Not Sure...

[tma]

I just have been looking things up recently and I'm still not 100% sure that I have this, but...

I've felt "socially retarded" for a VERY long time. Like somehow there was some code or something that everyone else knew of how to act and be and I just didn't get it. In high school I thought that it was just all the games and "stupidity" of teenage drama and popularity games. College I actually was pretty much in a Really good place. It was far from home- I actually made friends that *I* didn't always have to call (They would call me ad they actually wanted to do things with me *I was SHOCKED*). Then after that- it went back to the "retardedness".

I am not really good with boundaries. And sometimes I get "fixated" on a person/people and it's like I have to be *SURE* that they Really, Really Really want to be friends.

The whole knowing that it is irrationale Really strikes a chord. And replaying mistakes Over and Over and Over again. And the authority figure thing. I can talk to authority figures but I put them on a HUGE pedestal- I Cannot be confrontational- Especially with them. If I try at All to assert a different point of view in certain situation I burst out crying and then that makes me Really Really mad at myself which makes it worse. I worry that people think that I'm being manipulative or something.

I am divided between sort of Wanting people to watch me- pay attention to me but then feeling like ifthey are watching that they are judging and thinking of how stupid, klutzy, akward, etc, etc, I am.

As is probably Patently obvious in this post- I ramble WAY too much. If I get especially excited, nervous, or just really forgetting myself and enjoying things I tend to ramble a TON and then I feel Totally stupid and beat myself up and then I never, ever want to talkto another person ever again.

But then I like to talk to people so then I end up repeating the pattern even though I don't want to. I'm hoping that somehow I can figure out how to be "normal" so that I don't have to keep hating myself for not knowing how to be.

So... I'm sorry if I'm in the wrong spot... but... if I am- I'm not a troll and if I can learn anything from people in here I'd be more than happy to.
*flees*

 

[Blackmagic479]

Hello New Friend! You are not in the wrong place ! Welcome again! We are here to support and help you out on life's journey.

 

[Dave_McFadden]

I just have been looking things up recently and I'm still not 100% sure that I have this, but...

I've felt "socially retarded" for a VERY long time. Like somehow there was some code or something that everyone else knew of how to act and be and I just didn't get it. In high school I thought that it was just all the games and "stupidity" of teenage drama and popularity games. College I actually was pretty much in a Really good place. It was far from home- I actually made friends that *I* didn't always have to call (They would call me ad they actually wanted to do things with me *I was SHOCKED*). Then after that- it went back to the "retardedness".

I am not really good with boundaries. And sometimes I get "fixated" on a person/people and it's like I have to be *SURE* that they Really, Really Really want to be friends.

The whole knowing that it is irrationale Really strikes a chord. And replaying mistakes Over and Over and Over again. And the authority figure thing. I can talk to authority figures but I put them on a HUGE pedestal- I Cannot be confrontational- Especially with them. If I try at All to assert a different point of view in certain situation I burst out crying and then that makes me Really Really mad at myself which makes it worse. I worry that people think that I'm being manipulative or something.

I am divided between sort of Wanting people to watch me- pay attention to me but then feeling like ifthey are watching that they are judging and thinking of how stupid, klutzy, akward, etc, etc, I am.

As is probably Patently obvious in this post- I ramble WAY too much. If I get especially excited, nervous, or just really forgetting myself and enjoying things I tend to ramble a TON and then I feel Totally stupid and beat myself up and then I never, ever want to talkto another person ever again.

But then I like to talk to people so then I end up repeating the pattern even though I don't want to. I'm hoping that somehow I can figure out how to be "normal" so that I don't have to keep hating myself for not knowing how to be.

So... I'm sorry if I'm in the wrong spot... but... if I am- I'm not a troll and if I can learn anything from people in here I'd be more than happy to.
*flees*

Wow. When I was reading your post I was getting chills because this is exactly how I feel. Especially the part about getting excited, rambling, then feeling stupid and beating yourself up. And then starting over.

I'm not really talkative, but I can get on a roll, and usually I end up going "over the line" or saying something else I shouldn't have. And then I tell myself what a dumb thing that was to say, and here are these nice people listening to me spew without criticizing me, and I have to go ruin their day by saying something stupid.

As far as confronting authority figures, a lot of people don't even have the guts to HAVE a different point of view, let alone assert one. So you can give yourself a lot of credit here.