please help (long read)

[dan476]

Hi everyone,
I need to release some things that have been cooking up inside me for years and now I am paying for it with depression, anxiety and panic attacks. But let me start from the beginning.
When I was young (about 10 or so) my parents decided to split, it was very stressful as I almost never saw my dad after that. soon after that I had a bad day: one day me and my mom were walking somewhere and I had a headache, about 20-30 mins later all of a sudden my head was just pounding, I started having problems seeing things, my whole left side of the body went numb and my speech was slurry, anyways everything finished with me vomiting and everything slowly went away. I was around 10 then. I never thought about it until years later.
Few years later my mom and I moved to another continent. I didn't speak the language and had no friends, basically I was thrown into school so I could learn the language and I did pretty well, but my panic attacks started then. I clearly remember we as a class went to movie theatre to watch some movie. I was watching it and all of a sudden I felt like I separated from my body, my heart was racing and I felt really confused. I ran out of the theatre but soon after I got better and I returned. Few days later I had the same thing happen to me, but this time at home, my mom called ambulance and I was taken to the hospital, they did a bunch of tests and even a CT scan on my head, and everything came back as norm. After that I didn't have anything for about 5 years.
Now about 4 years ago I was already in the army and doing a lot of partying, of course I made a few mistakes with some girls and one of those mistakes was unprotected. Again I never thought about it for a while until I met my wife. Once I met her I started thinking about a lot of things, and one of them was stroke when I was young (at least that’s what I thought it was) and the other one was that episode of unprotected sex. The more I thought about those 2 the more I worried, the more I worried the more sick I got, and the more sick I got the more I thought I had HIV or some other bad disease. Anyways it tore me apart for almost 4 years. So for the last 3 years I’ve had many anxiety attacks and Panic attacks. Finally I said to myself that I had to know the truth because I want to settle down and have kids (if I was infected with HIV I would not be able to have kids). Again it took some courage, and to tell you truth the hardest thing I’ve ever done was that test. Anyways next day after I did the test, my neck stiffened up, I was having headaches every day, and I was vomiting. I went to ER twice and seen the doctor another 3 times within last 2 weeks. All of them checked for many signs of brain damage and meningitis and everything else (did so many blood tests) and everything came back as NORM. Also one of those doctors has told me that when I was a kid that was not a stroke, it was just a bad go of Migraine pain. That was very relieving to find out as for the last 4 years that was part of my stresses. Finally I got my STD tests back (last Wednesday), all of them were NEGATIVE. I felt relieved but I am still having panic attacks. I had 2 today. I also talked to my wife about everything and she was very supportive, but I do not think she can help much other than comforting me every time I have a panic attack. I've seen my doctor today and told him about my mental state and he made an appointment for me on Friday to basically shoot shit, and see what solution we can come up with.
Basically I screwed myself over for not doing these tests 4 years ago and have it done and over with, I also think too much, to the point where I see something wrong with my body and I think it’s fatal. I lost almost all sex drive I’ve had, and many nights going to bed all I can think of is “what if I do not wake up”. I feel very depressed; I do not enjoy life or anything else. I really want to get better.

 

[Chilling__Echo]

hey dan476 and welcome

well first and foremost, congratulations on the excellant test results! keep in mind that we all make our own mistakes. it's just a part of life. all you can do is come to terms with it.

i work at a daycare and right now one of the three year old's parents are splitting, and i can see it everyday in his eyes, even at three, and not completely understanding everything that's going on, he's hurting. he's not himself, he's very weepy, not eating, frustrated very easily, it's very hard on him. i hate it so much but there's nothing i can do. i wouldn't be suprised if it was a panic attack when you were younger.

also keep in mind that anxiety takes some of the WORST tolls on our bodies. anxiety can do SO much damage to our bodies, there's no telling what all it can do, or cause. the best thing you can do for yourself is to learn how to handle your anxiety/worry. you'd be suprised how much better you'll feel after you've worked with a GOOD counselor. are you seeing anyone?

anyway, hoping you feel better after your release.

 

[BlackSheep]

Hi dan476 and welcome to the Social Phobia World Forum.

Seems like you have been holding this in for a while, I hope you feel better now that you have gotten it out and off your chest. The 4 year weight has been lifted.

You are in good health. Don’t worry about dieing in your sleep, because it’s not going to happen. You say you have a wife and you want kids, it’s time to make that happen. It’s time for you to move on with your life and to stop worrying about the past and mistakes you’ve made in it. We are all flawed and we all make mistakes the important part is that we learn from our mistakes and not repeat them. We all get depressed from time to time, but eventually it passes. I hope Friday’s meeting with the doctor goes well. You may want to ask the doctor for some anti-depression drugs and maybe some viagra, only if you feel like you need it to get pass this rough time in your life.

 

[visit_faraz]

hey dan476,

You know what . You maybe doing certain things that is keeping these panic attacks with you. What i mean is that you have begun to identify yourself as someone who gets regular panic attacks. Everyone has a self image and your self image tells you that you are someone who gets panic attacks . you are unable to see yourself in any other way.

The way to get over your depression and panic attacks is that you stop giving it priority.
I mean , that everyday and every hour you might be thinking. oh, what has my life come to. all these panic attacks and all this depression. why cant i be better. why cant i be normal.
so, the whole day you keep on thinking about your panic attacks and depression.which keeps all this very fresh in your memory.

Yes, memory. that is the word. If you see it , it is all in the memory.
Just try and notice. how long do the panic attacks last.
how long are you depressed. and how long do you keep thinking about those attacks. does the panic attacks hurt more or does the thinking about the panic attacks hurt more.
Again notice this, when you say you are depressed you are noticing your depression. the depression is gone, it is your memory which tells you that depression was there.

So , what i would advice you is to stop fighting your depression and panic attacks .
Just take notice of the actual time that you are undergoing the attacks and when you are feeling depressed and then notice the time when you are not actually undergoing attacks or depressed but just thinking about them.

When you notice this, then just tell yourself . okay, now i am just thinking about those attacks and depression. dont try to stop those thoughts. notice how long do you keep thinking. the point is to get a little detached from your attacks.

just try this and then post again to tell how you feel. maybe i could give you some more tips. or if you just cant make out what this post is actually about. just ask something specific that you dont understand,and i will try to tell you something more.

I am speaking all this from experience and doing this has really helped me. i am a completely different person now. I would also suggest you to do some meditation.

bye,
faraz