SacredClown
Active member
Here's a poem which pinpoints why i have such phobea about people and relationships. This happened to me last month.
The Ex-Lover
Today I received an Email from an ex-lover,
Someone from my dim, dark and murky past,
Misty memories of being together in her apartment
And mine
Of being in her bed
And mine;
Flashes of scenes sexual and erotic
First time glances of her nakedness,
Exposed breasts, thighs and fleshy buttocks,
Our bodies glistening and grinding together
Lost in lust,
And her moans of delicious passion,
Of better-than-average sex;
Then
other memories drift across my mind like a cloud against a clear sky,
Of arguments and rows over small things in real life;
Disagreements over musical taste and TV shows,
Going out and what to wear;
Opinions taken badly and disappointment in decisions made;
Bickering words becoming so violently hurtful
I found myself screaming “Enough! I’ve had it with you! I’m leaving! **** this ****!”
Only to be lead back again and again by self-doubt and the lure of mutual sexual ambrosia to quench my thirsty loneliness
until the day we finally break up for good.
Now 15 years later here she is claiming to be different,
Apologizing for being so out of control in her youth;
Now that she has found the Lord.
How could I know when I accepted her friendship again 5 months later she would prove how right I was about her when she publishes a racist-quasi-religious-anti-gay hate rant on my Facebook page
And blurting to the world her deep-seated bitter rage for me
Damaging my self-worth and my career;
And I understand finally the mistake she has always been;
Finally I see the red warning light that has been flashing since our very first date so many years ago
When she took an innocent joke wrong
And when she accused me of thinking she was ugly when it had never crossed my mind,
That I now delete her with the fury of a soldier conned into a warzone.
I imagine her execution with the click of a mouse, banning her forever.
Yeah, I’ve changed, too.
The Ex-Lover
Today I received an Email from an ex-lover,
Someone from my dim, dark and murky past,
Misty memories of being together in her apartment
And mine
Of being in her bed
And mine;
Flashes of scenes sexual and erotic
First time glances of her nakedness,
Exposed breasts, thighs and fleshy buttocks,
Our bodies glistening and grinding together
Lost in lust,
And her moans of delicious passion,
Of better-than-average sex;
Then
other memories drift across my mind like a cloud against a clear sky,
Of arguments and rows over small things in real life;
Disagreements over musical taste and TV shows,
Going out and what to wear;
Opinions taken badly and disappointment in decisions made;
Bickering words becoming so violently hurtful
I found myself screaming “Enough! I’ve had it with you! I’m leaving! **** this ****!”
Only to be lead back again and again by self-doubt and the lure of mutual sexual ambrosia to quench my thirsty loneliness
until the day we finally break up for good.
Now 15 years later here she is claiming to be different,
Apologizing for being so out of control in her youth;
Now that she has found the Lord.
How could I know when I accepted her friendship again 5 months later she would prove how right I was about her when she publishes a racist-quasi-religious-anti-gay hate rant on my Facebook page
And blurting to the world her deep-seated bitter rage for me
Damaging my self-worth and my career;
And I understand finally the mistake she has always been;
Finally I see the red warning light that has been flashing since our very first date so many years ago
When she took an innocent joke wrong
And when she accused me of thinking she was ugly when it had never crossed my mind,
That I now delete her with the fury of a soldier conned into a warzone.
I imagine her execution with the click of a mouse, banning her forever.
Yeah, I’ve changed, too.