rejection armor

[Vincent]

It has occured to me, and probably not for the first time,

that...

the only way to get through SA is exposure and non avoidance. The trouble is that with limited social skills and the mind freeze that accompanies angst, there is going to be a hell of a lot of rejection to get there.

How does one armour against rejection? I get rejected every day. I study Chinese with international students. Japanese, Malaysian, Europeans, they look through me. Why? I try hard, then get rejected, then sink into my shell, then come back, rejection. Maybe I'm overestimating the rejection. But, when I make deliberate eye contact with some one and attempt to smile. Then if there is no flicker of response, then perhaps that is rejection.

I fret I look too tough, with green cargos and a skull cap, muscle shirts. I don't aim to intimidate, but its easier to take rejection when you tell yourself its because they are scared.

What is the cost to me to be continually rejected, how hard it is to maintain a self esteem, when other's don't have esteem for you.

The only thing is to take smaller steps than the ones I take. Remind myself continually that I have SA, and that I am working to get through it. My plight is relative, as needs to be my progress. My aspirations are beyond loniliness, the cost is rejection. How we learn is through mistakes, this holds true with people. The pain from mistakes with people is real and intense. Do we develop a callous around our hearts from continually taking damage. What is the cost of that?

 

[Ddarko]

I think we do need to learn to deal with rejection, but for people who are shy or with sa/sp I think we often perceive rejection when it's not actually there. If you make eye contact and theres no flicker of response, I'd say that doesn't necessarily mean anything at all. I know what you're saying, I sometimes over analyze the situation also, but my best moments have come when I simply stop caring and just say what I want to say without paying attention to those things.

 

[redlady]

I learned from therapy that i need to expose myself to social situations all the time everyday - relentlessly face my fears to make improvemnets. But the paradox for me is that in order for me to be able to do that i need a modicum of self esteem of which i have none. And in order to get that self esteem i need to face my fears.
I sure know that my heart has not developed a callous from taking hit after hit - if anything my protective outershell has been worn away and now i have nothing to protect me, i am vulnerable and every hit i have to endure stings incredibly no matter how small the strike. If anything those strikes/rejections simply act to confirm all the crap i feel about myself rather than helping me to better myself. And yes after having said all that i will say that it can't be that hopeless - even i cannot believe that - it must get better, it has to. We were able to be conditioned to be this way in the first place - why can't we be conditioned to be another way.

 

[Hope_so]

The pain from mistakes with people is real and intense.

Well you (we) make it real and intense. We shouldn't.

About facing the fear.. I don't believe in it.
I don't think we fear rejection, I think we fear the pain we inflict ourselves after the rejection. Don't we?

 

[Lonelyheart]

In some ways I feel ambivalence about dating. I fear rejection, but I also fear acceptance. If I'm rejected, my self-esteem will decrease and I will not have the oportunity to be with the lady I wanted to be with. But, if I'm accepted, I will have to deal with the anxiety of going on a date and the lady I'm interested will eventually find out about all my social phobia.
I'm 24 and I've never been on a date, so it would be very akward for me to go out with someone. I would have no idea what to do if a lady accepted my request.