socrates
New member
Well, I don't think I've ever really posted anything, but I have been reading about SA for a little over 6 months now. About 2 years ago, I had my first panic attack while attending college. I've always avoided giving presentations, etc. if possible. I dropped classes if a speech popped up on the syllabus. That has always been a factor in my life, but in high school I was the class clown. I was the center of attention most of the time, just never in front of the class giving a speech.
I think deep down it involves my fear of embarrassment, which in turn has lead to what is, in my mind, undoubtedly social anxiety. Anyway, I had my first panic attack in class one day and just had to leave. My doctor prescribed me xanax as needed and I just went on about my life. I eventually started to feel more and more 'awkward' in certain social situations. The only one that really stood out at that time in my life was having to stand in line at the post office, because at the time I was selling a lot of items on E-bay and had to do that frequently. I often found myself having these 'weird' feelings and just wanting to get out of the line.
Then, I went through a phase where I really hated to eat in front of others. I would constantly find myself feeling like I might choke, and it would create very awkward moments in front of even my closest friends and family.
I was eventually able to get most of this under control. I never knew about social anxiety. This all changed when my life started getting very stressful. My best friend and boss at the time left, causing me to have another supervisor, but at the time, I had no problems socializing with him or anyone else for that matter. It wasn't until the possibility of losing that job and having to get a new one came into play that my most troubling side effect began. Suddenly, I'd feel the urge to cry coming on during conversations that seemed to extend past my comfort zone. This was very strange for me, being male, and being one who is generally the guy who is always 'joking around.'
I left my job for what I thought was a better opportunity - more pay, etc. I explained to my new boss what I was going through and she seemed sympathetic. I avoided making trips where my position would require me to present things - this would cause my 'normal' self to be anxious, but for the 'new' me, it was downright impossible. Hell, I couldn't even really talk to one individual that I didn't feel comfortable with (at that time, anyone outside of my friends and family) for an extended period of time without the anxiety rearing its ugly head.
Suddenly, three months into my job, I'm fired. This was December. As you can imagine, the depression was full force, and as luck would have it, so was the anxiety. Now that I'm starting to realize that I probably didn't belong in that job in the first place, I can feel the depression starting to lift, but the anxiety is as strong as ever. In fact, every time I avoid something, it becomes that much harder to face it once again.
I've had terrible trouble going with my wife to her doctor's appointments - we're expecting a baby in July. I had a panic attack in Best Buy - my first ever true attack since the one in class two years ago, and I find myself just generally avoiding all situations now.
I realize that this negative behavior is only causing me to sink deeper into a hole, but I can't for the life of me pin point why this has occurred. I do have a lot of emotional trama that occurred when I was a child - father going to prison at 10, etc. - but I felt like I had coped with that. I was attending college, had a great fiance, and was ready to take on the world. One day, it all goes to hell in a hand basket and two years later I'm 24, jobless, still 30 hours away from a complete degree, and unsure if I'll ever be able to just be myself again.
Sometimes I wish I was shy my entire life so I didn't know what it felt like to be the opposite. Sure, if I have a few beers, the 'real' me starts to come out, but I know the consequences of medicating with alcohol.
I had a family member give me some klonopin, which I was taking until about two weeks ago. I decided that I didn't want to take it for the rest of my life and that I had dealt with the anxiety for almost two years without medicating and was making progress.
Now, I'm trying to start small. I'm eating better, I'm exercising, and I'm focusing on a screen printing business I started a few years back that I never really had the time to make more of than my free time permitted.
My self diagnosis would be stress induced social anxiety with a long history of emotional suppression. Now, if I only knew how to fix it.
I apologize for the length of this. I'm really just looking for someone with the same situation. I can't even find someone with a similar one. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough. Maybe I'm not listening enough.
I'd love to hear from someone who went through a similar struggle but has overcome it through hard work and willpower. Being without health insurance really makes the nonmedication route an easy choice. I have to do something, especially with a baby on the way. It's a rough time when you worry about how you'll react having to sign your wife in at the hospital, etc., when its time for the birth. Three years ago, I would have probably flirted with the nurses on the way to the delivery room. Now, I imagine myself fleeing in terror.
