People think I am unfreindly
- Thread starter flux
- Start date
beetle
Member
Same here.
But as for tips, I'm sure you must have heard them all before, but then again so have I, and yet I'm still a mess.
The most important one (so I've learnt/read) is to SMILE. There really is a hell of a lot of power in the smile. Obviously don't go round smiling inanely at people the whole time, but if someone talks to you/you talk to someone, smiling while you're talking/listening, at least every now and then, will surely affect them (make them judge you as nicer, friendlier, a better person maybe (the power of non-verbal cues is strong)).
But that's something to do when you're already talking to someone. What about seeming friendlier before this can occur? Hmmmm... well, once again, it's all about non-verbal cues. You have to consciously make an effort to give out the non-verbal cues that will make you appear open and friendly. What these are, books can probably tell you. I guess things like sit/stand up straight, don't sit there with your arms crossed across your chest, don't frown, don't go and sit away from people, try and put a confident and open look on your face... things like this.
BUT of course it's easier said than done, and it's hard to control these things when you're in a situation where you're anxious, plus personally I don't always like putting on a fake happy friendly act. But I suppose if you want to appear more friendly, putting out the right non-verbal cues (which as I said, I'm sure books can tell you what they are) is at least a good starting-point.
Also, an often-quoted statistic is that only 7% of communication is verbal, 38% is tone of voice etc, and 55% is non-verbal. So if you do the non-verbal and tone bit in a friendly way, then you're 93% of the way there! (yes, I am aware that that is an unrealistic inference, but it's something to think about). So maybe the fact that you don't have much to say isn't as important as it seems; the statistics above would suggest that it's not the most important thing.
But as for tips, I'm sure you must have heard them all before, but then again so have I, and yet I'm still a mess.
The most important one (so I've learnt/read) is to SMILE. There really is a hell of a lot of power in the smile. Obviously don't go round smiling inanely at people the whole time, but if someone talks to you/you talk to someone, smiling while you're talking/listening, at least every now and then, will surely affect them (make them judge you as nicer, friendlier, a better person maybe (the power of non-verbal cues is strong)).
But that's something to do when you're already talking to someone. What about seeming friendlier before this can occur? Hmmmm... well, once again, it's all about non-verbal cues. You have to consciously make an effort to give out the non-verbal cues that will make you appear open and friendly. What these are, books can probably tell you. I guess things like sit/stand up straight, don't sit there with your arms crossed across your chest, don't frown, don't go and sit away from people, try and put a confident and open look on your face... things like this.
BUT of course it's easier said than done, and it's hard to control these things when you're in a situation where you're anxious, plus personally I don't always like putting on a fake happy friendly act. But I suppose if you want to appear more friendly, putting out the right non-verbal cues (which as I said, I'm sure books can tell you what they are) is at least a good starting-point.
Also, an often-quoted statistic is that only 7% of communication is verbal, 38% is tone of voice etc, and 55% is non-verbal. So if you do the non-verbal and tone bit in a friendly way, then you're 93% of the way there! (yes, I am aware that that is an unrealistic inference, but it's something to think about). So maybe the fact that you don't have much to say isn't as important as it seems; the statistics above would suggest that it's not the most important thing.
Lightcloud
Member
Yeah I think alot of people see me as cold and stoic like - I don't allow myself to get close or friendly with just anyone, you know what I mean? Then again, the people that know me and are friends with me think I'm the nicest person in the world. So it balances out - I just wish my "public" image could match my "private" image.
And beetle, I really liked the description you gave about giving off the friendly vibe. I think alot of times people judge you based on how you act or react to things.
And beetle, I really liked the description you gave about giving off the friendly vibe. I think alot of times people judge you based on how you act or react to things.
shy_miss_fly
Well-known member
Ive been told I come off very cold and stuck up. People say I act like Im better then everyone else. Which is acually the complete opposite of what I think!! I feel like everyone is better then me and Im not good enough. So to change this I try to smile and laugh alot, I feel like a complete idiot though when I do this, but its better then comming off like a snob.
