Nothing's real.

[Moloch]

Hello. I've had OCD since I was a little child - checking about 50 times a day if I had put all the books, pens and pencils in, et cetera. I even was afraid after every test I took because I never was sure if I had given it in. And every little detail worries me.

I know it's not logical, I think that still keeps me sane.

Now, I have a problem. Five months ago I had unprotected sex with a girl and I am still so damn worried. She told she didn't have anything. I took tests anyway - 4 times - after 2 weeks, a month, 3 months and 5 months- I spent a LOT of money.

Everything came back negative each time. Now the problem's that I'm afraid If I gave the blood for testing, If I did that and this, If the doctor told everything negative or not, but I clearly can remember him telling that blood's good, no hiv and that everything's okay. After A week I called again and they told that I'm fine - now I'm replying that over and over inside my head, again and again.

I want to feel good, I WANT TO WORRY about whether I LOCKED THE DOORS (that's such a little thing), I only want to be sure if I'm healthy.



It's so disturbing.
I can't really sleep, I can't feel safe and I can't look with a smile towards future. Expression of deep pain is already carved in my 19 year-old's face.


Actually writing this helped me a bit. Still I know my OCD attack will come back.

I'm wondering if I should took another test, because I've somewhere heard it takes 6 months for that **** hiv, although forums mostly says 3.

''5 months is conclusive for everything'' - that's what people said. I want to believe.

God, tough combination, isn't it?

I just wanted to share this and If someone would write something about this, It would be really great.

I need this one reasurance. Can I feel safe?

 

[FOR REAL]

before i read this back more carefuly first let me tell you that you are SAFE. try not to panic (easier said than done)

 

[FOR REAL]

youve been for that many tests for sleeping with one girl, and the docs have given you the all clear several times. im not a doctor and ive never been for an STD check yet in my life and im really not worried about it.
maybe if you went for another test and got the all clear again, that you would still have doubts in your mind and would feel the need to go again and again for a check up.
you could try and put it to the back of your mind

 

[chained]

I apsoultly understand how u feel..I used to have severe OCD, checking stuff, fear of germs, heck I even had physical symptoms because I was afraid I had a brain tumor.. I got it checked up and still had doubts.. but it kinda passed away.. but. I understand the fear.. it kills u..all I can do is say to visit a psych...if u already aren't. and imagine if it wasn't u worrying about AIDS it would be something else.. u'll always worry..but if it makes u feel any better take another test. Iunno how to help u, all I can do is say I empathize

 

[johnny 85]

dam, OCD sounds awful. :: i hope everything works out for ya OP.

 

[Moloch]

First of all, thank you for your comments. I found this forum yesterday and it helped so much, this is a great place, people who actually understands. Thank you again.

Want to hear something funny? I was a virgin before that. Life sometimes can be cruel. I can live with that, okay, I understand. Now I'm only obsessed to be healthy enough to fight it.

I may seem unstable and mentally weird and I am, but the thing is in life I'm this athletic guy, who's everybody referring to as a strong, confident and smart fellow. God, If only they knew what I go through every day.
That's the reason why I don't have many friends. It's hard to make relationship when you understand they don't have a worry in the world opposed to me who's world is worries.

This is the forum post about those 5 month results - Need a little help from you guys - STDs - MedHelp

I Kind of figured it out till the point to worry only about if 5 month is enough for hiv, because I GAVE THE BLOOD, I can see the blood flowing, remember walking that hall and what's most important - FEELING GOOD a week after I found out results. I so much want to trust myself. I'm trying to trust my that time feeling, when I felt everything's okay.

Now I have to know If 5 is enough for hiv and for a while I'd be in a clear... i guess, I'm waiting for some logical replies to this which would help me.

All my words are a tears of a cry for help. For now, my soul rests at half mast.


I'm writing all this because I can feel it helps a little bit. I took double pills today, in hope to completely kill it. Didn't work.

And for taking another test. Jesus, I don't have money, nor time for that.
Sometimes I can figure things out, I want to do the same this time and you, everyone who wrote here, are of a great help.

I really appreciate it.

 

[Rockhopper]

Hey I had the exact same thing as you but mostly with herpes. For some reason that was more of a concern than AIDS which I only had a bit of a worry about. I had so many tests it was unbelievable. I even got them from different doctors as I didn't want them to think I was weird asking so many times. Each time of course it came back negative. However I only ever seemed to get temporary relief from hearing the test results. I would feel so good and on a high for a day or two, then I'd start worrying again. But the thing is you are ok and the tests prove it. I know it's hard to believe, I had trouble believing them. It is less likely for a guy to get it from a girl anyway. Remember you're healthy, they are just thoughts in your head, thoughts that aren't true. It's the OCD telling you you're not ok. OCD is a liar it makes you constantly doubt. It keeps telling you to do things you don't need to and things that aren't true. At least that's what mine feels like.

I hope you get over this. I know how agonising it is. I DID get over this particular worry, but not in a way related to OCD.

 

[Moloch]

I'm reading this twice a day and I'm just going to write last thoughts and try to put this worry away.

I remember looking at my 3 month negative results. I wasn't worried. I sat and read them. Everything was fine, i remember not being stressed- they ought to be fine- I certainly gave blood that time- remember them telling that it's - OK.
Some say that 3 months are conclusive for everything.

I never believe. I went for 5 month tests. Remember paying the costs and going to give blood, remember the blood flowing with it's pressure out of my vein, I even asked if that strong flow is natural, ha. Doctor said that it is.
After that I walked down the hall, with a smile from my face, feeling a little bit relieved because of the soon to know answers. I called them, they said everything okay. I called again- they said that everything's okay.
Till 15th February I worried only about if 5 month is conclusive, i.e., I was sure that I gave blood for testing- I was sure about that about 2 months. Then OCD kicked in telling ''maybe you didn't''

WELL. F*ck OCD, I know how I felt. I felt okay.

Now I'm officially halting to worry.

I'm okay, completely healthy till some truck will run me over!