theslowesthand
Banned
This is something I have struggled with for most of my life. Usually I try to keep as mentally busy as possible, probably so that I don't feel "uneasy" or "bored" or whatever. But today I have been thinking about my thoughts, not feelings. The feelings are the result, the thoughts are the cause. So it's "right" that I should be thinking about thoughts when trying to uncover the problems I have with my feelings.
It seems like my NTs (negative thoughts) are constantly "lying in wait", ready at a moment's notice to BURST-OUT and ATTACK whatever they deem needs to be attacked. Often I don't even know WHAT they are or consist of, just that they are negative, heavy/morbid, & have somewhat of an aggressive feel to them. Often I just have vague sense of discontent, irritation, criticising, or even anger. Very subtle thoughts/feelings, but there notheless. And the fact that they don't seem to have any notable conscious "content" (ie I can't very seldom extract the words or even thoughts), makes me think that this is a subconscious thing. I'm certainly not consciously thinking those thoughts/whatever, but they just seem to appear "out of the blue", and all the time (most of every day).
So it is a constant battle for me keep "batting" those NTs down, and I suppose it does drain my energy quite a lot.
I'll be the first to admit that i'm a "very negative person". I can be also "very positive" (amidst the barrage of my NTs), such as being creative. But I think that any positivity is only ever momentary. Maybe I have some sort "bipolar" thing?.
And it very much, of course, affects my people relations. People can sense my negativity & inner violence "a mile off". I try to be nice, polite, etc, but my body language portrays an ENTIRELY different story - I most probably seem like a "mad man" or "monster" to most people, even my parents (& I have been called such names in the past to reflect this). Mum & dad have a bit of this "feistiness" or whatever in them, but not to the extent I have it, and they get along absolutely fine with people. So it's not so much genetics, but it's me - my upbringing, experiences, thoughts & feelings (& maybe disorders).
Although I would like to be hopeful, I seriously doubt there is a cure for this "condition". Basically, I think that my brain/mind/subconscious is f***ed for good. But I guess only the future knows for sure the truth about that. So for many many many more years to come, this rat will remain stuck in it's cage......
It seems like my NTs (negative thoughts) are constantly "lying in wait", ready at a moment's notice to BURST-OUT and ATTACK whatever they deem needs to be attacked. Often I don't even know WHAT they are or consist of, just that they are negative, heavy/morbid, & have somewhat of an aggressive feel to them. Often I just have vague sense of discontent, irritation, criticising, or even anger. Very subtle thoughts/feelings, but there notheless. And the fact that they don't seem to have any notable conscious "content" (ie I can't very seldom extract the words or even thoughts), makes me think that this is a subconscious thing. I'm certainly not consciously thinking those thoughts/whatever, but they just seem to appear "out of the blue", and all the time (most of every day).
So it is a constant battle for me keep "batting" those NTs down, and I suppose it does drain my energy quite a lot.
I'll be the first to admit that i'm a "very negative person". I can be also "very positive" (amidst the barrage of my NTs), such as being creative. But I think that any positivity is only ever momentary. Maybe I have some sort "bipolar" thing?.
And it very much, of course, affects my people relations. People can sense my negativity & inner violence "a mile off". I try to be nice, polite, etc, but my body language portrays an ENTIRELY different story - I most probably seem like a "mad man" or "monster" to most people, even my parents (& I have been called such names in the past to reflect this). Mum & dad have a bit of this "feistiness" or whatever in them, but not to the extent I have it, and they get along absolutely fine with people. So it's not so much genetics, but it's me - my upbringing, experiences, thoughts & feelings (& maybe disorders).
Although I would like to be hopeful, I seriously doubt there is a cure for this "condition". Basically, I think that my brain/mind/subconscious is f***ed for good. But I guess only the future knows for sure the truth about that. So for many many many more years to come, this rat will remain stuck in it's cage......
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