Paranoia and general discomfort with yourself

[Sacrament]

I feel that, whenever I have to go out and do something, that the whole world stops to see me fail and embarass myself. It's a really stupid feeling, since people in general are very indifferent. I know that the world never stops moving and that no one will actually stop to watch me make a fool out of myself, but once the first feeling kicks in, it's like there's no way around it. I have to go to the police station on Monday because of a complaint I made a month ago (I made a thread about it), and I'm dreading it. I don't really know what I'm going to do, or even if the guy who attacked me is going to be there. I called them and said I wanted to drop the charges, but I have to go there anyway if I want to do it. How can I focus on the fact that no one cares and that I just have to go there, deal with something that's not so weird or unusual, and go home? Seems so simple and I wish it was, but my mind just won't stop messing with me.

A different issue: Due to my extremely reduced (or inexistant) self-confidence, I am very self-conscious about going out and just walk around without fearing to be robbed or approached by some guy, for whatever reason he may have. Being punched in the face by a random schizophrenic doesn't help either. I can't say I live in a "really big" city, but I still fear walking around at night and see people coming in my direction. I never know what's coming. I can't focus on "it's just an everyday person, exactly like you, except they don't have your fears".

Can't really say I'm "afraid of people". Yes, I'm afraid of what they think of me, that they're making fun of me deep inside, like anyone with SA starts being paranoid about when they go... anywhere. Still, I enjoy seeing older people on the street (elderly people). I even say "good morning/afternoon/whatever)" when I see them because they're generally nice and kind people. I'm mostly afraid of people my age (teenagers or in their twenties) because society's all about the looks and it kills me not to like how I look, not to tolerate my body. I work out on a... Ok, regular basis, but not as much as I wish I did, and also I wish I didn't eat as much crap as I do, because that doesn't help at all. I'm lacking so much energy and willpower to do things, argh.

[/rant]

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

HI

Hi Sacrament,
I'm new to the forum and your's is one of the first posts that I have read.
The feelings that you describe, in which you fear negative judgements from others, in which you said that as soon as the first feeling kicks in it is so hard to stop. ...I know the feeling so well. For me, it is like my emotions are like a rollercoaster thats on its way down, in that once they get into motion I struggle to have any control over them.

I think that your use of words is an intelligent observation -you said that as soon as the first feeling kicks in that it is very hard to stop the rest. Maybe I could be wrong, but I think in that there is the key to things. That if you could figure out the thought you have initially that in recognising it, you could examine how reasonable it is and recondition it. ...for me, I am working with the theory that I began as a child with very strong feelings of self-conciousness. That in any situation where there were many people or any attention was upon me, that some bright bright spot-light was on me. ...I believe that if I can latch onto such a thought and alter it to better fit who I am in relationship to the outside world, for example -"no, I am not in a spotlight" or "I am a bit too self-concious"- than all the other
thoughts-emotions that spiral-out from this first thought will be controlled naturally.

I have heard talk about 'sponsoring thoughts' that are thoughts that lie deep within the subconcious. They are so deep within a person's mind and perception that before one has time to acknowledge that they are there and identify them, one is already emotionally responding to the environment in the context of this thought, so that, if the person is very sensitive, they are very reactive to their surroundings.

But, I am seeing a psychiatrist and so far she has told me that there are a cluster of thoughts that each in turn must be identified and then altered to fit a more balanced perspective. I believe that she is right, but believe that at the base of these there is a root thought. As in the one I began with as a small child, that was self-concious, very sensitive to outside stimuli and inwardly focussed.