newbie, OCD and loss of a family member....

[Marco23]

Hey everyone, i just started figuring out what ocd really is and it seems everything points that its what i have.

I lost my sister 15 years ago, and started developing some weird issues, which i'll discuss further on.

I recently found out that my sister was murdered versus accidental death, about 5 years ago.

My ocd, if that's what it is, is driving everyone around me crazy, I can feel it, imagine i'm worried how others feel, but I decided to tell everyone what i'm going through, and i'm gonna seek help, as i'm the one suffering and need to find a solution. Please tell me there is.
I go from sleepless nights to checking and counting things to do, (rituals) collecting stuff that is unneeded, reread stuff very often, keep records of stuff that is really old, afraid to throw anything away fear of losing anything, argue with many people who are close to me, name calling swearing, insulting, always stressed and negative towards everything i do, feel shame when i do something (feeling it could of been done differently), loss of emotional romance, worry about everything, hoping i mentioned everything here can't concentrate on one event at a time, feel like a busy body all the time, scratch my scalp to ridiculous degree when alone causing my hair to fall off, keeping bills receits, obsess about things to buy, people, upcoming events, things to do on a daily basis, write down things others would normally just do, addicted to stuff but not smoking or drugs, i quit smoking, nor do i drink, gamble occassionally but have extreme guilt when I lose, worry about money excessively etc..... I seem to always come up with something new!!!

Finding all this out is new to me, does what i describe sound like ocd, and if others have experience with a loss in the family how is this relating to my mental condition, when others suffer to from a loss and don't seem to complain about there mental state unless they hide it too!

I'm confused and getting really depressed, i kind of felt better thinking it was nothing just a phase but 15 years of this, is almost a life sentence.

Noone deserves this!

 

[Marco23]

Anyone?

 

[Marco23]

I actually did see a pshychologist and may go back, but it did feel like going in circles since i know and understand and accept now that my sister isn't coming back.

But the OCD is prominent and taking control, anxiety and sleepless nights and rituals are all happening on a daily basis to try and cope with what i need to deal with. The thing is I want to be normal again and just say fu** everything and not care or worry about anything. I know its not the best way out but still, I lived this way for so long, why can't i live the other way for some time and not give a crap. It may desentisize me but its not like i seem happy now, i'm rather bitter and negative, regardless what i do, even if i buy something, i'll ask myself should I, why did I, I didn't have to, sense of regret, eventually accept it, but a few days may go by before i put it to rest....etc...

 

[Musicocd]

Hi,

My ocd began when I was about 7 after I lost my mum to cancer (so about 12 years ago). I became obsessed with the idea of doing everything 4 times, to make sure I had done it right so that no one would get hurt and no one would die. I also couldn't say words relating to 'she' or 'her' because I was the only girl in my family now and if I said those words it would mean I was a boy (I know that's really crazy!).

I know it was her death that triggered my ocd, because it was such a stressful time and I didn't know how to express myself.

 

[Marco23]

It's not crazy, your coping, thats the way we cope. It really sucks though and i know your pain and OCD just makes life more miserable.

Have you gotten better?