"oh won't you please have a listen"

[lain]

Hello,
I guess there's no need of mentioning that I'm new here.
Don't really know how to "start", or how to introduce myself and my, hm, "condition".
I can't stand being anywhere else besides my room.Ok, bathroom and kitchen sometimes
Outside is suffocating me. People are doing the same. For the last year and a half, the only people I have been talking to are my mother and my best friend. Should I mention that I stopped going to school? Just being there, sitting in the classrooms, doing Nothing was too much for me. Travelling there every day was too much. I couldn't stand being in a hall with all the other kids. My psychology teacher was the only one who saw what was going on with me. I mean, the same thing I STILL don't want to accept. Because this could not possibly be happening to me. I'm not depressed. I don't think I ever even was. Perhaps I have somewhat different opinions on things, but why would that matter in any way.
I can't go on like this, it's driving me insane! And I'm more than aware that I need help. Ha, but no. The reason I'm refusing help is that I hate even the Thought that someone would waste their precious time on me.
I don't really like me, despite the fact that I use "I"'s and "me"'s in a conversation more than needed.
Ok, let's talk about the others.
I'm practically ruining my mom's life. The things she's done for me! My mom is a remarkable person, and I love her, that's why I'll never forgive myself for the things I'm doing to her.
And my best friend. Sometimes I use to wish I'd never met her. But then I realize that she's that one person in my life I never want to lose.
I want to do so much for her. I'm just afraid that I might become boring to her eventually-I don't want it to be yet another teenage friendship.
Now I'm talking rubbish.Sorry.
Ok, back to my oh so interesting issues.
So, I haven't finished school. I will eventually, just not ready yet. I'm so asshamed of that, but only thinking of going back to school terrifies me. And it's not because of some certain subject, I was a good student, or at least I think.(Ha, with english as an exception, I'm terrible at it as you can see).
I want to go out. I don't want to go out. I don't know what to think, as this is seriously making me stupid. "Oh, but you can't just SIT there ruining your future" -->Please don't say this to me. I've been listening it for a while now.

"Let me, let me free, let me out"

Ok, now that I see that there's no head and no tail in this post, so I better finish it. Hmpf, it's a stupid post anyway. randomness.

(+, I really apologize about my english)


Salut.

 

[cichlid]

I understand.First off,It's not your fault that this is happening to you.Second,your friends are there to help you in your time of need,and you are not a burdon.Love is unconditional,especially a mothers love.Third,what are you doing to help yourself?There is a lot of help, and hope out there,more than you know! Keep up the good fight! p.s. It sounds like you're having,what sounds to me to be what I have.is that even english? please reply.

 

[lain]

What am I doing to help myself. eh. At the moment, I'm seeing a psychologist. And I think there has been no help at all.
Not ready for something "bigger".
Although, I'd love to talk to my teacher. Haven't talked to her in more than a year. Mostly because I'm ashamed, although everyone's telling me there's nothing to be ashamed of, especially with her. Can't help it, I guess. And, I'm writing her a letter, because I couldn't bare talking to her in four eyes. I'd probably just stay quiet. [I know it's nonsense]
But I don't think the letter thing will work out. I can't express myself in a letter. Like a magic circle, hah.
Don't know. [If I did know, I'd probably never post here]
Only thing I know is that I can't go outside. I can't think of school,because everytime I do, I remember what a nightmare school days were, and how I felt then.
I am feeling okay, because I'm in a "safe place" now. But on the other side, I'm Not okay. If you know what I mean.

And do you know how much stress it is for me knowing that someone's even thinking about doing something for me?
Even replying here is stressful, even though there are a lot of people with much bigger problems,like maybe you. Mine's just a minor glitch, in my opinion, yet I'm wasting space here. There, I'm being selfish again.Another problem that needs to be solved.


Salut.

 

[Tirta]

i don't know what to say, i feel sorry for you.
It's hard to finish school with this problem

 

[cichlid]

i'm glad your still talking on the chat.i want you to know i've walked in very similar shoes myself & you are not alone.one thing you might want to pay strong attention to is trying consciously to change the way you talk to yourself.In your head and in how you wright things down.I can tell you are having a hard time just by the way you word things,not to say that you are any less of a person or not a good writer.If you pay close attention to not only your attitude and physical feelings "which can be aggrivated by the manifestations of phobia",but by not adding to or magnifying the problem - by relieving some of the stress on yourself through simply changing how hard "we" can be on ourselfs through negative self talk.Has the "phyciatrist" brought up the idea of writing down what your thinking,then writing down what is really going on & before and after thoughts of situations.These are tools that have helped me a great deal.They force your mind to re-evaluate,and re-asses what is really happening,and that things are truly ok.Oh,and no one in there right mind would ever wish this on there worst enemy.I would rather starv myself and be in jail,parapalegic,blind.....etc. than have this dragon breathing down my neck!Stick it out,it will get better,please write back. :wink:

 

[lain]

I'm not ready to deal with all that, because on one side, I know what's happening to me---on the other side I refuse to accept it.
I don't know the reason why leaving outside is so hard. I've been out maybe 5,6 times in this year. I'm 18!I want to go out, at least to the local library or something minor like that. But here we go again. I can't stand people looking at me, I can't stand their touch. I don't like to listen to them talk about what they did today, and what they'll do later.
I don't know. that's the only reasonable answer I can think of now. Haven't slept in 3 days and my head is about to implode.


Salut,
Lain

 

[cichlid]

I'm sorry you havn't slept in so long,I've been there.I had a doctor perscribe celexa once,which is used for treating drepression and anxiety,I stayed up for two nights shaking,stomach cramped,parranoid,what a mess.I told him I was losing my mind,and he told me that these were just side effects & keep taking the meds, so I got a different doctor.Anyway i hope you have a medical professional that you see eye to eye with,that helps a great deal.You are the fist person I've talked to that has a serious phobia,one similar to mine.I get a lot from just knowing i'm not alone and that someone actually gets it,because of first hand experiance.It would be nice to chat online with you,if I could figure out how that works that is.I'm 30 and a happily married guy,so no funny stuff,just want to talk.Or we could e-mail eachother,my e-mail is [email protected] if you want.Anyway hope your sleeping,but if your not I'll be up for a while.

 

[lain]

I don't spend that much time on the internet, plus there's the time zone, so I doubt we'd chat much through a messenger or something, but mail sounds just fine, and I'll write you one as soon as I get some sleep-I'm floating now and there's no way I can form a sentence properly.
or you can mail me, I think my mail's in my profile thingie here or something.



Salut