again, & to sit my arse in front of the TV all evening. Is there an alternative for people like me? Bloody hope so.
I'd love to be "sociable" as others are, they're so lucky. But for now, I console myself that I have just 14 days to go before I see the new psychologist. 14 days left before I'm told (hopefully) that yes indeed I do suffer from SA. An answer, a reason, something tangible for me to start understanding myself with. Answers to why I lose the ability of speech, why I sweat when stressed, headaches, dry mouth, insomnia, panic, shaking, racing heart,,,,,,, the list goes on!!!!!
I'm (atm) holding a bottle containing only five pills of a tablet called MODITEN 1mg. My GP prescribed them this week & said take 1 at times of stress! I've not taken any before, but wanting to as I need to enter a shop to buy coffee later. This cant be a good way to live. Tablets just to get to a shop & anti-depressants to try to feel whatever the fuck normal is. I refuse valium for my own reasons but hey hey! they're always offered!
So, I'll check in here next few days, maybe next week. Gives me a reason to get out.
Understanding, patience, love & care is all I want. Doesn't everyone.
Apologies for this rambling post & for it's placement if the wrong forum.
MITCH
Peace XXX
When I came across a site detailing many of my feelings & emotions, I printed it out. With the hard copy in front of me I read it over & over again, and with each read I felt lighter & dare I say it, happier. In all my 35 years of life, I can never remember crying so much or so freely as I did then reading those 6 pages. With every line I was reading "me". In it I saw every party I hovered near the exits, every lonely night I sat alone, every face I saw sad at my behaviour or mannerisms. I saw every friend that came & went, every tear I shed because I couldn't get across I was & am a nice gentle loving bloke, instead of this rude, quiet, reserved, creepy loner I saw people saw of me. So many years of my life are simply sad periods of time for me.
In those pages I basically saw my life, & at that very moment I knew I wasn't alone, or weird, or strange, or fucked up.
Since then I've seen my GP & I already have an appointment with a psychologist on the 24th of this month. In a very weird sort of way I guess, I'm looking forward to it. Is it the beginning of an end? A cure? or maybe more of a solution, an understanding for me of myself.
Now don't get me wrong here, I have had 2 very important relationships in my life. Both gave me children whom I love and adore. The joy I've felt with my children is simply hard to write of. Until 2yrs ago I've worked all my adult life, albeit a struggle. Yes I've had 3 periods in hospital "due" to my depression, & all the fukt up medications & diagnoses that come from mental health instituitions. I've always been labelled as a "depressive". Thats been hard but bearable, but inside me I knew it wasn't quite right. Even when 2yrs ago I seriously tried to take my life, but was aha! foiled by an over zealous hotel room cleaner, even then in hospital I was just earmarked as depressed & therefore needed new medication, another counsellor plus a CBT one in tandem. And even then, I knew & felt they were wrong, & my objections to their diagnosis & treatment of me were voiced but all ignored.
Since then I have been unable to form new friendships or relationships. Why would I! I'd only be misunderstood & shat on, so it's been better for me to become invisible, lock my front door and wallow in my own transparency to people & the world.
I don't have a bad bone in my body yet I'm treated with a curious degree of distance & rudeness. It's fucking soul destroying it truely is. And through these last few years I've discovered 2 people, yes just 2, who have never judged me, berated me or ignored me. They call themselves my friends & I also call them my friends. I love & cherish our friendship yet I'm always in a state of despair at the thought of losing it. About five times a year I go to their weekly house party of only a few (10-20) people, music & alcohol etc, & every single fucking time I find myself away from the group, near an exit, away from the fun. I totally lose the power of speech, seriously, I cannot talk if asked anything. I feel & always have felt that they (whoever they are) have to think I'm a rude fucker. I cannot even make small talk in an environment of friendship ffs. I don't join in, don't talk, so I think every negative thought in my head about myself is theirs and justified. I look around for help & guage my behaviour by the look of my 2 friends. I know people there ask about me as I always hear "thats Mitch that is, he's cool, tell you what, he's one loyal fucker aye, just gotta get to know him". I feel like they are always defending me to the group. So hours pass, & I sweat through all them, flit between the main outside door to freedom & the dreaded perimeter of smiling happy people inside. My visits to the toilet not only relieve my bladder but also allow me the ability to sit for 10 minutes to calm myself down from the torture downstairs, tick tok tik tock. And as people leave & the group dwindles in number to 3 or 4, I'd enter the room with ease to join in & at the same time feel the opposite to every negative emotion I'd had of the previous (x?) hours. I'd be calm & happy. Yet through all this, if everyone there knew that my behaviour of distancing myself from them, & my silence of voice was in no way rude or weird or strange, and they accepted that, then I'd be happy as a pig in shit. Two weeks ago I managed to go to a club here in Cardiff with them. I shocked myself. For years I've been asked but declined, making excuses not to go etc. But this 1 night I did go. For just 3 hours I stayed there. swapping between 10 minutes inside the club, then 20 minutes outside in the glorious fresh air away from all the people and their attitudes towards me. It was a really big thing for me. I was proud of myself as were my 2 friends.
Anyway, I'm rambling a lot I suppose, but feels good to get it out.
Why do I feel as I do around friends in their home, yet I'm happy as shit at a festival with 30.000 people there? I feel invisible if nobody there knows me, anonymous in numbers.
Why do I stare at my ringing phone, unable to answer? yet perfectly fine using text messages.
When the postman does his thing, I always wait til he's gone a few extra houses before picking my own up from my floor in my gaff!
When spoken to by women, I clam up, voicing the occasional "ug" yet every part of me wishing I could talk with ease.
I fucking hate being like this!
I spent a few years abusing alcohol. I enjoyed the "freedom" of thought it gave me, yet I always drank at home away from people and their judgements of me. Home is & always has been comforting, easy, my sanctuary I guess.
I have to admit my childhood was a sad one. My adolescence was spent in "care". I felt this way then I guess.
What do I exclude from this post, when I have hours & hours of things to say & add.
Sat here now writing this, I'm looking forward to the long wet walk home, to feel safe again, & to sit my arse in front of the TV all evening. Is there an alternative for people like me? Bloody hope so.
I'd love to be "sociable" as others are, they're so lucky. But for now, I console myself that I have just 14 days to go before I see the new psychologist. 14 days left before I'm told (hopefully) that yes indeed I do suffer from SA. An answer, a reason, something tangible for me to start understanding myself with. Answers to why I lose the ability of speech, why I sweat when stressed, headaches, dry mouth, insomnia, panic, shaking, racing heart,,,,,,, the list goes on!!!!!
I'm (atm) holding a bottle containing only five pills of a tablet called MODITEN 1mg. My GP prescribed them this week & said take 1 at times of stress! I've not taken any before, but wanting to as I need to enter a shop to buy coffee later. This cant be a good way to live. Tablets just to get to a shop & anti-depressants to try to feel whatever the fuck normal is. I refuse valium for my own reasons but hey hey! they're always offered!
So, I'll check in here next few days, maybe next week. Gives me a reason to get out.
Understanding, patience, love & care is all I want. Doesn't everyone.
Apologies for this rambling post & for it's placement if the wrong forum.
MITCH
Peace XXX
