theslowesthand
Banned
Just had a rage-attack. Threw plank to floor in their house. Smashed some plastic rubbsih with a hammer (i was working on some wood planks). All it took was dad did sth i disagreed with, i told him, & he immedatly walked off (he cant take ANY critsism WHATSOEVER), and of course mum sided with him - thereby (this mum-dad tag-team combo-attack) triggereing my violent temper-tantrum. I think maybe we "bounce-off" each others dysfuctions (my ability to anger people easy & their violent ego-defenses; the perfect "violent argument" or whatever it is that i experienced with them today). It really REALLY sucks when i have these outbursts. But seems beyong my control. The rage i guess has been building silently, below my awareness, due to some big changes in my life, so guess was only a matter of time. Its a very good thing i dont have access to a gun, for the rare times when i get like i am now (the rage just knd of "takes me over" - maybe is my "pain-body" in psycho-analysis terms). But my parents are "angry" types, both having violent/quick tempers, and dad has always had a violent temper, as i witnessed many times in the past; so maybe am stuck with this, due to genetics. F*cked parents, f*cked children. Not good.
Am "on the grog" now .. maybe thats the problem - that i havent had any alcohol for several months, so had no aggro outlets.
This rage is probably signifying that my emotional life is really screwed-up, really crap (& always has been). Speaking of parents, i think mine are WAY more "dysfunctional" than they usually let on. They both constantly DENY heaps of stuff - such as their anger issues. They just have a SUPER-STRICT AVOIDANCE of thinking or talking about it (& GOD HELP anyone who tries to confront them about it, or any of their other problems). But yep, they really truly are f*cked-up proper, emotionally-wise - basket-case if you ask me. And they've had a VERY bad influence on my life, albeit in subtle, insiduous, year-in-year-out sort of way. My life is and has always been, an ABSOLUTE F*CKING DULL BORING PIECE OF CR*P, right from day one. And now that i've been making some pretty major changes in my life (de-cluttering my house, "letting go" of many of my "house-friends", making my house "practical" to live in for a change, etc - which is probably why my rage had built-up this last week) ... i've been thinking that i might as well "go the whole hog" & give my whole stinking, cra*ppy f*cking life a massive makeover. F*ck security & safety, you only live once, & i've WASTED my whole life really, in emotional/spiritual terms. I'm feel like cr*p at the moment (these last several days) due to change (change upsets me greatly), sort of "lost the plot", lost all/most motivation (which seems to be tied-in with stability for me?).
But i think i can "survive" these massive changes, by doing some "powerful" things, "protector-things" if you will. Such as music-booze sessions, which i havent been doing this last year/so much at all.
And back with parents, & change, i think MAYBE what i NEED to do, for my spiritual evolution & what-not, MIGHT be to DISTANCE myself from them. I've been thinking that for a number of years now. Basically they CRAMP MY STYLE in pretty major way. They're repressed & supressed, strict, narrow-minded, intolerant, poor sense of humour, etc, etc, etc. Basically in terms of being role-models, they're like the anti-matter of matter, about the absolute furtherest away possible in their various traits from my ideal role models. They've always been a key element in my life that seriously held me back - maybe the main reason why i'm emotionally stunted?? (ie not my SA/Aspergers/OCPD/...). For example, they disallow ANY DISCUSSION AT ALL of emotional issues, let alone actually WORKING on their emotional problems (which they probably due to their represseion believe they have none). But of course, to their relatives, & to society, they are just "average Joes", balanced, normal, no real issues, etc. Oh what a perfect "solid" fascade they portray!. If they are cr*p at most things, then the thing one thing they are actually good at may be that - the ability to "meld-in with the flock"; which allows all flaws they have to "disappear". Oh the joys of deception to self & others!. They're PERFECT HUMAN SPECIMENS!. As perfect (except for looks maybe!) as such fine celebrity specimens such as Jessica Alba?. Sheep CAN be perfect, who says they can't?. EVERYONE deserves to be perfect, at least character-wise. That's the beauty of NOT having SA/.. disorders - no issues with: self-delusion, avoidance/repression (not confronting) of problems, completely ignoring their deeper aspects (spiritual/consciousness).