I think deep down it involves my fear of embarrassment, which in turn has lead to what is, in my mind, undoubtedly social anxiety. Anyway, I had my first panic attack in class one day and just had to leave. My doctor prescribed me xanax as needed and I just went on about my life. I eventually started to feel more and more 'awkward' in certain social situations. The only one that really stood out at that time in my life was having to stand in line at the post office, because at the time I was selling a lot of items on E-bay and had to do that frequently. I often found myself having these 'weird' feelings and just wanting to get out of the line.
Then, I went through a phase where I really hated to eat in front of others. I would constantly find myself feeling like I might choke, and it would create very awkward moments in front of even my closest friends and family.
I was eventually able to get most of this under control. I never knew about social anxiety. This all changed when my life started getting very stressful. My best friend and boss at the time left, causing me to have another supervisor, but at the time, I had no problems socializing with him or anyone else for that matter. It wasn't until the possibility of losing that job and having to get a new one came into play that my most troubling side effect began. Suddenly, I'd feel the urge to cry coming on during conversations that seemed to extend past my comfort zone. This was very strange for me, being male, and being one who is generally the guy who is always 'joking around.'
I left my job for what I thought was a better opportunity - more pay, etc. I explained to my new boss what I was going through and she seemed sympathetic. I avoided making trips where my position would require me to present things - this would cause my 'normal' self to be anxious, but for the 'new' me, it was downright impossible. Hell, I couldn't even really talk to one individual that I didn't feel comfortable with (at that time, anyone outside of my friends and family) for an extended period of time without the anxiety rearing its ugly head.
Suddenly, three months into my job, I'm fired. This was December. As you can imagine, the depression was full force, and as luck would have it, so was the anxiety. Now that I'm starting to realize that I probably didn't belong in that job in the first place, I can feel the depression starting to lift, but the anxiety is as strong as ever. In fact, every time I avoid something, it becomes that much harder to face it once again.
I've had terrible trouble going with my wife to her doctor's appointments - we're expecting a baby in July. I had a panic attack in Best Buy - my first ever true attack since the one in class two years ago, and I find myself just generally avoiding all situations now.
I realize that this negative behavior is only causing me to sink deeper into a hole, but I can't for the life of me pin point why this has occurred. I do have a lot of emotional trama that occurred when I was a child - father going to prison at 10, etc. - but I felt like I had coped with that. I was attending college, had a great fiance, and was ready to take on the world. One day, it all goes to hell in a hand basket and two years later I'm 24, jobless, still 30 hours away from a complete degree, and unsure if I'll ever be able to just be myself again.
Sometimes I wish I was shy my entire life so I didn't know what it felt like to be the opposite. Sure, if I have a few beers, the 'real' me starts to come out, but I know the consequences of medicating with alcohol.
I had a family member give me some klonopin, which I was taking until about two weeks ago. I decided that I didn't want to take it for the rest of my life and that I had dealt with the anxiety for almost two years without medicating and was making progress.
Now, I'm trying to start small. I'm eating better, I'm exercising, and I'm focusing on a screen printing business I started a few years back that I never really had the time to make more of than my free time permitted.
My self diagnosis would be stress induced social anxiety with a long history of emotional suppression. Now, if I only knew how to fix it.
I apologize for the length of this. I'm really just looking for someone with the same situation. I can't even find someone with a similar one. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough. Maybe I'm not listening enough.
I'd love to hear from someone who went through a similar struggle but has overcome it through hard work and willpower. Being without health insurance really makes the nonmedication route an easy choice. I have to do something, especially with a baby on the way. It's a rough time when you worry about how you'll react having to sign your wife in at the hospital, etc., when its time for the birth. Three years ago, I would have probably flirted with the nurses on the way to the delivery room. Now, I imagine myself fleeing in terror.