It is normal to care what everyone else thinks because it is normal to want to be liked.
I think there are two extremes.. the first are people who do not care at all what people think and the other extreme are the people who care too much. I guess most people with SAD fall in this category, including myself. But as I get older I find myself needing companionship less and less- it's my coping mechanism.
Oh yeah.. I have found an interesting journal that shows that at least in extreme cases SAD might have a biological predisposition- well, I mean that at least there is a biological component that makes some extreme cases triggered more easily-
the research article is called "Influence of the Serotonin Transporter Promoter Gene and Shyness on Children's Cerebral Responses to Facial Expression" Arch Gen Psychiatry/ Vol 62, Jan 2005..... www.archgenpsychiatry.com
I think there are two extremes.. the first are people who do not care at all what people think and the other extreme are the people who care too much. I guess most people with SAD fall in this category, including myself. But as I get older I find myself needing companionship less and less- it's my coping mechanism.
Oh yeah.. I have found an interesting journal that shows that at least in extreme cases SAD might have a biological predisposition- well, I mean that at least there is a biological component that makes some extreme cases triggered more easily-
the research article is called "Influence of the Serotonin Transporter Promoter Gene and Shyness on Children's Cerebral Responses to Facial Expression" Arch Gen Psychiatry/ Vol 62, Jan 2005..... www.archgenpsychiatry.com
4myself
Well-known member
Yep, I guess thats why we have sp isn't it. I mean if we genuinely didn't care then we probably wouldnt be so scared of people and what they think of us.
I've just been wondering lately if its worth keeping everything hidden and coming off like a blob with no personality, I mean people are either going to accept me or they're not. Now I've just got to work up some courage........ no, haven't worked up any yet, maybe I will just go hide under my bed.
I've just been wondering lately if its worth keeping everything hidden and coming off like a blob with no personality, I mean people are either going to accept me or they're not. Now I've just got to work up some courage........ no, haven't worked up any yet, maybe I will just go hide under my bed.
Tseng
Well-known member
I've been told that I seem unfriendly. I do try to be seen as cold and aloof though, I prefer people thinking that I'm an arsehole rather than thinking that i'm shy, or even worse knowing about my SA. Still having people dislike me because of the way I act isn't good either though, guess I can't really win.
shy_miss_fly
Well-known member
young said:
hahahaha that reminds me of a time, I was at a crew activity with my work once and this jerk that I worked with was like " Your so anti-social!!!"
and I was like "Im not anti-social, I just dont like you!!!" LOL people acually laughed.
flux
Member
Yeah, I guess its all about smiling and ignoring the fact that you would rather run away then just sit there and look them in the eye.
And don't worry so much about what to say. It's the interaction itself that people like.
I cind of feel fake when I'm smiling and stuff too. But we're not right???
I never thought so many people would respond, in fact I thought you all that I was wierd and I swore I would never visit this site ever again. Hahaha, it just shows me how wrong I am about those type of things.
You are all so freindly, it's sad, I wish everyone could see that.
And don't worry so much about what to say. It's the interaction itself that people like.
I cind of feel fake when I'm smiling and stuff too. But we're not right???
I never thought so many people would respond, in fact I thought you all that I was wierd and I swore I would never visit this site ever again. Hahaha, it just shows me how wrong I am about those type of things.
You are all so freindly, it's sad, I wish everyone could see that.
Oddball
Well-known member
4myself said:
Lol, I like the way you think.
on topic: I have the same problem, yesterday in school a teacher came up to me and helped me with my work after she was done she said "I'm sorry for bothering you" it made me feel horrible, she got the impression I didn't like talking to her, but really she made me happy.
refined_rascal
Active member
shy_miss_fly said:
This is exactly how I feel. Though now, when I'm really low I can't hide it. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve these days.