They're "old", & not just in the age-sense. Safe/familiar hidden/insiduous dysfunction. The safest people on earth for me, as well as the most detrimental. But i keep forgiving them, again and again and again (& probably same for them also). I guess i'm stuck with them for life (until they die that is). I don't hate them, but they've kinda f*cked me up, and they seem totally ignorant about this.
Am "on the grog" now .. maybe thats the problem - that i havent had any alcohol for several months, so had no aggro outlets.
This rage is probably signifying that my emotional life is really screwed-up, really crap (& always has been). Speaking of parents, i think mine are WAY more "dysfunctional" than they usually let on. They both constantly DENY heaps of stuff - such as their anger issues. They just have a SUPER-STRICT AVOIDANCE of thinking or talking about it (& GOD HELP anyone who tries to confront them about it, or any of their other problems). But yep, they really truly are f*cked-up proper, emotionally-wise - basket-case if you ask me. And they've had a VERY bad influence on my life, albeit in subtle, insiduous, year-in-year-out sort of way. My life is and has always been, an ABSOLUTE F*CKING DULL BORING PIECE OF CR*P, right from day one. And now that i've been making some pretty major changes in my life (de-cluttering my house, "letting go" of many of my "house-friends", making my house "practical" to live in for a change, etc - which is probably why my rage had built-up this last week) ... i've been thinking that i might as well "go the whole hog" & give my whole stinking, cra*ppy f*cking life a massive makeover. F*ck security & safety, you only live once, & i've WASTED my whole life really, in emotional/spiritual terms. I'm feel like cr*p at the moment (these last several days) due to change (change upsets me greatly), sort of "lost the plot", lost all/most motivation (which seems to be tied-in with stability for me?).
But i think i can "survive" these massive changes, by doing some "powerful" things, "protector-things" if you will. Such as music-booze sessions, which i havent been doing this last year/so much at all.
And back with parents, & change, i think MAYBE what i NEED to do, for my spiritual evolution & what-not, MIGHT be to DISTANCE myself from them. I've been thinking that for a number of years now. Basically they CRAMP MY STYLE in pretty major way. They're repressed & supressed, strict, narrow-minded, intolerant, poor sense of humour, etc, etc, etc. Basically in terms of being role-models, they're like the anti-matter of matter, about the absolute furtherest away possible in their various traits from my ideal role models. They've always been a key element in my life that seriously held me back - maybe the main reason why i'm emotionally stunted?? (ie not my SA/Aspergers/OCPD/...). For example, they disallow ANY DISCUSSION AT ALL of emotional issues, let alone actually WORKING on their emotional problems (which they probably due to their represseion believe they have none). But of course, to their relatives, & to society, they are just "average Joes", balanced, normal, no real issues, etc. Oh what a perfect "solid" fascade they portray!. If they are cr*p at most things, then the thing one thing they are actually good at may be that - the ability to "meld-in with the flock"; which allows all flaws they have to "disappear". Oh the joys of deception to self & others!. They're PERFECT HUMAN SPECIMENS!. As perfect (except for looks maybe!) as such fine celebrity specimens such as Jessica Alba?. Sheep CAN be perfect, who says they can't?. EVERYONE deserves to be perfect, at least character-wise. That's the beauty of NOT having SA/.. disorders - no issues with: self-delusion, avoidance/repression (not confronting) of problems, completely ignoring their deeper aspects (spiritual/consciousness).
They're "old", & not just in the age-sense. Safe/familiar hidden/insiduous dysfunction. The safest people on earth for me, as well as the most detrimental. But i keep forgiving them, again and again and again (& probably same for them also). I guess i'm stuck with them for life (until they die that is). I don't hate them, but they've kinda f*cked me up, and they seem totally ignorant about this.
Last edited: