phase3
Member
Hi all,
Hope everyone is doing ok, on your quest to success!
I thought that I would get an educated judgment from you guys as I have not yet been diagnosed with anything but think I may have SA. Please read at let me know your thoughts. Thanks in advance.
I am 25M, and currently living at my parents with my younger siss. At 15, we (three kids) were taken out of the normal schooling system to be home-schooled. I joined a local tennis club and made two mates that are still friends today. From the age of around 17 I went to a higher education college, partly because I was frustrated with not having much social contact. Attending college was really quite overwhelming for me because it felt like I had been thrown into deep water and told to swim.
Between, 17 and 21 I tried hard to rid myself of the ever-present thinking that I was different to others. Looking back at the time I felt anxious in certain social engagements. I have never been a shy person but ever since home-schooling I have always felt inferior and different to others. The thought of people judging me has never really crossed my mind. Anyways, between 19-21 I had a girlfriend that I spent a lot of time with. So much that I kind of stopped spending every weekend with my only two close friends. I always would remunerate over the fact that I have very little friends. This frustrated me and affected my confidence.
At 21, she cheated on me so we broke up. That's when I experienced my first depression. I felt really down, and didn't see much hope. It was then to that I finally popped the cork on the champagne and talk openly with my sister about how things are not quite right.
My personality has always been quite happy go lucky, positive and very friendly. Though at heart I am quite a thinker, creative and perhaps a bit shy. In my efforts to sustain a lifestyle of friends I feel I would to over-do-it with my personality to fit in. I would never mention home-schooling, and felt inhibited when it was mentioned around me. As if it was something to be shameful of. This inhibition led to a feeling of inferiority as if I am not as good as others. I sort of felt that behind that mask was an inhibited me.
Anyways, at 21 I decided I must take a stance on this! That positive let's tackle it attitude would set the tone for the next four years. I started working as a computer aided-design trainer. Initially on the job I was quite shy and sort of kept to myself. It felt so new and full-on! Occasionally I would come out of my shell and show my personality, but then retreat soon after. It was enough to get attention from the managers who could see some potential. Before long I was teaching around Australia, flying places, and presenting to people. This was a drastic change from the inhibited me. The main reason was to almost prove to myself that I can do it! In fact I would often use that phrase to psyche myself up 'you can do it!'.
During this time my life felt like it was moving forward, rapidly. I had a new car, money and was someone important in the weekly schedule. My personality was once again bright smiles and confident. Though inside I felt like a machine needing oil. A lacked self-esteem and a real sense of peace. I worked doing this for 4 years. Towards the end the mask that I put on to hide and suppress my feelings was taking a toll. I felt burnt out, stressed big time. For 4 years I had been working, I had put my own personal life on hold. I think it became another coping strategy. My life was work. There were many times that I would sit in a hotel interstate, lonely but would not call anyone. I would simply distract myself with TV or more work. By that time to, the day of having to communicate and teach had taken a toll so sleep looked tempting.
During the time there I had time to grow up big time. I was like a flower that finally saw the sun and could grow. But never could I rid myself of the self-conscious feelings and the dread if feeling different. There always felt like a link missing in the chain. Through pondering times alone, I started I guess to find the real me, one that wasn't an image of what others wanted me to be. I found a calling towards design and architecture. So with a head about to explode from stress (anxiety) I quit and enrolled into uni for the next year.
24 and starting uni. One of my main reasons to go to uni was to make friends. I have not done so yet. Mainly because since leaving the job its like I am starting all over again. All the feelings that I had buried long ago have come back with a vengeance. Feelings and thoughts like, being too self-conscious, feeling different, not knowing what to say, lacking in esteem and finding it more difficult to simply call someone! What has been most worrying though is not knowing who i really am. I feel confused and alone, as if the past four years have been a blur. A simple tasks of catching up with all work friends has not happened. Being at my parents home has been frustrating, but I feel too passive to change. I don't feel lazy just stuck, something is preventing me from moving forward again.
Through the year just gone, I have pushed through uni to make it one year in, but all the time I have felt troubled, confused and depressed. I am starting to distance myself from my two old mates. I don't know why I just feel that I am different again, that I won't know how to act or what to say. In a way it is understandable I have gone from being a corporate git covered by an ego mask, to the inhibited student me. A big contrast.
So now after being depressed and not doing much at all, I have gained my feet again and looking to move forward once more. I have started eating healthy again, exercising, and have started reading a book on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). ACT vs CBT is another topic! I will probably go see someone, though I have seen about 5 psychologists in the past, who haven't really done much. They help at the time but that's about it.
Lastly, I have babbled a lot here so if you managed to make it to the end I really appreciate to reading. I would be interested to here your comments.
My heart goes out to you all.
