Nothing in common

[thequietone]

This probably sounds weird, but I am almost envioius of people who are completely friendless. It would be so much easier. No ties! No guilt! (Yes I am avoidant) Granted, I have maybe two friends, loyal, cheerful, persistent, and confused by my behavior. I feel the pain of being an outsider whenever I'm near them. We've been slowly growing apart the older we get, yet the friendship has not come to it's natural close because they have it in their heads that it is there job to, "fix me." Butt they do not understand these sort of mental problems. They are hurt when I don't snap out of it and it makes me feel terrible.
Does anyone else here have this problem? They are trying to help, but I just want to be left alone. The guilt for hurting these two old friends is crushing me. Extreme Guilt + the other slew of problems we SP people have = too much! What can I do?

 

[LittleMissScareAll]

I don't have that problem(I have no friends) but I have had people tell me they'll "bring me out of my social phobia/shyness" before... haha. If only it were that easy. Those people always turn on me when I don't become the perfect little person they want me to be, though, and I'm always left friendless again. Anyway I'd think it'd be easy to get rid of your friends, if that's what you really want? Or maybe it's just me...but I can turn people against me without even trying. I TRY to get them to like me, and the opposite happens--they begin to hate me.

 

[missquiet]

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[loneEAGLE]

sometimes you can lose your friends without even trying,sometimes when you avoid social they "host" they take it personal !!

 

[thequietone]

missquiet, it seems that we have exactly the same problem. You see, my friends USED to be outcasted weirdos like myself. It always sucks when people start to change on you, and in my experience they ALWAYS DO. I'm sure I've changed as well but I certainly don't go clubbing like they do and I'm still the same awkward loser I was in elementary school.
What I don't understand is what they see in me. I ignore them all the time and they have other friends who are way less boring than I.
They must pity me. And I don't want their pity because it only makes me more embarrassed.

I have had people tell me they'll "bring me out of my social phobia/shyness" before... haha. If only it were that easy. Those people always turn on me when I don't become the perfect little person they want me to be

Littlemissscareall, you've pinned exactly what I am afraid of but also what I want to happen. I feel like I am failing them as well as myself.
*sigh* I didn't think anyone could possibly understand this because it hardly makes sense to me. Thanks for listening. :wink:

 

[scatmantom]

I have got friends like that and thank God i have them. If it wasnt for their constant pressure and invitations I wouldnt be where I am today. I am glad they expect me to meet up with them and go out with them because if they didnt I wouldnt leave the house except for work. Dont be so quick to wish friends away because they are not as easy to win back as they are to cast aside. Maybe you should let them you could try letting them help you!

 

[cLavain]

I have got friends like that and thank God i have them. If it wasnt for their constant pressure and invitations I wouldnt be where I am today. I am glad they expect me to meet up with them and go out with them because if they didnt I wouldnt leave the house except for work. Dont be so quick to wish friends away because they are not as easy to win back as they are to cast aside. Maybe you should let them you could try letting them help you!

Well said.

 

[Quixote]

I wish I ever had friends taking the trouble to pressure me into doing things, unfortunately it has never occurred. In fact, the opposite happened a few times: outgoing, successfull people who behaved as friends when we were alone (and they were, I believe), seemed to be somewhat ashamed to turn up in public in the company of such an obviously shy awkward person as myself.
I don't blame them though, I might have done the same, had I been in their place.

 

[Moonie]

I have maybe a few friends throughout my life. My best childhood friend and I grew apart when we hit about high school. She was my best friend, and maybe I thought it would last forever. But I was probably too timid and boring compared to what she had become. Since I had her, I didn't really look for anyone else. I am used to being a bit of a loner, and don't crave much social interaction. I do have a BF, so I guess he is my new only friend, LOL. If you are happy without friends, then that is fine. If not, then it may become problematic.

 

[Moonie]

Ohh I agree with the poster above me. I also felt that my friend felt embarrass showing up with me- me not saying anything. It takes me a long time to become comfortable with someone. And I find a good number of people don't have the patience to befriend someone with time. They look for instant clicks.

 

[thequietone]

I just can't deal with expectations, and I feel like they have them for me. It could all be in my head... I don't know. They're trying to help, it just causes me a great deal of stress. I feel like I would be happier without friends, but in truth I don't know what I want and it's a familiar feeling....

I do have a BF, so I guess he is my new only friend, LOL. If you are happy without friends, then that is fine. If not, then it may become problematic

Another question: How is it possible to be comfortable in that close of a relationship when suffering with SA??? I don't understand. 8O

 

[missquiet]

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[thequietone]

seems like they can't keep their voices down even for a second when were in public. maybe it's exposure therapy for some people but it's not working for me.

HA. Sounds so familiar.
You know, I've heard that people look for people who have the traits they want. Maybe I was subconciously choosing them for that reason?
Hmm. they even LOOK to be my opposite (I'm small and dark, their tall and fair), and it doesn't help that when we go out in public people sometimes ask me, "Oh are you her little sister?" Ug :evil:
I think part of my problem is that I can't say "no" to anyone without wanting to kill myself afterward. Anyone else have this problem? I've heard that SA people have trouble with that aspect of relationships...

 

[thequietone]

whoa, why did the word "kil" come up in all stars? Guess I'm not allowed to say that word here...oops.
Let me refraise: I find it difficult to say "no" to anyone without wanting to hurt myself bad enough so that I stop living.