IDK94657
Well-known member
I don't know how regular I will be here but I felt the need to register tonight to explain my problem. I've had ocd for most of my life, but it's never been a huge problem. The worst it's ever been before recently was organizing, and even then it didn't get in the way or bother me that bad. But since my uncle's death, which people think attributes to it, it has grown to be horrible.
It started out with things being dirty in my mind. I had to wipe them down before they were clean enough to touch or be in certain areas; like my car, for example. So I wouldn't let someone eat and touch my keys without wiping it down, and beyond that and daily showers I didn't have much of a problem. I didn't shower unless I went somewhere, but the reason I did was because I had a problem with people putting their hands on me. Especially when I knew they had just eaten or something.
It went away but with it other problems came, such as repeated hand washing to get clean again. Especially before getting in the car to go to school, because my car was clean and pure. And because of the problem, I was late for almost the entire semester. I couldn't afford late days which would cause me to skip school on several occasions, because our school was very strict when it came to tardies. After the first tardy it would be a 30-minute detention, and every tardy after would add 30 minutes until the 5th one.
But I got a girlfriend and time went on and I dealt with it until school ended. Then I was pressured to find a job by her family, and slightly by mine. What makes matters worse, is I still haven't found one. That, plus the hand washing has come to the point where I dread using the bathroom or something because it takes so long.
But I've always had this thing about me where you have to wash your hands after eating anyways, but it was never this bad. Now, after eating I'll wash my hands extensively, and after using the bathroom even more so. My brother, whom has ocd as well, tells me that, "You know that washing them more than once is not making them any cleaner." The sad thing is I know that.
I can't stop and to make matters worse members of my family are making remarks. I live with my family because I just graduated and would not be able to afford my own place. When my mother and her friend do dishes my mother will make remarks. She will say stuff like, "Just throw it in the garbage for all I care." It's as if she's mad at me and taking it out on me while I'm in the room, but not directly.
I know that some things I do seem lazy, but it's the truth that I really can't. I mean, I can but it takes even more time if I do. When I shower I'll leave behind some soap bottles, but not out of laziness or the problem necessarily. I just usually forget, and they pile up to one or two bottles. And because I don't have a job nor a place to go every day, I don't have to worry about showering. Yet, it's a huge deal that two or three times a week some bottles have to be thrown away.
Not to mention picking up certain things like a Coke can that has fallen out of the garbage. Because of the amount of hand washing I have to do I don't want to do it. I leave it to them because they either don't wash their hands or they take 20 seconds at most. But they fail to see how miserable I am because I try to cut down on the hand washing, and that would just tack another wash on to the list for the day. And I do realize that if you come home from work and there's a can in the floor you just want to lay down, but it takes me 30 minutes to an hour depending on the task, whereas it takes them 2 minutes tops.
So now, I feel absolutely worthless. I almost wish I didn't tell half of the people that know, or none of them. I know that I need medicine, but it's like people badgering me to go to church or something. When they start trying to convert me or get me to go, I instantly go into a defensive mode. So when my brother comes to me and says, "You need to go and get medicine," I shut down.
It can't get any worse, can it? I know that at least one person in this forum has it 100x worse, but I only know what I'm going through. And if you read all that or at least reply, then I thank you so much. It means the world to me to have someone be sympathetic at this point.
It started out with things being dirty in my mind. I had to wipe them down before they were clean enough to touch or be in certain areas; like my car, for example. So I wouldn't let someone eat and touch my keys without wiping it down, and beyond that and daily showers I didn't have much of a problem. I didn't shower unless I went somewhere, but the reason I did was because I had a problem with people putting their hands on me. Especially when I knew they had just eaten or something.
It went away but with it other problems came, such as repeated hand washing to get clean again. Especially before getting in the car to go to school, because my car was clean and pure. And because of the problem, I was late for almost the entire semester. I couldn't afford late days which would cause me to skip school on several occasions, because our school was very strict when it came to tardies. After the first tardy it would be a 30-minute detention, and every tardy after would add 30 minutes until the 5th one.
But I got a girlfriend and time went on and I dealt with it until school ended. Then I was pressured to find a job by her family, and slightly by mine. What makes matters worse, is I still haven't found one. That, plus the hand washing has come to the point where I dread using the bathroom or something because it takes so long.
But I've always had this thing about me where you have to wash your hands after eating anyways, but it was never this bad. Now, after eating I'll wash my hands extensively, and after using the bathroom even more so. My brother, whom has ocd as well, tells me that, "You know that washing them more than once is not making them any cleaner." The sad thing is I know that.
I can't stop and to make matters worse members of my family are making remarks. I live with my family because I just graduated and would not be able to afford my own place. When my mother and her friend do dishes my mother will make remarks. She will say stuff like, "Just throw it in the garbage for all I care." It's as if she's mad at me and taking it out on me while I'm in the room, but not directly.
I know that some things I do seem lazy, but it's the truth that I really can't. I mean, I can but it takes even more time if I do. When I shower I'll leave behind some soap bottles, but not out of laziness or the problem necessarily. I just usually forget, and they pile up to one or two bottles. And because I don't have a job nor a place to go every day, I don't have to worry about showering. Yet, it's a huge deal that two or three times a week some bottles have to be thrown away.
Not to mention picking up certain things like a Coke can that has fallen out of the garbage. Because of the amount of hand washing I have to do I don't want to do it. I leave it to them because they either don't wash their hands or they take 20 seconds at most. But they fail to see how miserable I am because I try to cut down on the hand washing, and that would just tack another wash on to the list for the day. And I do realize that if you come home from work and there's a can in the floor you just want to lay down, but it takes me 30 minutes to an hour depending on the task, whereas it takes them 2 minutes tops.
So now, I feel absolutely worthless. I almost wish I didn't tell half of the people that know, or none of them. I know that I need medicine, but it's like people badgering me to go to church or something. When they start trying to convert me or get me to go, I instantly go into a defensive mode. So when my brother comes to me and says, "You need to go and get medicine," I shut down.
It can't get any worse, can it? I know that at least one person in this forum has it 100x worse, but I only know what I'm going through. And if you read all that or at least reply, then I thank you so much. It means the world to me to have someone be sympathetic at this point.