Take care,
Dave
Hope everyone is doing ok, on your quest to success!
I thought that I would get an educated judgment from you guys as I have not yet been diagnosed with anything but think I may have SA. Please read at let me know your thoughts. Thanks in advance.
I am 25M, and currently living at my parents with my younger siss. At 15, we (three kids) were taken out of the normal schooling system to be home-schooled. I joined a local tennis club and made two mates that are still friends today. From the age of around 17 I went to a higher education college, partly because I was frustrated with not having much social contact. Attending college was really quite overwhelming for me because it felt like I had been thrown into deep water and told to swim.
Between, 17 and 21 I tried hard to rid myself of the ever-present thinking that I was different to others. Looking back at the time I felt anxious in certain social engagements. I have never been a shy person but ever since home-schooling I have always felt inferior and different to others. The thought of people judging me has never really crossed my mind. Anyways, between 19-21 I had a girlfriend that I spent a lot of time with. So much that I kind of stopped spending every weekend with my only two close friends. I always would remunerate over the fact that I have very little friends. This frustrated me and affected my confidence.
At 21, she cheated on me so we broke up. That's when I experienced my first depression. I felt really down, and didn't see much hope. It was then to that I finally popped the cork on the champagne and talk openly with my sister about how things are not quite right.
My personality has always been quite happy go lucky, positive and very friendly. Though at heart I am quite a thinker, creative and perhaps a bit shy. In my efforts to sustain a lifestyle of friends I feel I would to over-do-it with my personality to fit in. I would never mention home-schooling, and felt inhibited when it was mentioned around me. As if it was something to be shameful of. This inhibition led to a feeling of inferiority as if I am not as good as others. I sort of felt that behind that mask was an inhibited me.
Anyways, at 21 I decided I must take a stance on this! That positive let's tackle it attitude would set the tone for the next four years. I started working as a computer aided-design trainer. Initially on the job I was quite shy and sort of kept to myself. It felt so new and full-on! Occasionally I would come out of my shell and show my personality, but then retreat soon after. It was enough to get attention from the managers who could see some potential. Before long I was teaching around Australia, flying places, and presenting to people. This was a drastic change from the inhibited me. The main reason was to almost prove to myself that I can do it! In fact I would often use that phrase to psyche myself up 'you can do it!'.
During this time my life felt like it was moving forward, rapidly. I had a new car, money and was someone important in the weekly schedule. My personality was once again bright smiles and confident. Though inside I felt like a machine needing oil. A lacked self-esteem and a real sense of peace. I worked doing this for 4 years. Towards the end the mask that I put on to hide and suppress my feelings was taking a toll. I felt burnt out, stressed big time. For 4 years I had been working, I had put my own personal life on hold. I think it became another coping strategy. My life was work. There were many times that I would sit in a hotel interstate, lonely but would not call anyone. I would simply distract myself with TV or more work. By that time to, the day of having to communicate and teach had taken a toll so sleep looked tempting.
During the time there I had time to grow up big time. I was like a flower that finally saw the sun and could grow. But never could I rid myself of the self-conscious feelings and the dread if feeling different. There always felt like a link missing in the chain. Through pondering times alone, I started I guess to find the real me, one that wasn't an image of what others wanted me to be. I found a calling towards design and architecture. So with a head about to explode from stress (anxiety) I quit and enrolled into uni for the next year.
24 and starting uni. One of my main reasons to go to uni was to make friends. I have not done so yet. Mainly because since leaving the job its like I am starting all over again. All the feelings that I had buried long ago have come back with a vengeance. Feelings and thoughts like, being too self-conscious, feeling different, not knowing what to say, lacking in esteem and finding it more difficult to simply call someone! What has been most worrying though is not knowing who i really am. I feel confused and alone, as if the past four years have been a blur. A simple tasks of catching up with all work friends has not happened. Being at my parents home has been frustrating, but I feel too passive to change. I don't feel lazy just stuck, something is preventing me from moving forward again.
Through the year just gone, I have pushed through uni to make it one year in, but all the time I have felt troubled, confused and depressed. I am starting to distance myself from my two old mates. I don't know why I just feel that I am different again, that I won't know how to act or what to say. In a way it is understandable I have gone from being a corporate git covered by an ego mask, to the inhibited student me. A big contrast.
So now after being depressed and not doing much at all, I have gained my feet again and looking to move forward once more. I have started eating healthy again, exercising, and have started reading a book on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). ACT vs CBT is another topic! I will probably go see someone, though I have seen about 5 psychologists in the past, who haven't really done much. They help at the time but that's about it.
Lastly, I have babbled a lot here so if you managed to make it to the end I really appreciate to reading. I would be interested to here your comments.
My heart goes out to you all.
Take care,
Dave
